Uncomfortable
by Aliemah
Summary: How does Kaidan feel, after just a few conversations with Shepard, about her seeing the Consort alone? Does she even like him? Multi-chapter story featuring the beloved Shenko pairing! Both perspectives though mostly from Kaidan's. Will span across all three games. Content rating subject to change. Shout out to Commander-hot-pants for the cover image!
1. Where it started

_Author's Note: Hello! So whilst doing yet another playthrough of the game series, I happened to giggle uncontrollably when I went to see the Consort, and brought Kaidan along. He was in the background of basically every shot just STARING at Shepard. And then I got this idea in my head, and I had to write it out. I might continue this into a multi-chapter story if there's enough interest. For now, enjoy the single chapter!_

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Kaidan wasn't very comfortable waiting back on the Normandy while Shepard was with the Consort.

They'd only known each other for a few months, sure, but he liked her already. A lot. He'd just spoken to her a few days ago about his time at BAaT, and he'd opened up considerably to her through that small talk. The flirting was a little rough around the edges, but it worked between them and he was pretty sure she liked him too. And when he and Ashely had been told to meet her back on the Normandy, Kaidan was anything but happy. The Gunnery Chief teased him the whole way back, though it was in good nature so he let most of it slide. Ashley was like a little sister to him, and she knew just as much about what was going on as Kaidan did. Maybe even more.

"Seriously Kaidan, she's going to flip if she finds out you haven't eaten anything when she comes back." Ashley said through a mouthful of fake hamburger. IT was pretty good for imitation, but nothing would ever beat a grilled burger for him.

"She won't flip." he dismissed, leaning against the wall near the terminal he was constantly repairing. The damn thing broke so often he made it his job to fix it.

"Alright, maybe she won't. But don't you think you're reacting a _little_ strong to this? She's with the Consort, for all we know they could be talking about dresses or some crap like that."

"And if they weren't talking?" Kaidan eyed her, then looking away before the color on his cheeks would show. Did he just tell her? He glanced over and Ashley was trying not to choke on her food, laughing.

"Oh my god! Do you have the hots for the Commander?"

He shifted his stance just enough so that she was out of his direct line of sight.

"You do!" she spluttered, then going into a laughing fit that nearly made her cry. Kaidan shook his head and walked to- ... Where would he go? Ashley would just follow him and tease him even more. It's not like she was entirely wrong, either. Sighing in frustration he gave in and went to grab some of the mediocre food, sitting down across from Ashley in silence as she went on for the next twenty minutes about how great this was going to be to watch. She grew tired of teasing him when he gave no reaction, and eventually left to go back down to the weapons bench.

He sat there pushing around the remains of food on his plate for a good half an hour after Ashley had left. And when he heard familiar boots on the stairs he straightened up a little, suddenly feeling even more anxious. And then Shepard appeared around the corner in her uniform, looking a little frazzled. She saw Kaidan and smiled.

"Hey." she sounded cheerful.

"Hey." he returned, anything but.

"Are you still hungry?"

"A little."

"Want to go get some real food on the Citadel? I'll buy." She stood there with her hands in her pockets, and he pushed the plate back and stood up without a word, accepting her offer. They walked in relative silence the whole way.

"Where are we going?" he asked eventually.

"I don't know."

"You don't know? I thought you'd have some idea since you were offering." He tried not to look at her too much, but she was a little bit ahead of him, and the pants on her uniform really brought out the curves-

_Alenko, stop that._ he chided himself, snapping his eyes back to the lake on his left.

"Sometimes I just like walking." she shrugged. Clearly she'd noticed his behavior because she turned a little. "Are you feeling okay? You've been acting a little weird all day."

"I'm fine. Really."

There was silence and Shepard turned, leading them to a sushi bar. He'd never had sushi before, but he gave in to trying it. It was then he realized that unofficially, they were on a date at the moment. He cut himself some slack and tried to smile and have a nice conversation with her. It was working well until they'd finished eating and were working on finishing off their drinks.

"So you seemed a little distracted when we went into Chora's Den earlier." she said over the rim of her glass. "You're not shopping around are you?"

"What?" he smirked a little, and tried not to notice the burning sensation creeping up his neck to his face.

"I saw you looking." she grinned, leaning forward. "See anything that struck your fancy?"

"Shepard-"

"Don't try to hide it." she chuckled, pointing a finger at him as she held her glass. She then brought it to her lips again and set it down, empty. Kaidan sighed and sat back.

"Fine, I looked."

"And?"

"Nothing." he smirked, holding her gaze for what seemed like forever. Until she looked away, nodding. He thought she looked pleased with his reply. Now it was his turn. "Why, did you see something you liked in there?"

"There was this one guy that kept following me around. It was a little creepy at first." she said, looking over to the other tables, then back at him with a grin, both sharing a laugh.

"And what happened?"

"He got a little... Shall we say _uncomfortable _when I went to see the Consort."

The game was over and Kaidan's smile quickly disappeared, as did Shepard's. He cleared his throat and looked down at his glass, drinking the last of it.

"We should really get back-"

"Why did that make you so uncomfortable?"

He thought he'd heard someone behind them talking at first. He'd never heard her voice so soft, it almost didn't seem like her vocal chords should be capable of producing such a sweet sound. He stared at her and she repeated herself.

"I... guess I'm just not very fond of the way some Asari interact with others." he shrugged, wishing he could melt into the seat he was in.

"Specifically me."

"Yeah..."

"I can handle myself, you know."

"I'm aware of that, Shepard." he narrowed his eyes a little, noting the defensive tone in her voice. "I guess maybe I'm looking into things a little more than I should."

"What do you mean?"

"Our talk the other day... After we grabbed Liara." he didn't need to explain himself further as she nodded. They were silent.

"Let's go take a walk." she said suddenly, moving to stand up. "Easier to talk that way." he nodded and stood up, letting her pay as she promised. He'd decided he liked sushi enough to have it again, and they went to go walk along the edge of one of the lakes near the Normandy's docking bay. It was quiet until he spoke.

"It took a lot for me to tell you that stuff, you know." he was staring at their feet as they walked, a little amused that each step was perfectly in sync.

"I'm glad you told me, though. I'll have to come up with something to tell you, one of these days."

"Something that I couldn't find on the extranet?" he smiled, sparing her a glance in her eyes.

"There's a lot that doesn't get published about me."

"Well then... I'm looking forward to it."

Then there was silence again. They walked for about ten more minutes before she sighed and looked around. He watched her, aware that she was thinking of something to say.

"About earlier with the Consort," he started, realizing that he really didn't have a clue as to what he could say.

"Yeah?"

"Maybe it bothered me that you didn't seem phased at how... _personal_ she was getting with you. And the fact that you sent Ash and I back to the Normandy."

"What, you think I had sex with her, or something?" Shepard said blatantly. He couldn't stop his eyes from widening.

"I- no! I just didn't feel comfortable leaving you."

"Why?" she stopped near the edge of the pathway and leaned against the rail, eyes trained on him. He stopped and stood in front of her. He raked a hand through his hair and sighed, throwing his hands in the air.

"I don't know, Shepard. Something just makes me want to protect you against everything. Maybe I'm too good of a soldier to leave my Commander."

"You're a terrible soldier if you can't leave your Commander." she snorted, looking over her shoulder. "I don't think that's really all there is to it, though."

"Then what did I leave out?"

"I think it's pretty obvious that you like me a lot more than a friend." she said, putting her hands in her pockets again, staring blankly as pursed her lips and pushed them to the left side of her face. It was... Cute.

"Wouldn't be the first person to tell me that." he said, putting his own hands in his pockets and deciding to stand beside her. She nudged his arm with her elbow.

"Hey. As long as we can keep it separate from our duties, I don't have a problem with seeing where this goes..."

"What?" he was a little shocked to say the least, and he stared right into her eyes. She rolled hers and threw her head back as she scoffed.

"You're so dense, Kaidan. I'm pretty sure Joker caught on before you did just now."

Kaidan couldn't help but let the heat spread through his entire body. Surely he was glowing red, but he managed to keep his voice pretty calm when he spoke.

"Well with my past experience, I guess I've just developed a habit of not paying attention to what's going on around me."

"Not anymore." she smiled, standing up. "Let's get back before that damned pilot starts any more rumors he's going to regret."

"Yes ma'am." he smiled, following her back and shamelessly keeping a few steps behind her. He could have sworn she swayed her hips a little more just for him. Kaidan could get used to this...


	2. A New Perspective - Part I

_Author's Note: I was not expecting this many people to read this story. Honestly. But thank you so much! Especially _**Andamarthiel, PillarofNormandy, **_and _**QueenFreckles** _for following, and to _**HappySticky, hollietta,**_ and _**PillarofNormandy**_ for favoriting! If you would like to see something, like oh I don't know... a certain situation... I'd be more than happy to try and fit it in to the story. Just shoot me a message. Anyway, enjoy!_

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Unlatching the armor on his shoulders, Kaidan was absolutely disgusted. Feros had not been kind to anyone, but he was glad the colonists had been saved. At least most of them. Fai Dan had sacrificed himself for everyone else, and it had been a little hard on Shepard. He could tell that much already as he watched her remove her own armor.

And then suddenly he was reminded why he was so glad to be getting a few days of shore leave. He felt some of the Thorian Creeper muck slide down his back. He shuddered and scowled. He heard Shepard laugh and immediately scowled at her.

"Oh come on, Alenko. It'll wash off." she said, just as a chunk rolled down her arm. Even though they were all wearing bodysuits under the armor, they could still feel everything. He saw her try to hide the disgust and then it was his turn to laugh. "Cut that out." she snapped.

"It'll wash off." he repeated, his tone very teasing. He'd completely forgotten about the third member of the party who cleared his throat a little menacingly. Kaidan suddenly straightened his back as Wrex glared before walking to his station. He'd been the brunt of the attack but he was surprisingly clean of the muck.

And now it was just the two of them, and Kaidan did his best to respect his Commanding Officer's privacy as she began peeling off her body suit. He did, however, get a small glimpse at her backside, spotting something red along the left side of her rib cage. So she had a tattoo... Alright. He quickly snapped his head back to the corner before she could spot him, though. They both stepped into their respective showering spaces and Kaidan was aware that she could have easily just gone to her quarters to shower. But perhaps she was just as disgusted with all the chunks as he had been.

Kaidan pulled on a spare uniform when he got out, leaving his hair damp as he reached over to wash off the armor. Shepard promised him he'd get a new set when they went back to the Citadel, seeing as he was quickly becoming one of her favorites on the team. It was partially because of his biotics, he knew, and the other part... Well he'd just not think about it right now. She _was_ in the shower next to him. He shook it off quickly, for fear of needing another shower. He focused instead on scrubbing the plates clean, glad that they didn't scuff easily. He set them to dry and then turned to walk out of the room.

"Kaidan?" he heard Shepard call out, just as he was about to go through the door. He paused.

"Yeah?"

"Mind if I talk with you when I'm done with the Council?"

"You know where to find me." he said, then walking out. With a smile on his face. Though it only lasted a matter of seconds until he saw someone lurking around the corner of the main deck. With a sigh, he prepared himself for what was surely coming his way.

"Hey, is Skipper still in there?" Ashley came out, following the Lieutenant as he walked back towards his station.

"She is. Do you need to talk to her?"

"Yeah."

"I'll tell her to go find you, then." he said, walking down the stairs. Ash was still right behind him, and he knew that it was so she could get to her own work station. At least until he passed the elevator and realized she was still following him. He paused and turned half way to look at her. "Do you need something from me?"

"Joker said we were heading back to the Citadel. Thought I'd hang out up here for a bit since we're not officially on duty for another three hours." She folded her arms over her chest. "Why, am I going to bother you if I stand here?"

"I'd really like a little time to myself before I start talking." he sighed, rubbing at the back of his neck.

"That's a shame." came a third, familiar voice. Kaidan's stomach flipped and without thinking his eyes flew towards the source of the voice - just over Ashley's right shoulder. "I was hoping we could talk." Shepard smiled as she came up besides Ashley. Kaidan could only stand there, struggling to come up with an answer before Shepard spoke again. "Chief, I believe you have work to be doing."

"Yes ma'am." Ashley saluted crisply, turning quickly to walk away. Though when she was turning towards the elevator, Kaidan saw her flash an excessively wide grin at him. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"Thanks..."

"Can we still talk, or do you need time?"

The tone in her voice indicated that she wasn't just going to be talking about the mission, and that alone made him even more nervous. It was hard enough to stay focused after... their date? He still wasn't really clear on what had happened. He suddenly remembered she'd said she was going to contact the Council, and he doubted the conversation had been that fast.

"We can talk now. But weren't you going to contact the Council?"

"Nah. I can always talk to them in person." Shepard moved to take a seat near the orange screen. For safe measure Kaidan sat with one seat between them, though he would have loved to sit right next to her. "You were working yourself pretty hard today, it seemed like there was something on your mind that you wanted to get out."

He took a pause to think about it. Had he been working any harder than usual, or was she just trying to get him to tell her what was on his mind? Kaidan was already suffering from the lack of adrenaline, and in the back of his head he could feel a migraine coming. It wouldn't bother him for another half hour, at least. Maybe more if he ate soon.

"Kaidan?" he was snapped out of his thoughts, and he looked up, letting out a nervous laugh.

"Sorry. I guess I do have a lot on my mind." he said quietly. Unintentionally he rubbed at the back of his neck again, maybe to try and push back the migraine.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" her voice grew softer, quieter. Her body, he saw now, was turned towards him, with her elbow propped up on the back of the seat so that her hand could properly hold up her head. It pushed her cheek up so that her right eye was a little smaller.

"Guess I'm just thinking about when we talked last." he said, voice equally as quiet as hers. There was probably no one in the area but them, though for the sake of making sure someone didn't tattle, they had silently agreed to be quiet about it.

"Hm." she nodded, and crossed her leg over her knee, glancing to the orange screen.

He couldn't tell what she was thinking, and so he just watched her. She had a nice facial profile. Her nose was a little smaller than it looked from the front, but he found himself looking at her lips. They weren't pale like they'd been last time. They were a dark pink color, now. And glossy. Definitely not what he'd seen last time. She turned to look at him again and he was only now starting to notice everything else. The small freckles across her nose and cheeks. Her eyes were a nice shade of green, too. Maybe he hadn't noticed it before because her eyelashes seemed to contrast the color so nicely. He cleared his throat out of habit, not sure what to say.

"Alright don't tell anyone, but the only reason we're going to the Citadel is so I can see an old friend for her birthday." she muttered, smiling a little because she'd leaned in closer.

"Am I allowed to know the name of said friend?"

"Sam Kirkold. I grew up on Arcturus with her. Our parents were good friends, so naturally we saw each other often." Shepard grinned as her voice grew bolder and cast her eyes down to the floor. "We got into a lot of trouble then, too." Her eyes flicked back up to his and he swallowed to force the blush to stay beneath his clothes.

"I'm sure your parents are glad you're much more well-behaved, now."

"I'm not _that_ well-behaved. I just have more authority and a better sense of when to let loose." she chuckled, sitting back again.

"I'll bet you have some good stories, though."

"Someday I'm sure you'll get to hear them all." she said, her voice going soft again. If that wasn't an answer to his question, he didn't know what was.

"That's... Very reassuring."

"Hm. Well don't let it get to your head." she smirked, moving to stand up. "I should probably go talk with some of the others, before someone starts prying." she sighed and glanced up to the ceiling, indicating that she was talking about Joker. Her eyes fell back down and she smiled. "We can talk more after dinner."

"I'd like that." he said as she walked away. And he did enjoy watching her walk away in this manner. He just hoped it wouldn't become a sight he'd get too familiar with.


	3. A New Perspective - Part II

_Author's Note: I would sincerely like to thank_ **Kima20142 **_for following and favoriting, _**Annunbalien**_ for following, and _**riehull**_ for following and favoriting. I understand that while this story will follow the events of the game, that it will not have much of the actual game other than what happens on the Normandy. If you would like this to change, please send me a message. And as always, I'm more than willing to take requests for plot bunnies, so long as they fit in the timeline. _

_This chapter picked up right after part on from Shepard's perspective. Enjoy!_

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Catherine walked towards the elevator, curious to know why Ashley had been bothering Kaidan. She was pretty sure the other woman was just talking with him, and she didn't want to give off the wrong message. Well maybe a little. She was interested in Kaidan, and she'd put up a fight to make sure she was the only one he was paying attention to. Having gone through being 'the other woman' in the past... It never ended well for anyone.

"This elevator is too fucking slow." she huffed, standing inside and watching as the walls moved her closer and closer to the cargo bay. When the door finally opened, she sighed with relief, and walked over towards Ashley who was going through her terminal, instead of cleaning the guns. But then again, it looked like that was already taken care of. As she got closer, she could hear a woman's voice from the terminal. Ashley let out quiet laughter until Shepard was close enough that she noticed someone behind her.

"Hey Commander."

"Have you got a minute?"

"Sure. I was just checking up on some vid mail from home-"

"Oh, and I saw Kaidan. He's cute! Later sis!"

"Oh boy." Ashley sighed, smiling as she put a hand to her head, her face turning red.

"Who was that?" she smiled.

"My younger sister, Sarah." Ashley smiled, and then straightened up, clearing her throat. "So, what'd you need, Skipper?"

"I was just coming by to talk with you. I was also curious what you and the Lieutenant were talking about. He seemed a little uncomfortable."

"I didn't mean to make him uncomfortable. I was just going to chat with him, get to know him a little bit. I mean... If that's okay." Ashley added on as Shepard crossed her arms over her chest.

"I have no problem with you getting to know the rest of the crew. I think forming bonds is what separates a good crew from a great crew." she tried to remain neutral, not sure what Ashley's intentions were.

"He seems like a good guy. A little stiff, but that's how my dad was sometimes. Guess it's just part of being a marine." Ashley leaned back against the bench. Catherine had a feeling that there was something else she wanted to say.

"I hope you know this is all off the record." she decided to say, moving to lean against some of the crates the guns were stored in. That seemed to do it because Ashley smiled.

"I was gonna ask about your date with him."

"Excuse me?" she struggled not to gawk at what she'd just said. How much did she know? How much could she know?

"Word got around... A few crew members overheard you two went out for dinner on the Citadel last we were there. And you two were gone for nearly three hours." Ashley shrugged with a bit of a smirk. "It's not like it's hard to tell what's going on from the way you two look at each other, either."

Slowly, her hand raised to her temple in a similar manner that Ashley had just moments ago. She then closed her eyes and let out a sigh.

"I really hope it's not that obvious that I like him." she muttered. She had to talk to someone about this, and Ashley seemed like she was pretty quiet about personal matters.

"Other than the fact you bring him along every time you leave the ship, it's not that obvious." there was a pause, "Listen. With what I know about what's going on, you're going to need someone to lean on. Not just a friend, but someone who's going to stand up for you when you can't. I'm not really good at that sort of thing and Liara's too interested in the Protheans, Tali is way too talkative, Garrus has a stick up his ass, and Wrex is... Well, you know."

"What are you trying to get at?" Shepard sighed, having a hard time following the line of thought.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes you need someone to blow off steam with. However that gets done." Ashley shrugged and looked down at her feet. "We're just getting started with this mission. I can tell it's going to be a long journey, and there might even be a few who won't make it. As far as groundside goes, everyone's got your back. But up here..." Ashley looked back up, into Shepard's eyes, "You really need to make sure someone has your back up here, too. Alenko seems like he fits that job description pretty nicely for you." she cracked a smile. "My sister would agree with me on that one."

Catherine smirked and shook her head as she laughed. When she looked back at Ashley, she was amazed that this woman was so wise already.

"Thanks for the talk, Ash. I should probably go see some of the others, now." she pushed back off the crates. "Can you do me a favor-"

"My lips are sealed. At least unless a certain biotic asks." Ashley smirked and Shepard tried not to think about it, clearing her throat.

"Thanks." she started walking.

"Oh, Skipper?" Shepard paused, and looked back. "Might want to add a little eye shadow next time you go to the Citadel."

"Noted." Catherine smirked, going towards Wrex, who greeted her with about as much friendliness as teenager waking up at 8 A.M. on a Saturday.

He was interesting, even if he didn't have much to say. The words he did say told much more about him than she'd initially thought. Former mercenary or not, Wrex seemed like he was meant for bigger, better things. Feros had shown her that more than anything. Maybe it was the nature of Krogan that made him such a good killer, but Wrex didn't storm in like she'd seen many of his kind do. He kept back from the heart of the battle, making sure that Shepard had been protected from all sides. He was loyal, and she hoped she could return the favor some day. Wrex was showing Catherine with each little talk that he was worth her time outside of battle.

Next, she went to Garrus. It was a little boring that he'd talk about C-Sec so much. But since it'd been part of his life for as long as he could remember, she supposed it was much like when she talked about the Alliance. She'd grown up with it and so she talked about it frequently. So, she could see the reason why he brought it up with every conversation, until you mentioned the Mako. He seemed like he loved that thing more than Joker loved the Normandy. And that spoke volumes. But, he was good at his job, always thorough in the maintenance and actively seeking to make improvements to it. She offered to help a few times, but he insisted that based on the way she drove she wouldn't be of much help. No offense, of course.

She was starting to feel hungry, and decided that Tali and Liara could wait to be talked to until tomorrow. She went back up, and was glad no one was around to hear her stomach growl. That's what she got for being a biotic, even if she rarely ever used her gift. The mess was empty, and after getting her meal and peeking around the corner, she was mildly disappointed Kaidan wasn't anywhere to be found.

_Probably a migraine. S_he thought to herself as she sat down. Maybe she'd go look for him and make sure he'd be okay. Every once in a while she would get migraines, though she was sure they weren't nearly as bad as the ones he got. Still, knowing how bad it _could_ hurt made her that much more empathetic. A few of the other crew members filed in and sat around, keeping a respectful distance from the Commander. Shepard sparked up a little conversation that lasted until she was done eating about ten minutes later. Standing up, she walked over to put her tray in the machine to wash it before she walked towards the med bay.

Sure enough when she walked in, there were hardly any lights on except for the glow of Chakwas' terminal. Quietly walking over towards Kaidan, she saw he was on his back with his left arm thrown over his eyes. The way his mouth was turned told her that he was enduring the worst of it right now. She felt bad about disturbing him, but she wanted to know. She tapped on his shoulder twice.

"Hey Kaidan." she whispered.

"Everything okay?" he said through his teeth.

"Just checking up on you. Did you get anything to eat yet?"

"No."

"Do you want me to bring you anything?" she waited for nearly a minute before he pulled his arm away. She could see the light bouncing off of his eyes that looked more than tired.

"That'd be great."

"Just lay down, I'll be back in a minute." she smiled. She hadn't realized she'd sat down next to him until she hopped off, feeling a cold spot on her hip. She must have been touching him. She shrugged it off as she went back to the mess. The crew that was there had vanished, and been replaced by the crew in the cargo bay and engineering.

"Hey Shepard." Tali chirped happily. "Going to eat with us?" She walked over a little bit with the tray, a sad smile on her face.

"I already ate, sorry. This is for the Lieutenant, he has a migraine. Just wanted to make sure he got something good to eat instead of those stupid nutrition bars."

"I hope he feels better." Tali nodded as she squeezed a little more paste out of the tube into a compartment in her helmet. Catherine noted that she'd have to ask about that next time, as she turned back towards the med bay.

Kaidan was still laying down, but his hands were folded on his chest. Chakwas was just walking back in from the other room and nodded quietly as a greeting. Catherine went over by Kaidan and sat down again, holding the tray in her lap.

"Hey... Can you sit up?" she said, a little bit louder than a whisper.

"Yeah." he grunted as he sat up, turning on a light on the far side of the room so he could see without being blinded. She tried not to comment about how shitty he looked, but he probably knew.

"Here. I tried to get you the things that had more flavor." she handed the tray over.

"Thanks. I owe you." he said, already reaching for the sandwich. She smiled and nudged him.

"Come see me in my quarters when you're feeling better." she hopped back off, unaware if he'd heard what she said or not. He was making a mess of the food but she was glad he was eating. She left with a little smile on her face that everyone in the mess saw as she walked back up the stairs.

"Told you." she could hear Wrex rumbling as she walked off.


	4. The Initiation

_Author's Note: This chapter is going to skip around a little bit. I've also determined that while Shepard has biotic capabilities, she tends to favor her guns in a fight. So that should make the second half of this chapter interesting. Let me know what you liked, what you didn't like, and what you might want to see in the future. Enjoy!__  
_

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Kaidan felt like he was being watched on his walk over to Shepard's quarters. There wasn't anyone in the area, seeing as it was nearly midnight, but he had a feeling he knew who was watching. Either way he was just doing what he'd been told. He looked down at the panel and sighed as he pushed it down, glad that the lock on the door flashed red. He leaned against the wall and waited patiently for a few minutes before it opened. He saw Shepard still in uniform and looking dead tired. But she was smiling.

"Hey." she said quietly.

"Hey..." he didn't know what to say.

"You can come in for a few minutes if you want."

"Um... Sure." he said, pushing off the wall and brushing past her. It was... Really dark in her quarters. Almost like there was supposed to be another light somewhere. He took a minute to let his eyes adjust and he heard more than saw Shepard move to sit at her desk.

"So, are you feeling any better?"

"I've still got a small headache, but I'm sure I can sleep it off." Kaidan paused and looked at her as she sat in her chair, twisting from side to side. He let the smallest of a smile slip through and then he remembered what else he wanted to say. "Thanks for bringing me dinner. I think that helped the most."

"It's no problem. Just make sure you keep eating, alright?"

"That shouldn't be a problem." he said, laughing a little. He glanced down at his feet, not sure if he should leave or not. He looked back up at her. "Is there... Anything else?"

"Not that I can think of right now." she said softly, looking over to her bed. "I should probably get some sleep too. I'll talk to you tomorrow." she smiled, nodding to let him know he could leave. He nodded in return in turned to walk out without giving her a chance to stop him. He really didn't belong in there in the first place, but he did admit that her bed looked much more comfortable than most of the chairs on the Normandy. Idiotically, he hoped he got a chance to find out if it really was as soft as it looked.

* * *

"Should just replace the damn thing." he muttered to himself. He'd been repairing the monitor for weeks, and it still wasn't working just right. He would try one more time to get it to work.

"You've been working really hard on that for a while..."

He turned around a little too quick for his own liking. But he did let himself smile.

"It's not like there's anything else for me to do around here." he shrugged, then rubbing at the back of his neck.

"Have you got a minute?"

"Now's probably not a good time." he shifted his feet. "I've wasted enough of your time already."

In truth, he wanted to do nothing but talk with her. Though, there were still regs and Kaidan intended on following them. He hadn't gotten to where he was now by breaking rules. Well maybe a few, but that was a long time ago, and he'd changed since then.

"Alright. We'll be docking on the Citadel in about 48 hours. I'm treating the crew to a round of drinks." she winked and then suddenly turned to walk away. He couldn't bring himself to stop her and ask why she'd just winked. Maybe it was better it was left to his imagination, especially with the rowdy group just around the corner eating lunch. That was enough to make his stomach growl quietly, forgetting that he hadn't eaten yet. He waited a couple minutes before calmly walking over.

"Hey, we were just talking about you!" Ashley called out when he turned around with food. She was sitting near, not next to, Wrex and Garrus. Interesting, given her previous statements about how she felt about them being on board. He sat across from her.

"I hope it was nothing bad." he muttered, nodding at Garrus and Wrex before he began eating, keeping his head down a little bit.

"Depends on how you look at it." Garrus said, sounding like he was in a good mood.

"Ash-"

"We were just commenting on how much better you seem after the Commander went to go visit you, that's all." she cut him off, grinning. He had to strain to resist rolling his eyes at that.

"I'm glad you think so."

He was regretting sitting here to eat. But he couldn't just get up and walk away now unless he wanted to reveal all his cards at once to people that could put his post in danger. Kaidan wanted to stay on the Normandy for as long as he could, but he'd willingly be reassigned if it meant he were able to be in an open relationship with Shepard. That is, if they even had one.

"How is she, by the way? I haven't gotten a word out of her today, and I just saw her leave after talking with you." Ashley then went on, not trying to get anything out of him, but genuinely curious.

"She seems busy, but fine."

"Hm. Maybe I'll try again at dinner." she shrugged and then stood up with her empty tray. "Talk to you later."

Good, he could eat in peace, now.

* * *

"Why are we here again?" Kaidan had to yell over the music, and the crowd. It was too hot, too loud, and he was a little too close to everyone to be comfortable.

"Shepard wanted to relax." Joker shrugged from his seat. "She's offering rounds so I'm taking them."

They were the only two sitting at the moment. Wrex was drinking the bar dry, with a wide berth between him and the other patrons. Garrus was upstairs in the casino with Tali, trying to figure out how to get the most credits without cheating. Ashley was with Shepard and Liara... Somewhere. He hadn't actually seen them when he arrived. Maybe he'd come earlier than he'd thought.

"Looking for someone?" Joker smirked, snapping Kaidan's attention back to the table. He wasn't in a mood to be putting up with the man if he was going to be relentless in his teasing. He wasn't wrong, but it wasn't exactly like he was hiding to begin with. So he picked up his drink instead of responding. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do. "Look, I'm not going to tell anyone what's going on. God knows where this mission is going to take us, and you're wound up tight enough as it is."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm telling you that you'd better take the opportunity to get drunk with Shepard while you have the chance."

Kaidan stared at Joker for a moment before sighing and turning his attention back to everything else. Maybe he was right, he could afford to loosen up a little. But he wasn't sure he'd go so far as to get drunk. That would take nearly as much alcohol as Wrex was drinking, and his pocket had a bottom to it. With a sigh he sat back and decided to at least look like he was being social, or having a good time at least. For a good ten minutes he just looked around, watching the start of a bar fight be quickly ended by a rather pretty girl walking up to the bar.

Wait, that was-

"Shepard, over here!" Joker called out.

He couldn't just leave now, it would be too obvious he was uncomfortable. With a heavy sigh, Kaidan forced a smile. Though when he saw her up close it became more genuine. He bit his tongue a little to keep from letting his jaw drop.

"You got a table for us, already." she grinned, sitting down across from Kaidan. She either hadn't noticed him yet, or she was just giving him time to adjust to this... different appearance.

"Yeah, well I wanted a good view of the place since I'll be sitting here all night." Joker said as he took a sip of his drink.

"You chose well. Thanks." she said, then glancing over at Kaidan. "Been enjoying yourself so far?"

He cleared his throat a little and then nodded. "I've only been here about fifteen minutes, but it seems... decent here."

"Decent?"

"I mean, I've been to better places. But for what's readily available, this isn't bad." he shrugged, hoping that wouldn't set her off. The corner of her lip quirked up and she crossed her legs, exposing that much more skin with her dress. But he couldn't take his eyes away from hers. There was something different and he couldn't place his finger on what it was. Maybe he'd ask if he ever got the chance to be alone with her without it being terribly obvious that they had... something. He wasn't sure what to call that, either. In fact, there was a lot he couldn't put a name to between them. But there was something there, at least.

"I think the idea is that the more you drink, the more you enjoy it." Shepard shrugged, "But, that might be a little harder for you."

"Just a little?" he grinned, knowingly raising his voice a little too much.

"Well, would you like to test my theory?" she leaned forward, looking ready to hop out of her seat and over to the bar.

"I would." Joker interrupted, getting a laugh out of her.

"Alright. I go get us a couple rounds set up." She stood up, only to have her seat be replaced by Ashley moments later.

"Hey, Alenko." she snapped her fingers and he found himself staring into brown eyes, not green eyes. "Don't screw this up."

"What?"

"You think she came up with this idea herself?" Ash sat back, crossing her arms. "No, Joker and I had to convince her. For your sake."

"For my sake? What are you trying to do?" he leaned forward, keeping his voice down the best he could while still being heard.

"Listen, with all the crap we're finding out, and the deeper we go with this mission, I'm starting to think we might not have much time left." Ashley leaned forward as well, "I'm just nudging you two along a bit."

"Well thanks for asking but we don't need it."

"Really? You seem a hell of a lot more interested in her than before."

"There aren't regs in the way, here."

"Is that all that's stopping you? Regs?" Ashley laughed. "I'll bet that if at the end of all this that everything goes to hell, that's going to be the last thing on your mind when you think about her."

"What's that?" Shepard came back with multiple drinks in each hand, a smile on her face.

"Oh nothing. Just small talk." Ashley stood up. "Just keeping the seat warm."

"You can sit with us. I was just about to have a little friendly competition with Kaidan." she took her seat back and divided the drinks evenly between the two of them, and then an extra for Joker. She then looked Kaidan dead in the eye, smirking. "I take a shot. Then you take a shot. Hesitate or puke and you lose."

"And how about passing out?" he dared ask with a smile.

"We can add that, if you're such a lightweight." she shrugged, picking up her glass, "Ladies first."

"Oh this is going to be great." Joker chuckled as she easily tossed down the first shot.

"What's your record, skipper?" Ashley grinned, all of them looking at Kaidan. He hardly hesitated as he poured the liquid fire down his throat. This was a game he was good at, unfortunately.

"45." she said with a straight face.

"Damn!"

"What the hell is this?" Kaidan grimaced once he found himself able to talk.

"Tequila." she smirked, taking her second shot and looking him in the eye as she did so.

"Wait, you've taken 45 shots of tequila before?" Joker held his hand out. She nodded. "How the hell is that possible-"

"Biotics." she and Kaidan both replied. He only knew she had them because he could feel them whenever she was within 20 feet. Just like he could feel Liara's biotics. Of course the natural biotics always felt weird to him. Almost invasive. But maybe that was just bias because of what he'd grown up around. He was sure he'd get used to it some day.

"Well I retract my previous statement." Joker grumbled, looking disappointed.

"Yeah, that's not really a competition, then." Ashley crossed her arms again. "I mean, I'd go up against one of you if I thought I had a chance."

"Fine. We'll just drink the bar dry." Shepard looked back to Kaidan, "By the way, I just won. You hesitated."

"I'm sure there are other things I could beat you at."

"Well now you've got my attention."


	5. Bad Choices

_Author's Note: Thanks to _**Sailor Centaurti1** _for following this story, and_ **stephanid98 **_for favoriting_!_ As always, let me know what you think of the story, and if there's anything you'd like to see put in. Thanks and enjoy!_

* * *

She had no idea what sort of trouble she had just gotten herself into. Catherine had apparently struck a chord in Kaidan that made him decide to pull her away from the group. She wasn't afraid of him, or what he could do to her, it was more that she was afraid of anyone who might see them. Yes, they were on shore leave. But it wasn't for very long. Either way, she sat down beside Kaidan at the end of the bar, putting her back to the wall and crossing her legs. Her hair fell into her face so she had to brush it out of the way, and in the process of doing so, she glanced at the bartender, and smiled.

"What can I get you?" the young woman asked.

"I'll have three fingers of Asari hard liquor." she said, turning to Kaidan.

"I'm fine for now."

She chuckled and he turned to look at her.

"What?"

"You'd better have something to drink while we're here."

"I will. Promise." he was smiling and she couldn't help but ease off a little and lean back. He wasn't acting like his usual reserved and kind self right now. While that's what first brought her attention to him, it was incredibly enticing to see this other side of him.

"Alright. Then tell me something." Catherine couldn't wait to see what his explanation of this was going to be.

"Hm?"

"Why'd you pull me over here away from everyone else? Thought you wanted to be as inconspicuous as possible."

"Maybe I changed my mind, since we aren't on duty."

"A Spectre's always on duty." she said, turning to take her drink as it appeared.

"Good thing I'm not one."

"Yet." she quipped as she put the glass to her lips, drinking a good third of the liquor. She put the glass down and looked back up at him, "You still haven't answered my question with a definite answer."

She watched as he thought it over, and waited patiently for him to respond.

"I wanted to spend some time with you while I didn't have to necessarily make plans."

"So you're essentially asking me out on a lazy date?" Catherine smirked. He nodded and she let out a small chuckle, lightly hitting his shoulder. "You're lucky I didn't leave early like I planned."

"Why were you planning on leaving early, if I may ask." Kaidan leaned over a little bit.

"Get a drink, and maybe I'll tell you."

"I'm going to need a definite answer from you." he grinned. She rolled her eyes with a smile.

"Get a drink, _then_ I'll tell you. How's that?"

"Better." he waved the bartender over and got something to drink, looking at her expectantly. As soon as he had the glass in hand, she started to speak again.

"I was planning on going to visit my mom, since she's on shore leave right now, too. I don't know if I would have spent the night there, or not, but..." she trailed off in thought and after a couple moments she sighed, "I don't think she's doing as well as she used to be."

"I get that." Kaidan interrupted quietly. Well, as quiet as he could at the bar. She suddenly realized that this might not be the best place to talk with him about this sort of thing. She would willingly talk to him, though.

"Hey, listen. I'm going to go tell everyone I'm leaving. I'll tell them I have a meeting or something tomorrow morning." she took the rest of her drink, and gladly downed it, pushing the empty glass away gently, "Stay here for another half hour or so... And then you can come by my apartment and we can talk more, alright? I'm not comfortable talking about this sort of thing in the open."

Whether he would go for it or not, Catherine didn't know. She just knew that if he did go along with it, she would make it well worth his time, going out of the way to talk with her. He probably had plans to- actually, he probably didn't have anything better to do than spend time with her. After she saw him nod, they walked back to the table, and while everyone was there, she told them she was leaving. After a little protesting from everyone, she agreed to ten more minutes, then ended up staying another half hour.

"I'm really sorry everyone, but I need to get some sleep. I have a meeting first thing tomorrow morning. Stay as long as you want, I'll pick up the tab." she quickly backed away and headed for the door, ignoring all the protest to stay. She'd managed to walk all the way to the taxi stand without running into anyone, and as she was waiting, someone came hurrying over towards her, carrying something. It wasn't anyone she knew.

"Excuse me, ma'am, you dropped this!" he said, holding out something she would clearly never own, much less carry around: a purse. She chuckled.

"I think you're mistaken. I didn't take anything in there with me. And even if I did, my crew would know to hold it for me until I got back to the ship." she went to turn around and the man made the mistake of putting a hand on her shoulder.

She turned back and glared at the man, and when he didn't back down she hardly hesitated to throw her fist into his cheek, sending him slamming against the floor. And suddenly six men showed up, cornering her. She was a skilled fighter, sure. But even with her biotics six was too many to take on her own. So she did the first thing she could think of, and pushed the panic button on her omni-tool, alerting her whole crew with her location. She pressed herself against the wall, and tried to hold them off. She felt pathetic, being unable to save herself. The bouncers upstairs even looked at her, and stood there. If she had anything to say about that, they'd be fire before the end of the night.

Catherine watched as they inched closer. The man she'd sent to the floor was Human. The rest coming at her were Turian and Batarian. She was in shock, and didn't move when one of the men returned her punch with double the force, causing her to black out for what she assumed was just a few seconds when her head hit the wall behind her. Now that she was down on the ground, she was at a severe disadvantage. That is, until she heard shouting, and suddenly a small thunder of footsteps. Turning her head she saw her crew, minus Joker, running down the stairs. It would have deterred nearly any group even if Wrex hadn't been there. He'd shoved his way to the front of the group and growled into the face of a Turian, who immediately backed away. She let out a sigh of relief when the group scampered off, leaving their leader still groggy on the floor. She might have had a worse punch, but she knew where to hit to make it hurt. Ashley had already begun screaming at the man to get up and go home, Garrus backing her by threatening to call C-Sec. Meanwhile the only available medic crouched down and grabbed her chin, stealing her breath at the sudden action.

"One of them broke your lip. And I can already see a bruise forming on your cheek. Is that all the damage?" he asked with a little bit of a smirk, dropping his hand to help her up.

"Uh, yeah. I think so." she moved to take his arm and stand but found that she was getting dizzy, and so she slumped back down. "Alright, maybe not."

"Hmph. They get scared too easily." Wrex grumbled as the other man ran off. Catherine let out a laugh and they all stared at her.

"What, Wrex? Not a long enough fight for you?"

"Not enough of one. You got all the action." he huffed and turned back, "I'm going back in for another drink."

"Well, someone has to keep an eye on him." Ashley said, rather fast to follow him, along with nearly everyone else. Liara was still standing there, in the back. She looked confused.

"Why don't you two help me back to my apartment?" she said a little quieter, grimacing. She felt like she was going to throw up; the taste of her own blood was something she could never get used to. Liara seemed to relax and came to her other side. She put an arm around both of them, admittedly leaning more on Kaidan, because she knew he could take her weight. They didn't get very far before she began losing consciousness. She'd hit her head harder than she thought.

She came too a while later, and it was dark when she opened her eyes. Catherine was still dressed, though she didn't have her shoes on. A few moments later she realized that she was in her apartment, in bed. Lifting her head slowly, she found that she could sit up at least. There was light coming from the other room, where the living area and kitchen were. She was about to reach for her gun, when she realized that it was probably just Kaidan and Liara. She'd asked them to help carry her back, didn't she? They'd probably want to make sure she was alright after passing out. She let out a soft sigh and closed her eyes, just trying to relax before attempting to stand, and then walk. She didn't get the chance.

"Hey. Are you feeling any better?" Kaidan was standing just inside the doorway, one hand gripping the frame of it. She opened her eyes and looked over, smiling a little.

"Yeah. I just have a small headache, but I'm sure it'll go away soon." she paused and then motioned for him to come over as she pulled her knees up to her chest, keeping herself covered by the blanket. He turned on the light, and then came in and sat down next to her, just like she wanted. "So how far did you have to carry me?" she asked while he was habitually looking over her "injuries".

"Hm... Just about the whole way there. We barely got ten feet before you passed out." he smiled and lowered his hand and his voice. "I told Liara she could go if she wanted, but she insisted on making sure we got you back here safely. So I had her open the door. She was pretty quick to leave, though."

"So... It's just you and me here?"

"Yeah."

She held his gaze for a while, and had to remind herself that right now, she could do whatever she wanted. There weren't any cameras watching her, or people that could walk by and get her discharged. Catherine hated that she had to remind herself of these things so often. So, she decided to hell with it, and leaned forward to give him a little kiss as thanks. She leaned back again, and didn't make eye contact with him for a few seconds. At least not until she realized that he was getting closer to her.

Now she'd done it. She'd opened up the gate and they both knew that there was absolutely no backing away from it now. His arm reached to the other side of her body and held him up as he stretched over so that he could meet her lips again. She was mildly surprised that he hadn't asked her if it was okay beforehand, or something. That's what he usually did. But his lips were warm against hers and she felt her legs relaxing, laying flat on the bed once again.

Her fingers were suddenly trailing up the back of his neck, and then tangling in his hair. It was a little strange that she was acting without thinking, and that suddenly it was getting a little hard to breathe. She pulled her head back and started panting to catch her breath, looking up at Kaidan and searching his face for... something. She didn't know what exactly. Then she was suddenly being pushed back, losing her breath once again as she pulled him against her. Her head hit her pillow again and she felt his weight on top of her.

"Kaidan, wait-" she gently pushed on his chest. He was immediately sitting back up and she could barely see how red his face was before he was moving to leave the room. "Kaidan, don't leave." she didn't mean to act like she didn't want it. But, he was already out of the room. She huffed and got up as fast as she could, not sure that she would be able to catch him before he left. Luckily she caught him right as he was about to open the door. She grabbed his arm and pulled him to turn around and face her. He wouldn't look her in the eye.

"I... I really should be going." he said, trying to escape her grip without pushing her or ripping himself away. She sighed and dropped her hand.

"Kaidan, you don't need to run away." she waited until he looked at her to speak, "It's just... It's been a while for me. And it's not that I don't want you here, but I don't want to rush into anything. You know?"

He slumped his shoulders and she met his gaze, offering a smile.

"Guess it's been a while for me, too."

"So, don't just run off on me. You didn't do anything wrong - if anything I just needed to catch my breath."

They both chuckled and she motioned for him to sit down with her so that they could talk. They hadn't exactly discussed the terms of their relationship, so Catherine figured that might help to clear things up. They didn't exactly have much to say, though. Other than being sure that they could separate this from work, they didn't really have many concerns about respecting the other person. By now they could generate fairly accurate assumptions as to how the other person might react to any given event.

"What time is it?" Catherine yawned, looking for her clock in the room.

"It's nearly midnight. I should really get going." Kaidan stood up.

"But what if I have a concussion and need someone to take me to the hospital? They say the first 24 hours after getting your head hit are the most vital in diagnosing a concussion." Catherine said quickly, smiling at herself. Anything to keep him from leaving. Kaidan looked back at her, his mouth open slightly and smirking before he sighed and shook his head.

"Fine... I'll stay." he put his hands on her arms as she popped up, grinning.

"Then you'll stay in my bed with me." she took half a step back, "In case I need medical help, of course."

"Of course."


	6. Easy Choices Are Never Easy - Part I

_Author's Note: Thank you so much to _**Starvica**_ for following the story and to_ **carrotycake** _and _**hallucigennia **_for following and adding the story to your favorites_._ It puts a smile on my face every time someone lets me know that they are interested in my work. I put so much effort into making each chapter, and it's been paying off. _

_I know I haven't been focusing much on the missions themselves, so I will try to incorporate that aspect into this important chapter, as an experiment. I'm sure by the title you can guess why. Please, let me know what you think of the change, and if you want me to keep going with it every other chapter. As I've said before, I'm eager to hear your feedback, as well as any ideas for things you'd like to see in the future with this story. Enjoy!_

* * *

He had a bad feeling about leaving the Normandy. Granted, he had a bad feeling nearly every time he left, but this time was different. It was a feeling that sat low in his chest - practically his gut. He'd felt this way before and he couldn't shake it off no matter what he tried.

"Something wrong?" Shepard asked before they got into the Mako. He looked up, deciding he'd better say something now before he regretted it.

"You ever get that feeling in your gut that something... bad is going to happen? I mean, no matter what you might try to do, you won't be able to stop something from happening?"

Maybe he'd said too much, or was stretching too far because she was silent for a moment, looking over him. When he was about to shove it off she nodded.

"I didn't want to say it, but I have that feeling too. I think everyone does - we've had it a little too good so far." She glanced at the helmet in her hands, almost as if she were expecting someone's head to be in it, if he saw her face correctly.

"I'm sure it's just a feeling. We'll get Saren, once we figure out what the STG needed." Kaidan nodded, bringing her back from wherever she might have started wandering off to. She looked up and sighed, nodding curtly.

"Right. Get in the Mako, we're just waiting on Tali." she turned to look towards the doors to the Engine Room, waiting patiently. Kaidan sighed quietly to himself and got in as he was told, taking a seat in the back so he could try to clear his mind before they left.

That night he'd been at her apartment had been the last time he'd seen her outside of the Normandy. He'd have liked to spend more time with her, but he also understood that if he pushed too hard to be with her he might end up ruining everything. It wasn't like anything special had happened, anyway. He was just another pillow for her to sleep on, really. Kaidan hated saying it like that, he knew that wasn't all that it had been for her. She'd said so, apologizing a few times to him, in fact.

Jokingly in response, he said he would only forgive her if the next time they saw each other he got to properly stay the night. She laughed and shook her head, not actually saying anything.

Kaidan opened his eyes and found he was smiling ever so slightly, and had a clear head now. Tali was just climbing in, followed by Shepard. He sat up straight again and got ready for the drop, listening to the Mako come to life around him. He'd never really been fond of these vehicles until he'd started serving on the Normandy, and now he could say that they weren't nearly as bad as everyone claimed they were. The driver had a few issues every now and then, but it wasn't like she was terrible. The worst had been on Therum to get Liara. Geth were dropping left and right, there was gunfire everywhere... Not to mention there was lava that could have easily killed everyone.

"Get ready to drop in fifteen seconds." Joker said over the radio. Everyone was strapped in and the cargo bay had been cleared. The blast doors started opening and Kaidan hadn't been expecting Virmire to look like this. It was so beautiful, and tropical. He wondered if this is why Saren put his base here - he seemed to have a niche for ruining perfectly good things. Off to the distance, in the deeper waters, it looked like there was a storm heading this way.

"Got a clean drop, Commander."

"Good, keep the Normandy out of range until we take out those AA towers."

"I know the drill. Meet you at the salarian camp."

Kaidan smirked. Only Joker could get away with back-talk to a superior. Regardless, the Mako started rolling towards the first AA tower.

"It's so beautiful here." Tali remarked quietly as she looked around. She was the expert technician out of all three of them, and Shepard valued her highly for that, and her genuine interest in helping however she could. It was refreshing to see that sort of enthusiasm.

They turned the corner to the first tower, and got under the cover of the walkway that led to the AA gun. They all got out and started to pick off geth, working silently out of familiarity with one another. It was nearly an effortless attack, with the only trouble coming from the destroyers. But they didn't last long with Tali around. Kaidan held point as the two went ahead to shut down the gun, then heading back to the Mako as the doors lifted, allowing for passage further to the second tower. The process was repeated whenever they ran across any pocket of geth, leaving nothing but soon-to-be rusting corpses behind.

"Uh, Commander?"

"What is it?"

"Normandy just touched down, but it looks like we're grounded. Salarian captain can explain when you get here."

"The hell?" Shepard growled quietly. Kaidan began to notice the feeling in his gut, again. The rest of the ride was smooth and uninterrupted, spare for Shepard mumbling to herself. She tended to do that, though he doubted she was aware she ever did.

They stopped far enough away that they walked, but the Normandy was indeed grounded. The salarian camp was bustling, and that made Kaidan nervous. Ashley was already talking with the captain, and Shepard was hurrying to meet up with them. He hung back a bit, confident in his commander's abilities to control the situation.

"We wait here until the council sends the reinforcement we requested."

"We are the reinforcement." Kaidan scowled when he was close enough.

"What? You're all they sent?"

"The council couldn't understand your message. They sent me to investigate."

"That is a mere repetition of our task. I've lost nearly half my men _investigating_ this place."

"So what have you found?"

"Saren's base of operations. He has set up a breeding facility."

"How is that possible?" Wrex grumbled, close enough to have heard most of the conversation.

"He has found a cure for the genophage." Kirrahe said, already nervous enough with Wrex a few feet away. Kaidan was too busy watching the body language to hear what was going on.

"We are not a mistake!" Wrex began marching off to the other side of the camp. That didn't bode well.

"I'll deal with Wrex while you come up with a new plan." Shepard held her hand up before the captain could speak, turning to face Ashley and himself.

"Looks like Wrex is going to blow a gasket." Ash said, looking over nervously. He knew she wasn't fond of the aliens, but she did seem to have grown a soft spot for the ones on the Normandy.

"Think I should go talk to him?"

"It couldn't hurt. Well, it might."

"Wait here." She turned, walking calmly towards Wrex as he began firing his gun into the water. All eyes were on them, and Kaidan wanted to get closer to hear the exchange, but didn't want to risk anything. He opted to stand near the edge of the water, just watching. Wrex's voice could be heard, but the words were harder to make out from this distance. He was suddenly nose to nose with Shepard, still looking very angry. And seconds later they were both pulling a gun on each other, at a stale mate.

His blood was chilling, and he was frozen in place. She'd have to do some serious smooth talking to get him to back down, or she'd have to take out one of her crew members. No one wanted to see Wrex go. He didn't just have good stories, but he had good ideas about what the krogan should do with their future. He could see that they weren't meant to be killers, but that there was still hope, somewhere. He could be valuable if he ever gained influence with his people.

Wrex lowered his gun the same time that Shepard did. And then he reached out to shake her hand. If Kaidan was seeing things right, Wrex was still angry, but it looked like it was rightly placed anger, now. Shepard turned back to meet with the captain again. Everyone could relax again.

* * *

"Kaidan, you'll go with the captain."

"Yes ma'am."

He didn't want to be separated but he wasn't about to disobey his orders. There was a solid plan in place and there wasn't much room for error. She turned to face him, and Ashley.

"Just keep your head low and time your shots. You'll do fine."

"Yeah." he hesitated, wanting to say something, but now was definitely not the time to speak.

"Something you want to say?"

Damn her for being able to pick up on those little things.

"It's just weird, thinking about being under someone else's command. I've gotten used to you, I guess."

"You get a break from her barking at you for a few hours and you're upset over that?" Ash teased, well aware of what was going on between them but willing to play blind to it all when she had to. Kaidan smiled and turned to go join with the rest of the salarians while Shepard went to gather her team.

He'd never been a fan of frontal assaults like this, but he was the only one with any real experience against the geth - he knew the tactics. So when they began their approach, he began looking for weaknesses. Calling them out when he saw them, it was almost as if Shepard was actively looking for ways to fix the problems. It was getting easier to march forward and take up a defensive position. It wasn't long before there was a break in the fight, which told him that they had to be close to the spot where the bomb was going to go.

"Shepard, how close are you?" he had to ask her - make sure she was alright.

"We're just on the other side of the doors. Get ready to meet at the rendezvous."

"Yes ma'am."

Not two seconds later, Kaidan saw Kirrahe get shot, and slump to the ground. He was in command, now. Doing the only thing he knew how to, he began barking out orders to regroup, hoping to hold out as another solid wave of geth came pouring out. He had never seen some of these geth units before, but he didn't dare let his fear show in front of the salarians. They were soon pinned down. When he saw the dropship heading not too far off, he felt he had to warn the others, but the warning was apparently too late.

"Alenko, get to the rendezvous!"

His blood ran cold at his own words.

"We're pinned down, I don't know if we can make it."

"I'm activating the bomb." Ashley said quickly. It became very clear in that moment that yes, they were going to loose either Ashley or himself. Both would be good soldiers and try to sacrifice themselves to save everyone else, but Kaidan knew that he was secretly hoping he would get to see another day at the expense of Ashley's life. Only Shepard could make the call now.

The silence was deafening.

"Alenko," he sighed, "I'm coming for you. Hold your position a little longer."

"Yes ma'am, I-I..."

"You know it's the right choice, LT." Ashley drove the hammer down with a determined yet wavering voice. It crushed him, and in his carelssness, he got himself shot in the stomach. Just enough to render him ineffective in the fight.

He continued to give orders the best he could in his state. He was beyond grateful and happy to see Shepard barrel out from the doors, quickly taking out geth, leaving few for Garrus and Wrex to take out. It was in that moment he saw her in a true rage, no doubt upset that she knew she was going to lose a friend in the next hour. It wasn't fair to anyone, and especially not her. Kaidan could only imagine what Akuze must have been like for her, and to have to relive this same pain... He would have to prove that Ashley's sacrifice would not be in vain - that she would mean something and that her name would be equal to Shepard's at the end of this fight.

When the fight seemed to be at its end, the turian bastard made his enterance. Kaidan was then relieved that he was already behind cover, listening carefully to the conversation that ensued.


	7. Easy Choices Are Never Easy - Part II

_Author's Note: I apologize for the delay. I keep getting over one sickness and then catching something else, on top of having a tough quarter at school. Either way, I hope you enjoy this chapter. Let me know what you think of it!_

* * *

He tried standing up, only to find that it was incredibly painful. The medi-gel had stopped the bleeding and numbed the initial pain, but it was hard to ignore the deep, internal pain. Shepard ran over as Saren was running off to help. In the blink of an eye he was suddenly being thrown into a fireman's carry over her shoulders, and he nearly rolled his eyes, until he realized that they really didn't have the time for him to hobble over slowly to the Normandy. The bomb was going to go off in less than two minutes.

He was set down on the metal floor of the cargo bay, and they all watched as the Normandy began rising, flying away from the area as fast as possible. The last thing they saw was the spot where Ashley was being overrun with geth. He closed his eyes, saying a silent prayer just for her.

Chakwas had been waiting for them to arrive and he'd barely noticed that he was being tended to. It wasn't a very complex wound and within seconds he was able to stand and walk with just a tiny pinch of pain. He'd be fine. But then there was an obvious shake. Shepard let out a loud and pained scream.

"Ashley!"

His head whipped around when he saw her collapse to her knees. He was quick to run over and take her into his arms - regs be damned, the woman needed comfort right now! Once he saw that no one was going to object him he took a firmer hold of her. Everyone else turned to give them privacy as he began to rock Catherine gently back and forth as she continued to scream, eventually calming into a soft sob when they were the only ones.

Kaidan took his gloves off and nestled one hand on the back of her head, the other pulling her against him. Her weight caused him to fall back, and he decided to let her sit in his lap for however long it would take for this to pass. Usually the second they were heading away from the mission Joker was asking if she wanted to report to the council. He suspected he'd heard her cry over the comm and understood that she would start giving orders when she was ready.

He didn't say a word to her for the whole two hours that she cried. He'd let himself cry during some of that time but he hadn't known Ashley as well as Catherine had, so he'd gotten most of his own initial grief out and dealt with. If he was being honest with himself, he'd have been concerned if she'd been able to simply shove off the loss and continue on as if nothing had happened. They were human, and he was beginning to realize that having these emotions weren't necessarily bad to have while serving. It made it all the more clear why they were going after Saren, why they were risking their lives on a day to day basis. To him, he never wanted to see anyone else go through what she was going through right now. He didn't ever want to see her go through anything like this ever again.

She silently pulled herself away and wiped her eyes, standing without a word, but holding her hand out for him. He didn't think that she'd say anything, but she did stare at him for a minute.

"Thank you." she whispered as her voice cracked.

"I'm not letting you do anything alone." he gave her hand a gentle squeeze while he still had it, and then let it drop to his side with a sigh. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not right now... But I'll come to you when I'm ready."

"Alright." he swallowed thickly and then turned to take off his armor, scowling at the hole that was left from his wound. He'd probably have to get a new set. He could bring that to attention later., but for now he wanted to shower. Get Virmire off his skin.

He dressed himself quickly after his shower, and went to sit in the cockpit for a while, wanting some silence with a friend. He didn't get the silence at first.

"Is she alright?"

"I... I think so." he sat down heavily.

"You think? Come on, man. You two were down there for a long time, she-"

"She's still human, Joker." Kaidan scowled, "Give her time, she'll be fine if you do that."

"Am I allowed to ask why you're not with her right now?"

"She wanted to be alone for a bit." he lied. There was a pause. "I would too, if I had to make that call."

"Let's hope you never have to choose between two lives." Joker nodded, finally allowing silence.

Kaidan was beginning to realize just how much of an impact Ashley had on the entire crew just a few hours later. She usually did maintenance on everyone's guns, helped out with Mako repairs if Garrus needed it. She was always cracking a joke about someone - in good nature. Ashley made everyone smile, and she had come such a long way from when he'd first met her. She'd had a dislike towards aliens, but who didn't deep down? She'd voiced it clearly to everyone, and after some time, she'd begun to see, just as everyone did, that other aliens weren't so bad.

Catherine showed up on the bridge just a few hours later, looking composed, but not hiding that she was still shaken up. Kaidan looked over his shoulder towards her, and she made a silent motion for him to leave for a bit. He could tell because she was eyeing Joker. He cleared his throat as he stood to walk out, unsure of where he'd go. He supposed he could go eat, since he hadn't eaten for almost ten hours.

* * *

It was hard to sit through the debriefing without Ashley. But there was a tiny silver lining: they knew where to go now. It was something and it would mean a chance at avenging Ash's death. But again, he had a bad feeling about heading to the Citadel to warn the council. Everyone was dismissed, and he stayed for just a moment longer.

"Can I talk with you for a minute?"

"Make it quick, I need to contact the council." she said, looking like she was about to snap.

"I've got a bad feeling about going back to the Citadel... Maybe we should just head for the relay."

"And leave the heart of the galaxy defenseless? That'll work well." she shook her head. "We're going, and that's final, Lieutenant."

"Yes ma'am." he muttered, backing out of the room. Did she really have to pull rank on him? He hardly saw that as necessary, and unfortunately it had hurt him. He felt a migraine coming on, so he went to go sleep it off. By the time he woke up maybe she'd have calmed down some so he could figure out what was going on with her. Because that sure as hell wasn't coming from the loss of a friend.

It was apparently clear to several others that something was not sitting well with him. Garrus called after him, and actually got him to stop for a moment.

"Are you alright? You look... I don't know... Worried."

"I'm worried about Shepard. She's not herself right now." he shook his head. "I just hope she still knows what she's doing."

"Yeah." there was a long pause. "I'm sure... I'm sure this will all work out."

Kaidan nodded, a mumbled something about needing some rest. He turned to go down the stairs, and once he reached the bottom, he realized that his body was taking him where he shouldn't go. He paused right outside her quarters. He did not belong there, but... Why was he standing here, then? He searched his mind for some clue. When he couldn't find any he turned to go to the sleeper pods. They weren't by any means comfortable, but at least he had a place to sleep that was quiet. He stepped in, shut the pod, and closed his eyes. Hopefully he wouldn't wake up to Reapers.

* * *

His head was still aching when he woke up again. He stepped out of the pod, and took a glance at the time.

"Damn it." he said silently. It was only 0200, which meant nearly everyone would be asleep. His stomach growled and he started mindlessly walking towards the nearest food.

He sat down with... He didn't even know what he grabbed but it wasn't like it was going to have much flavor anyway. Kaidan sat alone, used to it at this time of night. Eating in silence, he didn't bother to look up, even when he heard someone else sitting there. Judging by how quiet the person was, he could only assume it was Catherine. Surprised at himself, he felt a little angry at her.

"I'm sorry about earlier." she said softly. He looked up, snapping out of his thoughts and letting the anger melt away.

"You're not the first person to snap at me under pressure. It's fine."

"It's not fine. I may be under a lot of pressure but that's no excuse for me to talk to you like your opinion means nothing to me." she sighed, and he saw the dark circles under her eyes, behind the messy hair. She was still in uniform, but it was wrinkled - like she'd slept in it. Or had tried to sleep in it. "I don't want to go back to the Citadel, but... My hands are tied. I wish there was something I could do."

"We could always mutiny." he offered with a smile. She hummed and smiled at the table.

"As tempting as that is, I don't think we'll be at the Citadel long, anyway. Just a day or so." Catherine looked up, sighing. "You shouldn't eat that crap."

"What else am I going to eat?"

"Something better." she stood up, motioning with her head for him to follow. He didn't question her and he stood up, leaving his tray behind as they went into her room.

It was darker than he thought it should be, but she was only ever in here to sleep, it seemed. Kaidan didn't feel right being in here, but there was a tiny thrill of breaking the rules that made him stay. She told him to sit down, and not in the chair at the desk. That left the edge of her bed. He watched as she dug around, pulling a panel from the wall loose, revealing a stash of real food. He grinned.

"Why am I not surprised?" he asked as she held out a box for him.

"Because you'd probably do the same if you were able to." she grinned and sat next to him, both snacking on a box of crackers, relatively silent.

The box had been finished off a while ago. The clock, had either bothered to look, now read 0318, and now they were laying on their backs beside each other, murmuring to one another in deep conversation. It had started off with them both explaining what had happened earlier, both forgiving the other. From there, they talked about what was likely going to happen, what they wished would happen. Kaidan didn't expect what she said next.

"I can't wait to get some shore leave with you when this is done."

He looked over to her and saw she had her eyes closed, hands folded across her stomach. She almost looked like she was dead, if it weren't for the fact she was still breathing. He forgot it was his turn to say something, and her eyes opened slowly, her head turning towards him. Then he remembered to speak.

"I haven't thought about what I'll do once this is all over." he moved his arm, brushing the backs of his fingers with hers. She hooked hers between his and smiled. "That sounds nice, though."

"Yeah... We could actually go places and not have someone start shooting at us." her head turned back to the tiled ceiling, shifting her hand so she could properly hold his for a bit. He felt that thrill of breaking the rules, along with the rush from touching her in that moment.

"I might miss that part." he said with mock sadness, glad to hear her chuckle quietly. She'd hardly smiled the past day or so, and he'd just managed to get her to laugh, and lighten up. He was feeling pretty great right now. Then his eyes happened to catch the time.

"If you want, I could shoot at you while you run." she grinned, looking back and then letting her grin fade.

"We have time to figure it out... But I should probably go. People will be waking up in a few hours, and you still need some sleep." Kaidan sat up slowly, feeling a small tug on his hand. He looked over to her.

"Don't tell anyone about the food."

He smiled.

"Not a word." he stood once both of their hands managed to loosen. He left without a word and went back to the sleeper pod for just a couple more hours of rest.


	8. So Close

_Author's Note: Hello again! I would like to shout out a huge thank you to _**Kirabaros**_ for the follow and the favorite. It makes me happy each time I see someone's name pop up in an email like that! This chapter was particularly long because once I started writing, I just couldn't find a good stopping point. Not to mention everything just started flowing out of me. I'm considering having this story span all three games, and (of course) beyond. Is this okay with you? I really hope you guys enjoy it, and please let me know what you think! Enjoy!_

* * *

He was amazed sometimes at how well she could keep herself composed. This was absolute bullshit and she was able to keep a straight face, only her eyes betraying her emotional state. She was amazing.

Just two hours earlier, she'd barely walked past him to let him know he was going with her to the council meeting before she ran to hurry to the elevator to tell Garrus, only to run back up and get her uniform squared away, slap her armor on, and then rush to just barely get there in time to be cleared to enter the council chambers. All three arrived nearly out of breath, but luckily only Catherine had to speak. Kaidan and Garrus hung back, only there in case something terrible happened.

Like being grounded on the Normandy when they needed to head to Ilos.

"You bastard, you're selling us out!" Kaidan couldn't help but snarl at Udina. Something wasn't right, why would he be happy to restrict the only group of people - the only person - who was capable of stopping the Reapers? Catherine muttered something to Udina before she excused herself. Garrus and Kaidan stormed out with her. As they headed to the elevator, she was already ripping off her armor.

"Sonofabitch thinks he can just ground me?" she was muttering to herself. The three stepped into the elevator and she tossed her armor to the floor as each piece was removed. The two men could only watch in confusion. "I'm the one fucking chasing after Saren. You'd think that on Spectre authority I could just take the Normandy and go." she scoffed, "He's gonna get it some day. And I'll be damned if it's anyone but me."

Already she was stripped from the waist down of her armor. She had on a rather flimsy under suit, but she'd walked around in it before. She threw all the smaller pieces into the chest piece, trying to carry as little as possible. When the elevator doors opened, she walked out shamelessly, heading for the elevator that would take them to the Normandy's docking bay. Kaidan tried to keep up without running but it didn't exactly work out nicely. He eventually grabbed her arm.

"Catherine, slow down a little bit, come on." he said quietly.

"If I slow down will you leave me be for a bit?"

"Of course." he nodded, glad when she resumed her normal pace. Kaidan left a good 3 feet between them but continued walking alongside her. He knew they were all upset, but this seemed... Excessive. Maybe it was all the stress mounted on her. Maybe he could help somehow. He set his mind to trying to come up with something that could get her to relax, maybe smile again. When they got to the Normandy, he watched as she practically threw her armor into the locker, and then ran to the elevator, unzipping the suit just enough to be decent while walking around. Not that it hid much from view.

"Please tell me you're going to talk with her and come up with a plan?" Garrus murmured, putting his guns away. Or was he taking them out?

"I'll let her cool off for a little longer before I talk with her." Kaidan glanced over.

"Good. That much tension is not good for someone like her." Garrus mumbled as he walked off, carrying his sniper rifle to clean it.

Putting his uniform back on, Kaidan went to finish off the last of the paperwork from Virmire that was sitting over by Ashley's things. He'd been tasked with sorting through what belongings she had and getting them to her family. It had been so hard to get through the sorting, along with the paperwork for many reasons, but he just had ten more pages, and it was hardly worth moving back upstairs. He figured that was an hour or so, plenty of time for Catherine to cool down. Unfortunately it had been longer than he'd anticipated, and it was nearly three hours later before he pushed himself from the completed pile, stretching and popping his back. He pulled his omni-tool up to send a message.

_KA: Hey, can we talk?_

He would wait ten minutes for a response, before he'd go hunt her down. For now, he figured he could straighten up his area, which only took all of five minutes to do. Kaidan sighed at himself, reminding himself it was okay to leave a little more mess, so long as he cleaned it up. He glanced back at his omni-tool, remembering that he'd placed it on silent.

_CS: Sure. I'm by my locker._

_KA: I'll be there in a minute._

He rubbed the back of his neck, nothing less than worried about her. Catherine wasn't much better since Virmire, but at least he knew that she wasn't mad at him, and that her anger was completely justified. Walking from the elevator, turning the corner, he saw her slumped with her back against her locker, eyes closed. Looking around, he didn't see a single person. Which was a little odd. But he looked back to Catherine; her body was obviously tense, and he cleared his throat before he actually stood in front of her.

"Hey." she didn't even bother to open her eyes.

"Hey." He paused, feeling some anger bubble up that she was sitting here being so... pathetic. "I'm sure there's a way to appeal. We're under Alliance control, after all, not the Council."

"Official channels are closed. Udina was quite clear about that." she opened her eyes, tone taking a harsher tone.

"Closed. And we're supposed to accept that? So where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit this out might as well get a good seat." he took a chance at taking a jab at her. She looked up, a hint of a smile on her face.

"Look, we're out of the game for now, but I need you."

"You can always count on me, or any of the crew." he shrugged.

"Come on, Kaidan." she rolled her eyes, "I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. Sometimes I need a shoulder."

"Yeah, you know I always leave a way out." he hoped he wasn't taking things the wrong way as he continued. "I'm here for you, but we're in a rough spot, and the last thing I want to do is muddy things." he paused and glanced over his shoulder, then back to her. "Like it's all that clear to start with. Are we the pride of the fleet or not? Are we valued agents or just peons?"

"You can't just pull out a good old-fashioned 'it'll be alright,' can you?" He laughed a little.

"It's that easy, huh? Okay then." he paused, shifting his weight on his legs a little, lowering his tone and trying to make it sound as genuine as he could. "Everything will be fine, Shepard. You'll figure it out."

"That wasn't that hard, now was it?" she smiled more and he couldn't help but laugh a little as well.

"I could get used to it." he smirked a little, "I guess we have some down time to figure out what we are, huh?" he stepped forward and held his hand out. What exactly was he implying, anyway? The words sort of just came out on their own, but... He impressed himself. Maybe he didn't have to hold back around her as much as he thought he might.

She had a look in her eyes and took his hand, pulling herself up. Only he pulled her up too, and next thing they knew they were pressed against each other, both close enough to feel the other's breath on their shoulder. To catch herself, she'd wrapped an arm around him, and as she slowly pulled away, his other hand went to the small of her back, keeping her from going any further. They locked eyes and for a moment, he wasn't thinking clearly, letting his body do what just felt right. He felt the heat from her body grow along with his own, inching closer to her.

"Sorry to interrupt Commander." they both froze, and Kaidan grimaced. Joker had such perfect timing, didn't he? "Got a message from Captain Anderson."

"What did he want?" Catherine asked, taking a step away. He rubbed at the back of his neck, not sure what to do. He might have a few questions for the man later.

"Captain said to meet him at Flux. That club down in the Wards."

They locked eyes again and he smiled.

"I guess you'd better go, then."

"You're not coming with me?" she said, turning a little to indicate she was leaving right now. He paused and then let his shoulders slump.

"Why the hell not. We can at least go get a drink, I guess." he stepped beside her and they both left, no guns or armor to slow them down. When they walked past the bridge, Joker turned around.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"Remember that message?" Catherine paused, beaming. Her voice was a little too cheery for her to be serious.

"You're going in that? No.. guns? No armor?"

"Nope. We're going to have a drink with the Captain." she said, before slipping past to the pressurizing chamber. Kaidan hung back just enough to see Joker motion to him.

"Hey, I'll meet you there. Joker needs help with something real quick." Kaidan said, motioning for Catherine to go on ahead. She nodded and closed the door. Once it was closed he stepped forward. "What?"

"Pretty convenient that you and her are going alone, huh?" he smirked.

"Yeah, thanks for ruining an almost-moment we had there." Kaidan reached down and lightly smacked Joker behind the head.

"Hey!"

"I know you were listening."

"Maybe the last little bit. Had to make sure I wasn't totally interrupting." Joker rubbed his head. "Besides, it's not like there's cameras-"

"Yeah, thank God for that." Kaidan rolled his eyes crossing his arms. "But seriously, don't do that again. I'm... Tired of having to wait for shore leave. And this might be my last one, so let me enjoy at least some of it."

"Fine. Go get shit-faced. Maybe something will _actually_ happen." Joker smirked as Kaidan walked off. How they were friends was still beyond him. He stepped into the chamber and closed the door. They'd meet with Anderson and then have a few drinks together. He could make sure he wasn't just making an ass of himself three minutes ago. When the opposite door opened, he saw Catherine leaning against the rail with a smile.

"Didn't think you'd be long anyway. You told him off, right?" she pushed herself off and stood in front of him.

"Yeah." he smiled, and reached over to take her hand. "Let's go." She returned the smile and gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, turning to step in the elevator as soon as they could. And to be honest, it was wracking his nerves to show this much affection in public. They were in uniform, too. Though he also had to remind himself that they were on shore leave, and that anything the two did on shore leave was strictly their own business. Unless it besmirched the Alliance in some way.

They were going to the Wards; it wasn't likely that anyone would recognize them. Let alone care about what they were doing. The more he talked himself up about it, the more comfortable he felt, especially when he glanced back over to her, only to see that she was smiling, minding herself and unaware he was looking at her. It almost felt like he stared at her the whole time that they were travelling to Flux, really. Mostly because he suddenly realized they were not in the elevator, but just outside the club, with no recollection of what happened in between. They entered and Catherine had to get close to speak privately to Kaidan.

"Let's find Anderson, and talk with him before we get some drinks." she looked at him with some note of seriousness, and he nodded instead of verbally responding. It was easier in a loud place like this, though it certainly had potential to be louder. And luckily they didn't have to look long to find Anderson.

He sat at a table in the middle of the crowd. There was a drink in front of him and when the two sat down, he nodded and began a casual conversation. It had been a while since they'd spoken.

"How are you holding up, Commander?"

"I've had better days that included Udina being an ass, sadly." she sighed, "How about you, Anderson?"

"I don't think I was ever cut out for a desk job. But it gives me plenty of time to catch up with old friends." Anderson paused, "Alenko, you look like you could use a drink."

"That was the plan." he smiled a little and sat back, though the smile didn't last long.

"Don't drink too much." Anderson leaned forward. "You need to get away from the Citadel, head towards Ilos. I think I might have a way to help."

"How, if you don't mind me asking?" Kaidan spoke first.

"Udina issued the lockdown. I can go into his office and reverse it."

"I don't think he's just gonna let you walk in there and use his terminal." Catherine scoffed, though it sounded like she was considering the idea.

"There's also Citadel Control, though that one might get tricky."

"What are the chances you'll get caught either way?" she asked, concerned.

"With Udina, I might be held in C-Sec for a while. Citadel Control... I'm not sure."

"I say go into Udina's office. Less chance of getting caught." Catherine nodded.

"Just give the word when you're ready." Anderson moved to stand up, when Kaidan held his hand up.

"Anderson, at least finish your drink. Might be the last one you get for a while."

"So long as I'm not drinking alone, I suppose I can stay a little longer." he sat back down with a smile.

"What do you want?" Catherine now stood, looking at Kaidan.

"Whiskey. If they have it."

"Sure thing." she grinned, walking over to the bar. As soon as she left Anderson spoke again.

"She's certainly in a good mood, all of a sudden."

"We were talking when she got your message. Just trying to cheer her up a little. She invited me along, said we might as well have a drink while we were here." he shrugged, glossing over plenty of details, though that didn't make his insides calm any less. He'd been that close to her and it was only now that he was beginning to realize he wanted to be closer to her. As close as he could get. Catherine had been consuming his thoughts long enough, it was time to do something about it. And Kaidan only had so much time.

"She's been under a lot of stress. She could use some down time."

There were those two words again. _Down time._ That wasn't helping either. Maybe he should have let Anderson leave, Kaidan couldn't exactly relax around Catherine the way he wanted if Anderson was there. It was a habit.

"Yeah, we've been trying to make the most out of what we've been able to get. It helps her, though recent events haven't helped much either."

"Ah, right. I'm sorry about Williams." they were both quiet for a few moments, until Catherine came back with two glasses that were nearly identical. Only she didn't have ice in hers. She set the glass with ice in front of Kaidan.

"Please don't tell me you two sat here in silence waiting for me to come back."

"Hm? No, I guess I was just thinking a bit." Kaidan sat up straight, smiling. "Thanks, by the way."

"You're welcome." she bumped her shoulder with his as she took a sip. "Tell me a story Anderson. I need a little distraction." she then chirped, looking eagerly at the man as though he were her father. In a way, Kaidan thought, Anderson had been her father the past few years. Anderson smiled and went into a story that Kaidan had no particular interest in, because he couldn't tear his gaze from the way that she looked as she listened. So eager, free of worries, and most of all, she looked beautiful right now.

She was leaning on the table with one hand on her glass, and her other hand holding her head up as it rested on her cheek. She laughed occasionally and when she did her eyes lit up. He remembered clearly that night they had sat in this bar after Feros, and he really got a good look at her eyes for the first time. She'd had makeup on, sure, but they were stunning even when she didn't doll herself up. But, after having looked at them so long... He couldn't see green without thinking of her eyes. After a while he took a sip of his drink, and turned to look around.

It wasn't that Anderson didn't have interesting stories. It was just that Kaidan wasn't really in a mood to hear about more fighting, or war.

He just wanted to be with Catherine tonight.

"Alright. I should probably get going before they send out a search party for me. Good luck, you two." Anderson stood up, and Kaidan was snapped out of his thoughts, he looked up and smiled as Anderson clapped a hand on his shoulder. "You make sure she gets home safe."

"Yes, sir." he nodded.

"Hey!" Catherine called out, smiling with mock offense and then laughing. "You were quiet. Just thinking again?"

"Yeah, sorry." he sat back. "Guess I'm not that thirsty."

"Then can I have it? I've never had this before and I love it." she was smiling, pointing to the glass and reaching for it.

"No you can't have it, it's mine." Kaidan laughed, snatching the glass before she could. She fake pouted at him and then reached for it anyway, grinning. Her reach had to extend beyond his shoulders, as he held the glass out with his arm fully extended.

"Kaidan, give me one sip!" she laughed, actually bending over to try to reach it. He grinned and kept his arm still.

"And what if I do, what do I get in return?" he looked her in the eye now that her face was beside his.

"I'll let you continue whatever it is that you were doing before someone interrupted us." she said softly, smirking.

"Hardly a fair trade on your end. But I accept." he smiled and retracted his arm, surrendering the glass and watching as she finished it. "Really, Catherine?" he'd tried to get in the habit of only using her first name when they were alone. But they were both still getting used to it because he saw the faint blush on her cheeks. He liked the way that looked on her.

"What? I said a sip and there was a sip left." she shrugged. "Not like you were going to drink it."

"No, I guess not." he smiled softer as she drove him into another subject of conversation.

She fit snugly against his side and he didn't necessarily mind sharing a seat with her. It was closer to her than he'd been since the incident earlier. Which reminded him... She'd never specified _when_ that could continue. Was it up to him, or would he have to wait? Kaidan fell into one of her traps, yet again. But she looked so happy and relaxed, so maybe it was worth it. For now, he could listen to her soft voice go on and on about whatever it was she was talking about as they watched people come and go. After a few hours the club started to empty out, and it was about three drinks later for both of them as they stood and walked out, senses slightly dulled, but hardly by much.

He took her hand on the walk back, upset that he would have to eventually let go of her again, and keep his distance, and be mindful of his eyes, and follow her orders no matter what. Couldn't they just run away from this? With each passing minute he was with her the idea seemed to appeal more and more. Then it dawned on him. If they were getting Anderson to help them get off the Citadel, they were basically committing mutiny. Which meant no more regs.

_"Is that all that's stopping you? Regs? I'll bet that if at the end of all of this that everything goes to hell, that's going to be the last thing on your mind when you think about her."_

Ashley's words were partially true. He was still thinking about the regs, but more or less the new found lack that there would be of them. And now all the things that he could do- no. He would still hold true to the Alliance regulations. Spare for a couple of hours, once they were away from the Citadel, maybe. But no one would have to know.

"Kaidan, stop being so fucking quiet." Catherine said a little loud as they stepped out onto the dock where the Normandy was. Again, he'd missed the whole walk.

"Sorry... Maybe I need a little bit to clear my head. You should go check in with Anderson." he said, finally letting her hand drop from his once they stepped onto the ship, but keeping the same distance from her as he had before. She looked up at him and nodded.

"Yeah. Get the hell away from here as soon as we can. I'll be in my quarters once we're headed towards Ilos." she smiled and they both grew quiet, each thinking of different things. Kaidan needed to steel his nerves and just be straightforward with Catherine, let her know why he'd been so quiet tonight. And she needed to prepare a plan of attack.


	9. Crossing Lines

_Author's Note: This is the chapter that changed the rating. Be warned: it's so detailed at times I cried a little at how long it took to write certain parts, and how slow it seemed to be progressing, but I apologize for nothing. Not even the length of this chapter. I would like to thank _**ImplicationsProblematic**, **Ms Sticha**, _and _**Dumbleduck**_ for following. Enjoy the story!_

* * *

What was he supposed to be doing? He couldn't quite remember but he figured that it wasn't really that important, otherwise someone would have started yelling at him by now. But... Then again they'd just mutinied and stole a top of the line warship. Everyone had been given the opportunity to walk off before they left and none had. The entire crew of the Normandy was behind Shepard on this endeavor, and it was damn impressive that she had been able to inspire such loyalty.

They had just gone through the mass relay when he saw the message on his omni-tool. He smiled, since she was on the deck above him, and could just as easily have come to see him face to face.

_CS: Can I talk with you? Off the record?_

_KA: Of course._

He paused, and then sent another message.

_KA: Where do you want to talk?_

_CS: In my quarters._

There was another pause, and he assumed correct in thinking she had more to add.

_CS: I might need a few minutes to clear my head._

_KA: Take your time. But if I don't hear from you in half an hour, I'll come in myself._

_CS: Fair enough. Thanks._

He rubbed at the back of his neck, feeling a migraine coming on. Kaidan didn't really want to deal with this now, so he thought he might as well go take something before it really became a problem. Chakwas never seemed surprised to see him, and always greeted him with a smile. She was an amazing doctor and he appreciated that she cared so much for the crew. He stayed to talk with her for a few minutes, since he hadn't really done so for a few months.

"You don't need to stay and talk with me, Kaidan." she said as she sat down at the console.

"I know, but I figured that with all you've done for me it's the least I can do." He leaned against one of the cots, slowly sipping on the water he'd been given with the special medication to help prevent his migraines. It usually worked, and when it didn't he simply had a headache that was considerably more pleasant to work with.

"I'm glad you've been taking care of yourself." she chuckled, "Jeff has me running after him with all his medication, it's more of a hassle than it should be."

"Why am I not surprised to hear that about him?"

"He's always been trouble. At least he doesn't make any in situations like these."

"What do you mean by that?" he could feel his eyebrows knitting together with confusion, and he watched as Chakwas sighed, turning in her chair to face him.

"Everyone is so tense right now. Not just because we've stolen the Normandy, but because of what's ahead for us. I don't doubt that's what started to trigger your migraine just now." she turned back to the console. "I suggest you find some way to relax, I don't doubt Catherine will want you at her side when the fighting comes. You two work well together."

"Thanks. I'll keep that in mind." He said, pushing off the cot and walking out of the room. On his way he tossed the cup into the garbage, and then went to find something to do for the next twenty minutes. Most of it was spent simply walking around, before he saw one of the screens flickering over in the corner, yet again. He sighed and went over to work on it, finding that it was a simple fix that ate up the remaining time. And with no message from Catherine, he was at ease allowing himself into the room.

It was fairly dark, like some of the lights were missing, but he could see she was sitting at her desk, zoned out. Catherine almost looked peaceful in that state, and he stepped in just enough so that the door would shut behind him.

"Commander," he said, out of habit, a large, uncomfortable lump in his chest now starting to form. She snapped out of it, and glanced over her shoulder to look at him. She smiled with just the corners of her mouth, and stood up.

"You... really shouldn't be in here." she said, looking to the side as she leaned against her desk, hands gripping the edge of it rather tight. Her eyes were downcast, and she looked... She was scared.

"Are you okay?" he walked closer, lowering his voice.

"No, Kaidan. I'm... I'm really not okay. I'm not okay with... this." she nervously laughed, shaking her head and looking up at him. She was still smiling.

"What aren't you okay with? The fact that we mutinied, stole a ship... I guess technically kidnapped some people..?" He was glad he got a laugh out of her and that her shoulders sank. He watched as her eyes closed. The smile on her face faded a bit.

"None of that." she said softly, pausing for a bit. "I guess I'm scared about not knowing how this is going to end up, you know?"

"I know. It's scary, but we'll get through this. No one else could have made it this far, and I don't intend on stopping now." he stepped forward again and reached out to touch her arm, just below her shoulder. That made her eyes open, and her head lifted in surprise. He smiled, changing the topic. "You know, I almost got a migraine a little bit ago. I went to go talk with Chakwas, and you know what she told me?" he lowered his hand a bit, to her elbow, half aware of what he was doing.

"What?"

"She told me I should find a way to relax. And I doubt that I'm under more stress than you are at the moment, so maybe..." He paused and let out a heavy sigh, shrugging his shoulders as his arm ached to wrap around her - it was so close - "Maybe you need to relax, too. Whatever that means to you."

"You know what I love the most about being around you?" she started, almost as soon as he had stopped, "I never have to worry about saying the wrong thing, or being a little bit selfish, because you seem to understand that I need a break, too." Her eyes were darting between his and her voice wasn't as steady as it usually was. He was then aware that she'd stood up straight, away from her desk, and that she wasn't even an inch away from him.

"And you've never made me feel like an absolute monster for what I've done in my past... You make me feel... Human." he replied, getting closer to admitting something he'd been fearing he might say too soon.

She had the most beautiful green eyes. He'd seen her go through so much in such a short amount of time. Her eyes gave away that fact, and still managed to be beautiful when she was at her most vulnerable. How was she holding herself together? How was she not cracking under all this pressure placed on her small shoulders? He felt a chill run over his shoulder where her hand was and he just couldn't take it anymore. She deserved at least a few hours of absolute ignorance, and Kaidan was willing to do anything to keep a smile on her face. If she wanted to talk, he would talk. If she just wanted to sit in the room with him, he'd be fine with that, too. Maybe he just wanted to be with her right now-

"Stay here with me tonight." she whispered, cutting through his thoughts. They both locked their eyes, and remained still and quiet. Both of his arms slowly snaked around her body when he thought about what she said, closing that tiny gap between their bodies. He already knew the answer.

"Are you sure about that?"

"I wouldn't have asked if I hadn't thought about it and been sure."

He saw her eyes flit down his face for a split second before they met his eyes again, and he smiled a little.

"Then I'll stay." he said, as though it were nothing. As though he weren't about to break every damn reg in a few minutes.

God, her lips were soft. That lump in his chest was gone, and now he could only feel the bliss of being relieved of that tension that had been building up between them for so long. Yet, all he could think about was how soft she was, and how much he wanted to make her happy. He took half a step back and she willingly followed. He continued to slowly walk back, allowing her to take her time following him until he was sure the bed was behind him. Then he gave pause, letting her decide what would happen next. She was the one to part their lips, and when he saw her eyes open he didn't regret a thing since walking in here. She was smiling again.

"You can sit down, if you want." she said, giving him a gentle, teasing push. He sat on the edge of the bed, some how expecting that she would sit beside him. And all he wanted was to have his body touching hers again. But she bent over, unlacing her boots, and he decided that he might as well do the same. Once their feet were free, he glanced over to her, noticing she seemed to be a little lost as to what she should do next.

It then occurred to Kaidan that maybe she wasn't _always_ the type to take charge, or know exactly what to do in every situation. He decided that experimenting on that couldn't hurt too much, and once she sat down beside him, facing him a bit, he leaned over as his hand grazed her spine to plant his lips on her neck to keep that momentum of the kiss. Her neck turned to the opposite shoulder and he swore he heard a small hum escape her. Little by little, he eased her onto her back, and moved his own body carefully so that she was laying flat beneath him.

To be safe, he returned his lips to hers in that time, glad to feel her arms wrapping around his frame, holding him as she returned the kiss, parting her lips a little bit this time. He couldn't care less about where they were or what they were doing right now. Kaidan was no longer with Commander Shepard in her quarters. Right now, he was with Catherine, and they were both enjoying each other's company in a room she slept in. He didn't want to mess this up with her now that he'd been given a chance with her. She deserved something to go right, for once. So for the next ten minutes he was content to ease her into this, give her time to change her mind if she didn't want this. He wouldn't mind just laying there and holding her hand, like the other night, if that's what she wanted.

Kaidan gave a gentle tug upwards on her uniform to untuck her shirt, pausing his kiss and pulling away just a few inches to look her in the eye for an answer. She let her hand graze over his shirt before giving an equal tug on it, just as she gently brought her face back towards his, the bridge of her nose brushing against his before their lips met again. She might not have been smiling anymore but the look in her eyes told him she wanted to forget all that pressure for a while. He kissed her jaw and wrapped one arm around her back, rolling first to his side, then his back before he sat up, letting her situate herself comfortably on his lap - straddling him and now taking charge in a more passionate kiss.

When his shirt was finally free from being tucked in so neatly, she didn't hesitate to throw both hands under his shirt against his warm skin, sliding them up his chest as she pulled up the shirt. Right then, he decided that he loved having her hands on his body, and that he'd do anything to make sure this happened again. He could only focus on one thing at a time right now, so he froze his movements except when she nudged him out of the shirt, tossing it aside. He could hear the cloth piling on itself as it hit the floor, and he could feel the cold of the room making his back feel tight for a moment. Her hands rested on his shoulders and she stood on her knees now, breaking the kiss to take off her own shirt, throwing it on top of his.

Kaidan felt like he should have been staring at her lack of a shirt, but the sudden weight made him topple backwards with a smirk. Catherine had pushed him down and she slowly bent down from kneeling over him to pin him beneath her. Kaidan caught her eyes and she smirked at him, eagerly moving back in and leaning heavily on her arms, barely allowing contact between their skin besides their lips. His mouth was starting to feel a little dry, but he quickly forgot that as he felt a rather welcome friction just below his belt. He tried to stifle the groan in his throat, but it made its way out, regardless of his efforts. All of a sudden he was starting to feel like he was a teenager again, and he had snuck Catherine into his room without his parents knowing. It wasn't a terrible feeling, just a feeling he hadn't really experienced for a long time. But he let himself get lost in it, aware that she'd pulled her lips away moments later.

When he came back to what was going on right now, she already had belt unbuckled and she was smirking a bit at him, her palms over her hips, but her hands disappearing beneath the pants she was wearing, ready to push them down fully. He cleared his throat, fighting the blush he could feel creeping on his face, realizing she'd probably been sitting like that for a few seconds. Kaidan propped himself up on his elbows as he looked over her a bit.

"Need some help with that?"

"Maybe... I was just curious to see how distracted you were." she smiled and put her hands on either side of his face. Now he was starting to feel light-headed from the lack of air, so he purposely tried not to put as much into this kiss as the others, slowly unbuckling his own belt and doing his best not to seem surprised when a second pair of hands joined his and were quick to pull his pants down to his knees.

This whole time, he'd been thinking about so many things. He needed to stop and just be in the moment, lest he zone out on her again. When she took a break to breathe, putting her mouth to his neck this time, he let out a few sighs of approval, effectively clearing his mind in the process. He sat upright again and managed to kick his pants off onto the floor. She was upright again, and he was unable to help himself to planting a few kisses just along the bottom of her bra, his hands finding her hips and pulling her closer as they slid beneath her pants to gently slide them off. She let out a hum of approval and once the material was past her knees, she carefully maneuvered to pull her legs out. Catherine was very steady as she lowered herself to sit once more, allowing him to leave a trail with his lips up to her jaw. He could faintly smell something other than the sterile ship, and it was just enough to pique his interest, though only briefly.

Kaidan had a pair of boxers on, but he felt like the room was getting uncomfortably hot. And with how smoothly everything was going, it would be just his luck if she suddenly told him she'd reached the limits of what she was willing to do. He prayed that he could have just one exception to his luck this one time. He pulled his mouth away so he could breathe, and he felt her shifting to the side. His arms wrapped around her tightly and he moved with her to lay on their sides. He felt small, cold fingers touch his side and then slide up his back as she pulled herself against him. They didn't kiss this time. She closed her eyes and caught her breath from all the kissing, letting it fall on his neck, shoulder, and parts of his chest. A small break, then.

"Kaidan..." he hardly recognized her voice, it was so soft.

"Hm?"

"I should have damned the regs sooner." she grinned, lightly brushing her fingers over his neck, over his implant. The shock made them both shiver, and she let her arm become a dead weight around him.

"I don't know... I think this way is better." he tilted his head to look at her as confusion spread across her face, mixed with a little amusement.

"How do you mean?"

"It's that whole 'forbidden fruit' idea, I think. We're already doing something we're not supposed to, so why not say to hell with all of it?" he smiled when she did and leaned over, yet again, to kiss her. He just could not seem to get enough of her.

It deepend quickly and the heat was back. Catherine's hands were on his face as she pushed him on his back. His hands ghosted over the backs of her legs, exploring her body slowly. Kaidan had yet to take the time to really appreciate her but the time would come.

"I feel like don't need to ask this... but I'm going to, anyway..." she said between kisses, pulling away for just a second to look him in the eye as one hand was flat against his chest, right over his pounding heart, "You'll still be at my side at the end of this, right?"

He smiled at her for asking such a stupid question, and then gripped her chin between his thumb and forefinger, making extra sure that he looked her in the eye.

"I'll be at your side no matter what happens. Never doubt that."

"Then I'm making you commit to that." she smirked as she gently hooked one finger under the elastic band of his boxers. He gave her one gentle kiss before removing her hand, perfectly capable of doing that himself. Leave it to Catherine to ruin such an intimate moment. She sat back and moved both hands behind her own back, letting the offending garment fall between them. Kaidan gave a little laugh at her but did as she silently asked him, no longer feeling nervous. They both crawled further onto the bed, and now that she had absolutely nothing on, he watching intently as she smiled back to him, creeping closer. Her muscles grew taut, and then gave as she did more of the literal crawling. If he hadn't felt his chest thumping, he might have thought this was all a dream. When she was close, he brought his hand to the back of her head, almost forcing her to bring her lips back to his. She paused and he used the opportunity to get off his back, rolling her over for what he hoped would be the last time tonight.

He looked in her eyes and saw the same look he'd seen earlier: fear. Catherine wasn't giving him that look because he was there; no, that look was because she'd suddenly remembered what was at stake here - what she could lose in an instant. They might not have been close enough to call any of this love, but there was definitely a bond that would never break, despite any of the universe's efforts. Her eyes became very glossy and he barely heard her whimper his name as she reached for him, burying her face in his neck just as he entered her. She let out a muffled moan and her nails dug into the skin on his back. For a few hours he could remind her it was okay to show her emotions around him. They could trust each other.

"Don't leave me." she whimpered softly. It was something he'd never heard before from her, and it brought a terrible pain to the forefront of his mind. His arms ran tighter around her.

"I'm not going anywhere."

He was going to stay with her through the night, and through the battle. Slowly, she was able to detach her face from his neck, though by now she was letting out soft moans with each thrust he gave into her. Beneath him, she was able to let the ball of stress completely unwind itself, and Kaidan could see just how long she had deprived herself from relaxing. She was able to look him in the eye, and she gave him a small smile before grabbing him by the neck to pull him down in another kiss, which only lasted a few seconds, due to their sudden need for air. Her hips slowly began rolling to meet each thrust, and he groaned softly each time she did meet him. In fact it was threatening to push him over the edge much sooner than he'd have liked. Catherine's nails were soon digging deeper into his back, causing him to groan louder.

"Kaidan-" Catherine started, her voice high and strained. She'd cut herself off by the sound of her own pleasure. He held her hip and lifted it a little, glad that she repeated the sound, throwing her head to the side with her eyes shut and her mouth hanging open for a split second. After that, she bit her lip, grabbing his hand and holding it very tight. He could tell that she was beginning to build to her climax when she began clawing at his back. He could feel her breaking the skin and it made him drive into her harder. Kaidan gave a low, muffled groan as his head fell onto her shoulder. He'd tried holding himself back for her, and she was so close. As he rode out his orgasm he gave a few sharper thrusts, glad that she went rigid, and melted completely just seconds later with a loud cry.

He kissed her neck, and when she all her limbs laid flat again, he rolled to her side, keeping his arms around her. She gave a soft hum and turned towards him, nestling her head into his chest. Eventually, she turned on to her side and brought her hand to rest on his cheek. He felt like he should say something to her, but all he could manage was taking her hand from his face, kissing her palm, and then giving her hand a gentle squeeze as he laid their hands between them. For a while, they both laid there in silence, eyes closed. He thought he might fall asleep, or that she would; suddenly, her voice cut through the silence, and his hand was empty.

"You'd better keep your word." Catherine's voice was soft and light. He felt the warmth of her hand on his chest, gently pushing him onto his back. Cracking his eyes, he saw she was sitting up a little. Taking the opportunity to hold her, he gently grabbed her by the waist and pulled her to lay on top of him.

"I don't make promises I know I can't keep." He smiled when she hummed again in approval. Before she nestled around him, she grabbed the blanket that had been kicked to the side from the start, pulling it over herself, and then smoothing it to cover him as well. She'd settled against his side, throwing one leg over him while her cheek laid warmly against his chest, the rest of her head comfortable in the crook of his arm which held her where she was. Catherine's arm stretched across his body, letting her hand curl back to hug him loosely. Kaidan comfortably buried his nose into her hair, kissing the top of her head as she quickly fell asleep. The warmth made him drowsy, and it took him a little longer to let himself fall asleep. But when he did, he heard a faint murmur coming from Catherine that sounded like his name.

He decided he liked this.


	10. The Long Way Home

_Author's Note: I'd like to thank _**ChaseingTheWind**_ and_ ** zulija **for_ following and favoriting this story. I also apologize if this chapter seems rushed but I've been dealing with a bit of writer's block. The only way I could seem to get around it was skipping through most of the battle scenes. Sorry about the shortness of the chapter as well._

_If you have anything you'd like to see in the next couple of chapters (or any chapter for that matter), I am open to suggestions. And by that I mean please give me an idea. All the ones I have are... boring._

* * *

Kaidan woke up what he thought was too early in the morning, and without even needing to move he knew that Catherine wasn't in the room. Should he have been shocked at himself for actually no caring about the consequences of last night? He couldn't find it in himself to feel anything but happy at the moment. Bringing his hand up to his face, he rubbed the sleep off, opening his eyes and sitting up half way to get a better look around.

The covers had been thrown back where she had previously been laying beside him, but other than that there wasn't much else to look in the room that had changed. He leaned against the wall and glanced over to the clock, seeing that he'd have to be up in an hour, anyway. He wondered where Catherine had gone to, but Kaidan wasn't so sure he wanted to go looking for her right now. He felt a small ache at the back of his neck, and he brought his hand up to rub at it, glad that it was easing the ache he felt. When he was about to go pick up his lonely clothes off the floor, he heard the door open. He hardly worried about who it would be, but when he saw the cup of coffee he smiled at her.

"Glad to see you're up." she hummed, setting both cups down on the table next to the bed, and then sitting down herself. She was wearing shorts and an old t-shirt from boot camp, looking hardly anything like her usual self. But the dark circles under her eyes were hardly noticeable, now, making her look much younger. So when she sat down, Kaidan reached around her waist, pulling her so that her back was against his chest. She gave a tiny yelp of surprise when he started pulling, but she melted into giggles as she nested against his chest, sitting between his legs. "Did you sleep alright?" she looked up and over her shoulder at him.

"I slept really good..." he smiled and kept his arms around her tightly, making it a little hard for her to move. "How long have you been up?"

"About ten minutes, more or less." She yawned, "I felt like I couldn't sleep anymore."

He nodded, and reached over to hand her one of the cups when she asked, taking the other for himself. They were quiet, and he rested his chin on her shoulder as his mind wandered.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course." he snapped his attention back to her, looking down and noticing that her cup was nearly empty. He'd only taken one sip from his own cup.

"I know that... You might not think about this the same way I do. But last night I put a lot of trust in you, and I really hope that it won't go to waste. I just want to know what you'd do if, somehow, the brass found out about last night?" she kept her head down the whole time she spoke. He had to think for just a moment.

"If they didn't want me serving under you anymore, then fine. But I hope that wouldn't keep you away from me forever. You did promise me some shore leave with you, if I remember correctly."

"I did, didn't I?" she smiled and her head lifted, sighing happily with a nod. "I just needed that peace of mind, thank you."

"Any time." He gently kissed her cheek, and replaced her cup with his. "You need it more than I do."

"And you should probably shower and get out of here unless you want the whole ship knowing you took breaking the regs very seriously." Catherine smirked, shifting herself so that he could get up. He shook his head at her words. "You can use mine, if you want. I brought you some fresh clothes."

"You just think of everything." he smiled as he sat on the edge of the bed. She beamed back at him as he walked over to her small bathroom to shower.

* * *

"Who votes we take the Mako into the creepy underground bunker?" Kaidan asked, trying to lighten the mood a little after he, Shepard, and Wrex battled at least a hundred, if not more, geth. And they were just getting started. As they all climbed into the Mako, they started down the long series of tunnels, ignoring practically all the geth they encountered, trying to push through to catch up to Saren. Kaidan didn't like getting thrown around in the Mako, but for now he could deal with it. He figured it only seemed especially bad now because he was so tense.

They were heading down a long corridor that seemed like it would last forever. The buildings on either side were overgrown completely by strange looking plants that resembled both trees and ivy. It would have been beautiful if there hadn't been a time crunch. Of course at that moment, a barricade had been set up. Catherine stopped the Mako, and the three climbed out. Almost instantly, Catherine seemed to know where to go. Kaidan followed, though he wasn't too sure of what she was doing, looking to Wrex who seemed to be just as wary.

"Just trust me." she said, activating the elevator. She looked unsure of herself, but there wasn't much else he could think of to remedy the situation.

She'd been right, and Kaidan was amazed to see what they had discovered. It was an actual Prothean VI, and it had set up the barricade. For a good reason, as well. The conversation seemed to last for hours, but a glance at his omni-tool as they turned away revealed it had only been a few minutes. To think that the Citadel was a gateway for the Reapers all along... It explained so much. Unfortunately Kaidan had been so caught up in his thought that he barely saw where they were going until he felt the Mako halt violently.

Then Kaidan saw the blinding light from the Conduit. He was actually so surprised to see it that he couldn't form any words. Then his head slammed back against the seat as Catherine floored it.

"A little warning next time?" Wrex growled.

"Sorry, but we gotta go!" Catherine snapped back. Wrex grumbled something but was otherwise silent as they dodged more geth, trying to reach the Conduit before it closed. When they were close enough, the Mako shot up into the air, and the familiar feeling of FTL washed over him. They had no idea where they would be coming out. But wherever it was, Saren would also be there.

* * *

It had been nearly two hours since they'd left the elevator on the Citadel, and they were just now reaching the access panel to get back inside. Wrex went first, and then Kaidan had to practically push Catherine in as some of the geth came rushing towards them. He got nicked in the arm and as he fell in, Catherine saw it, clearly worried and furious at him. He stood up just fine and motioned for her to lead the way. Catherine glared before turning, punching some nasty holes into some of the geth with her own biotics. She'd been saving them until she saw Saren, and it was clear that they were minutes away from seeing him for the last time.

Kaidan saw the grenade before she did, and he pushed her towards Wrex, diving the other way for cover. She rolled with a grunt, but was upright before he was. And, as always, there was dialogue between them. He wondered to himself if Saren just liked hearing the sound of his voice, but as he listened to the words... it sounded like Saren was beginning to see his errors. This couldn't be happening.

In the blink of an eye, he saw Saren bring a gun up to his head. Then he was falling. Catherine saved the Council. Wrex placed another shot in Saren's head. Saren morphed into... Something resembling a husk. Saren disintegrated. The three were heading back to the elevator. And then Catherine was yelling at them to run, leaving her behind.

He made a mistake following orders. Why did he have to be such a good soldier? Why couldn't he see that there was no way she was going to make it and go back for her? Kaidan sat there with an injured arm and leg, shaking his head as he held back tears. Wrex sat with him, and while Kaidan expected some sort of insult to come from the beast, he said nothing, looking at the very least, sad. Anderson showed up not three hours later, both still sitting there pathetically. Though with all the bits of Sovereign sitting around, they weren't getting anywhere on their own.

"Come on, it's alright." Anderson said, helping him up. They started to walk away when Kaidan thought he heard distant footsteps. He furrowed his brow, and against his better judgement, stopped to turn around. "What is it?"

"I think I hear footsteps..." he said quietly, scanning the massive chamber for any movement.

"You do hear footsteps." Wrex said, actually sounding happy for once.

His eyes fixed on the largest piece that had fallen from Sovereign, and even in the blinding light, he could make out a distinct figure. He grinned and stole a glance at Anderson, who made the slightest motion in her direction. Injured leg or not, he ran towards her as she limped. He opened his arms towards her and met her with a clashing of armor as they embraced. Her body was heavy against his, and much to his surprise, he heard Wrex behind him mumbling something about humans being soft. Catherine parted from Kaidan, and grinned at Wrex. Both were surprised that he returned the hug, and then offered to carry her upon seeing her injured leg. Though Wrex started laughing as he threw her over his shoulder.

"Careful, big guy. Words gets out you're being nice to me and people might start to wonder if the king of the Krogan is actually king." Catherine laughed as they headed back towards the original destination. Kaidan walked behind Wrex so he could talk to Catherine easier.

"Between you two, I'll be lucky if I'm even thought about when the media finds out about all this." Wrex smirked. Kaidan didn't like the sound of that, but... It was true. They'd be famous after this stunt, and he didn't know if he was ready for that - if he was ready to be watched every second of the day.

"Kaidan, if you can't stop analyzing this, I can give you something else to think about." Catherine cut through his thoughts.

"What?" he looked up at her, to find her grinning. She stretched down so that she was eye-level with him, and her voice lowered as well.

"Two weeks. Wherever you want me."

"I can still hear you." Wrex said.

"Then you're not to say a word."

"Says who?"

"Says half my next paycheck." she said, leaning back up so she could get a better look at him over her shoulder.

"Get me some new armor and then we'll talk."

"Whatever you want, _sweetie_." Catherine smirked, making a show of her sudden generosity by kissing the Krogan's cheek. Kaidan couldn't help but chuckle when Wrex threatened to drop her if she did that again. She kept teasing him the whole rest of the way, but it was clear that everything was in good humor.

And all Kaidan could think about was where he could manage to sneak his new prize away for two weeks without the media following them.


	11. The Interview

_Author's Note: Just want to give a quick thank you to _**Ms Sticha** _for the note. I apologize if you read the last chapter and were confused because Shepard's name suddenly changed. That's what happens when I try writing seven different fanfics with different names for each Shepard. Regardless, this chapter was surprisingly easy to write. I hope I hear back from more of you with your ideas for future chapters. Because seriously, I want to know what you want to see. Enjoy!_

* * *

Things were starting to settle down, finally. It had been a full month since the event but Catherine had been busy nearly every day of it. For the first day and a half, she'd been in the hospital for her injuries, which were minor thankfully. But the cast on her arm was starting to bother her so much so was almost ready to ask Chakwas if it was really necessary. At least she could still move her arm, for the most part. She couldn't lift anything heavier than a plate of food, but Catherine could live with that.

Oh, but then there were the meetings. Several with the Council, even more with the Alliance Brass, countless requests for interviews. She only did two interviews; the first was a typical mass media interview where she stood on a stage and allowed people to ask questions. The second had been more intimate, seeing as it was a request for the entire crew of the Normandy to sit down. Catherine had been about to decline, but then she saw it was Emily Wong. That changed her mind, fast - Emily had always done Catherine right. Never, had she felt pressured to answer anything, and everything was aired exactly how it was recorded, no unflattering shots, silence was welcomed, and Emily always respected whom she was speaking to. Catherine gave a full list of those who wished to attend the interview, glad that Emily was happy she was getting one at all.

She jumped when she felt warm hands on her shoulders.

"You're up late." he said quietly. She glanced to the clock at her desk. It wasn't even three in the morning, what was he- oh. She sighed with a smile. Rather conveniently, Kaidan's apartment had been trashed during the fight, and was undergoing some remodeling. It would only be a short time, but she was already getting used to having him around. At least when she wasn't up late like this. Catherine still forgot that she didn't have to be up this late doing things. For a few weeks she could be normal and go to sleep before midnight.

"This is what I do before interviews, Kaidan. I want to know what I'm getting myself into." she leaned back, into his hands and body. She knew he was looking at the screen before her, and she didn't care - it wasn't personal or anything.

"How come you got the list of questions and the rest of us didn't?" he grinned, squeezing her shoulders.

"Preferential treatment." she beamed up at him, "And I asked nicely."

"I can see that." he managed a chuckle and she took one of his hands as she let him read over what was there. "Wait, 'Commander, I understand you had to make several difficult decisions, more specifically you had to choose one of your own crew to leave behind on Virmire. How do you feel about that?'" Kaidan's face was twisted and she closed her eyes. It still hurt both of them. It was only what, three weeks ago that she'd chosen to leave Ashley behind?

"I don't like it either, Kaidan. I was going to ask if she could maybe find a way to phrase it differently. But... I feel like people need to know what happened. Especially her family." Catherine lowered her voice considerably, just as her gaze did the same. She felt the chair pull back from the desk and suddenly Kaidan was at her side, leaning over to put his arms around her, scooping her up. Her face was right beside his, and as he looked at her, she sighed, nestling into his shoulder. They needed to forget about it for now.

"Come on, you still need sleep." he said quietly, turning around to carry her back to bed. She could get used to this.

She was set down with care on her bed, and she was about to complain when she felt a warm body pressing against her back, accompanied by the blanket being pulled up and an arm resting comfortably heavy around her waist. She could feel his nose against the back of her skull and Catherine smiled again, taking his hand. After tomorrow's interview, they would be free for two weeks, just like she'd promised him. A few minutes later, she felt drowsy, and had no issues snuggling closer to Kaidan as she fell asleep.

Unfortunately, her dreams were plagued by reliving what she had done to Ashley. She woke up screaming and crying, with a firm pressure on her shoulder that changed and became a warm hand on her face. She could barely make out his face in the dark, but her arms seemed to know where his body was and she buried her face in his chest, sobbing quietly. Even if he hadn't been here, she would have been able to calm herself down. But there was just something satisfying about being able to cry on a shoulder, or in this case into someone's chest, and not caring that she had a reputation. He'd already seen her for more than that. It was nearly time for her to get up, anyway, but Kaidan insisted she go back to sleep for another hour or two, not letting go. She needed that sense of security he was giving her right now. Everything would be fine.

* * *

"Commander Shepard, thank you so much for agreeing to this interview." Emily Wong smiled, holding a hand out to greet her. At the moment, Catherine was letting someone do her makeup for the interview, sitting alongside some of the others.

"It's no trouble, Emily. I know I can always count on you to be straightforward with me." she smiled, closing her eyes as she was asked by the asari.

"I saw your message this morning. If you'd rather not talk about that issue, I understand."

"No, it's fine. It's just... Hard to talk about. But I can do it."

"I just wanted to make sure. And you know that you don't have to answer anything you don't want to. Same goes for everyone."

"I'll be sure to let them know."

"Alright then. I'm ready when you are." Emily said cheerfully, walking away. Catherine sighed heavily, and opened her eyes. The asari smiled at her.

"You're not the first one I've seen get worked up like this. Can I give you some advice?" she sounded something like her mother.

"Sure."

"This woman's family will understand. It might not seem that way, but if you give it time, they will." She'd closed up her kit, fluffing her hair one last time.

"Thank you." she said, smiling a little. It did make her feel better, and she knew it was the truth.

She stood up and went to check on everyone else. Joker, Garrus, and Wrex were sitting near one another in their designated seats, all chatting. Liara was almost ready, and Tali sat nervously on the end of the group. Kaidan was nowhere to be found, but she assumed he would show up. There was one empty chair to the left of Catherine's, spare for the image set in the seat of Ashley, provided by her family. It was a flattering picture, showing the Gunnery Chief in uniform, smiling and saluting. Tenderly, she brushed her finger over the arm of the chair, and the chatter beside her stopped, as they all looked to her. She wanted to cry, but now wasn't the time. She glanced over and Joker actually motioned for her to come over, so she did.

"What's up?"

"Just wanted to let you know we aren't going to judge you if you do get a little emotional. We all miss her." he said, shrugging.

"You'd better not judge me, or I'm kicking your ass." she smiled, glad to see her comment earned an honest chuckle from the two aliens.

She turned to sit in her seat - dead center. Her crew surrounded her one by one, and Kaidan arrived from somewhere, taking his seat behind her. It felt weird not having someone sit to her left, but to her right was Jeff. To his right was Liara, making up the first row. Behind Liara was Garrus, to his left Wrex, then Kaidan, and Tali. About six feet in front of the group was a single chair, which Emily took a few minutes later.

"So, before we start actually filming, I just want to remind everyone that I understand if there are some touchy subjects, and you don't want to answer. I'm just here to ask the questions that everyone has one their minds. The plan is to go through the typical boring questions I've planned out, and then, if you're willing, I have a few questions from viewers for each of you." Emily smiled, "Oh, before I begin, I just want to make sure I have everyone's name correctly."

She went through and properly introduced herself, before settling in. The lights shifted and the camera's light turned on, indicating that the interview was beginning. It was easy enough for Catherine, as she'd only done this a million times, actually making a joke about it that got everyone laughing.

"It's clear to me that you've formed quite a bond with your crew members, Shepard. How is it that you managed to get a Turian and a Krogan to sit side by side?" Emily asked, grinning in disbelief. Catherine looked over her shoulder, and stared at the two for a minute.

"Huh." she turned back around and shrugged, "Either they've realized that what happened centuries ago doesn't always have to determine the way things are today, or they're too afraid of me throwing them out of an airlock to even think about it." she grinned.

"I'm not afraid of you." Wrex chuckled dangerously.

"Alright, maybe they aren't afraid." she gave in.

"I do respect you." he said again, more serious.

"Well we all respect her a great deal, and trust her. I mean look at what she's accomplished besides getting everyone to work together." Joker started. Catherine resisted the urge to roll her eyes at him taking the chance to be in the spotlight, but he had a point. She knew they all respected her, and in turn she respected them in different ways. She was surprised at Jeff, however. "I'm not even talking about all of her achievements before she became a Spectre. There is a reason that the Council chose her, and it's because she doesn't just take command and run off with it. No. She's taken the time to get to know each of us personally, outside our duty. Some might say that's borderline fraternization, but I think everyone commanding a team should get to know who's backing them. After all, if you can't respect a person's background, how are you supposed to be able to trust them at your back?" She felt a smile tug at her lips. Not just because of what he was saying but because he'd said a certain word that Catherine found hilarious, knowing that Kaidan was shifting in his seat behind her. Was he still worried about that?

"That is unusual for most commanders. But then again, this mission was hardly average, wasn't it?"

"I can't say I've ever chased after someone across the galaxy before. It was definitely eye-opening."

"How so?"

"When you hear about the Spectres, you hear about how they are, essentially above the law. Saren was an example of how that power could be abused, but I've told my crew that just because you have the power, doesn't mean you should take full advantage of it. Sometimes I've had the need to exercise it, but more often than not I've found that using my basic training and social skills, I've been able to accomplish so much more with an easier time of it. Spectres aren't above the law, they merely try to uphold it."

"Let's talk about your mission, for a moment."

"My goal was to capture Saren and bring him in to answer for his crimes. Of those crimes, the destruction of Eden Prime is among them."

"If I'm not mistaken, that is where your mentor Nihlus died."

"Yes." she paused a moment, and sighed, "I didn't get the chance to talk to Nihlus, much. But he left a very lasting impression on me, of what a Spectre should do, in any given situation."

"And what's that?"

"Never forget who you are. Before the mission started, he asked me what I knew about Eden Prime. Admittedly, I didn't know much more than what's advertised. He knew that and thanked me for my honesty with him, saying that it was good that I didn't pretend that I was more than I am."

"Of course, to everyone, you seem larger than life, now." Emily commented, "If you don't mind, I would like to bring attention to the chair to your left."

Catherine nodded, bracing herself for what was coming.

"I understand that you met Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams on Eden Prime. And in an unfortunate circumstance, you were caught in a situation where you had to choose between two of your crew to save." Catherine nodded solemnly, lowering her gaze a bit, "I'd like to hear from you what happened."

The silence was a little deafening, but she was sorting through her thoughts. She'd been polite, and rephrased the question into a request of an account of the event. She looked up after another breath.

"I was on an investigation on Virmire, and through means which I cannot discuss, it was discovered that Saren's base of operations was there. I had to send a member of my crew to lead another group, and I believed that Kaidan was more than capable enough. I still think I made the right choice in sending him with those men. As you said, that got me into the unfortunate situation. We had decided that the only way to properly gain control of the situation was to destroy the facility. Ashley was in charge of the bomb, and as I was about to get to the rendezvous point, I... had to choose." she paused, feeling the emotions bubble up. She lowered her head and brought her hand up to cover her face as she started to cry. She felt a three-fingered hand on her shoulder, from Tali, and then another from Jeff. They all comforted her until she was able to speak again. "There are several reasons why I didn't go back for her. I would have had to wait for an elevator, which was just too much time to lose. There were also geth swarming the area, it would have been near suicide to try and fight them off to not only get to her, but to clear a landing zone for the Normandy." She paused again, shaking her head as tears started flowing again. Catherine didn't hide them this time. "I never wanted to leave her behind. She was... A good friend to me in the short time we got to know each other. She was a spirited fighter, and she was the person who I could go to when I needed a shoulder. I don't have much family left, and to me, my crew are my family. So for me, I did lose a family member that day."

Everyone was silent for a long time. Emily cleared her throat.

"I think we'll take a break, and come back when you're ready." she nodded, already standing and giving the whole crew some space. She had neglected to shut off the cameras, however.

Kaidan had stood up and nearly jumped over the chair to rush and put Catherine back in his arms. Everyone looked quite surprised at the action but no one spoke up, just letting it be. Catherine put her arms around him as well, shaking like she had earlier that morning. It was about seven minutes before she managed to lift her face, wiping her eyes.

"Are you gonna be okay?" Kaidan asked quietly, looking down at her. She nodded silently and he stepped back, letting her go to get her makeup redone. She appreciated that he'd stepped up like that. And her face turned red when she realized that Emily had that recorded. The whole seven minutes. She cleared her throat, casually motioning for the journalist to come talk with her.

"Is everything alright?" she asked, looking genuinely concerned.

"I'm alright. Thank you for letting me take a break. Um..." she lowered her voice after swallowing. "The cameras are still on. I would just... really appreciate it if-"

"Oh my god." Emily's hands covered her mouth before quickly looking to her omni-tool. "I am so sorry. Don't worry. That will be cut out and deleted. No one is going to see it."

"Thank you." Catherine nodded with a smile. "That's why I let you interview me. You look out for me."

"If it keeps you coming back, Shepard." she sighed, smiling. "We'll pick up when you're ready."


	12. Vacation

_Author's Note: I'd like to thank _**Kirsah**_ and_ **KerryResidentOfEarth**_ for the follow, and _**darkerego** _for the favorite to the story. I apologize for the long delay, but I've been very busy with school again. Also I did celebrate my birthday, so I got absolutely no work done that day. I've had a few requests sent in by anonymous readers for the shore leave between the first and second games. I apologize for how crappy and short this chapter is, but I had to get something out. I may come back and revise it. Enjoy!_

* * *

After the interview, Catherine looked much more relaxed to Kaidan. He'd gotten a couple messages from Joker, teasing him about his sudden outburst, claiming that he'd known all along that she and the lieutenant were an item. For the most part, Kaidan wasn't bothered by it. Mostly because Catherine got the messages too, and she laughed, threatening to make all of his extranet bookmarks public knowledge. That had shut him up pretty fast, and now they were left completely alone.

"Alright. Now that we are officially free from business, where are we going?" she turned to face him once they were alone in the apartment, standing near the small couch.

"What do you mean where?" he looked over curiously, hanging up his coat beside hers.

"I'm _not_ staying on the Citadel when I have a vacation." she smirked, walking over and putting her hands on his chest as her voice lowered. "Besides, are you complaining that I'm letting you take charge?"

"You know I've taken charge before." he lowered his voice as well, grinning as he put his hands on her waist. She met his gaze, and suddenly the room was too hot for his liking. He took a step forward, forcing her to take a step back. And then he took another, and another, until she was backed against the wall. When she bumped into it, she let out a small gasp of surprise before she regarded him with half-lidded eyes and a devilish grin.

"So that's how it's going to be, hm?"

"You've relinquished your command to me, I believe." he growled in her ear as he kissed her neck. He could feel her shudder beneath him and before she got the chance to push him back, he snaked his hands up her sides and arms, snatching her wrists. In one fluid motion he was able to hold both wrists in one hand, pushing them above her head as he caught her mouth with his own. He never really got rough in intimate situations, but this had been a little more playful to start with. He assumed he was granted some leeway, and she wasn't exactly complaining.

At least so long as he wasn't just imagining feeling the pressure of her body against his. He let go of one of her wrists when she started tugging, and he felt her hand against the back of his neck, snaking up into his hair. Catherine pulled her lips from his, and gave him a firm look in the eyes, sighing softly.

"I'm going to be a little cruel, and make you wait until we're far away from here." she said, voice quiet and clearly wanting. At least there was a promise of something.

He silently accepted, but refused to let her go so easily. More tenderly this time, he pressed his lips against hers, and let one arm press her body against his. She eagerly pressed her hand that was buried in hair against his skull, just as her free arm slid between their bodies up his chest. Waiting was going to be a little difficult, for him.

* * *

Kaidan had to nudge Catherine awake after the shuttle ride. They travelled a good 15 hours from the Citadel to Earth, and she'd been so excited to go on this trip that she'd worn herself out nearly before they got to the shuttle. Both had gotten plenty of sleep, and it was still morning when they arrived in Los Angeles. He personally hadn't wanted to have to go through the city, but it was the only option for the available time. To his relief, they wouldn't be staying in the city, but rather far away from it.

"Good thing I'm paying for half of this trip, hm?" Catherine smirked as they retrieved their bags, and the key to their rental car.

"Not like I couldn't have covered it. But if that were the case, we probably wouldn't be staying in as nice a place as we are." he smiled.

"Yeah. Still, I'm sure I'd have enjoyed the trip all the same." she gave him a soft nudge and when they got to the rental, they put their bags in, and fought for two seconds over who would be driving.

"You know what, if you want to crash the car, go for it. You're the one paying." Kaidan gave up, smirking when he saw that she was mocking offense.

"You're just saying that because you've never seen me drive an actual vehicle. You know the Alliance has shitty vehicles, it's not just my driving skills, or lack thereof."

"I'll believe it when I see it." He smiled, already sitting in the passenger seat. She scowled for a minute before her face cracked into a grin, and she laughed with him, starting the car and driving off. She wasn't really a bad driver, he knew that. The problem more than half the time was the terrain, and things attacking her. And that wasn't going to happen, because they were vacationing without giving any notice to anyone. They'd disappeared overnight.

So, about two hours later, they were in Santa Barbra, throwing everything on the floor of the hotel room and heading out to the balcony to enjoy the sun - real sun. He could see the look of pure happiness on Catherine's face as she sighed with her eyes closed. He didn't say anything, but he did reach over to take her hand. Her response was to lean against him, putting her head on his shoulder. He liked the way it felt, and hoped this wouldn't be the last time they got to stand like this.

Things were quiet that morning, and after they had moved back into the cool room, they looked around on the extranet at some of the things they could do. Catherine was standing behind Kaidan as he sat in one of the two chairs in the room, browsing through his omni-tool. He noticed that about twenty minutes in to their search for something to do, she leaned forward more. He could see how tired she was, and he closed his omni-tool suddenly, turning to face her. She scowled.

"What?"

"We're here for a while. We don't have to do something today, we just got here. Besides, you look like you could use a little more rest." He took her hand gently as she rested it on the back of the chair.

"You just want me in bed." she narrowed her eyes, smirking.

"There's that, too." he grinned, not about to deny that it had been another reason. He'd been waiting for a chance to have her again, after all. Very patiently.

"Alright." she sighed, and leaned over to kiss the top of his head. "But we're going out somewhere for dinner." she said, practically throwing herself face-first onto the bed.

"What about lunch?" he dared to ask as he stood.

"We can skip lunch." she said with a grin as her head popped up. She crawled up to where the pillows were, and then patted the space next to her. Kaidan took her request and laid on his stomach next to her, head turned so that he could look at her.

Catherine's eyes were closed, and her face was more relaxed than he'd ever seen her before. There was a strand of hair crossing her face, and he took the liberty of moving it aside, brushing his thumb over her cheekbone. She gave a soft hum as her lips curled into a smile, and her hand reached up to be placed on top of his. Her eyes opened and Kaidan couldn't help but smile back at her. He could get lost in her eyes and not care what happened as a result. Things would probably fall apart without her taking care of things, though. But he had no doubts that she'd want him to be at her side through anything.

She took her hand away, but instead she propped herself up, leaning over to give him a rather firm kiss. The kind of kiss that neither really let go of for the next hour, and what really felt like the next couple of days.

They'd gone out to the beach, done all the typical touring, and even made a trip to the zoo. But at the end of each day, the two ended up in the same exact spot, regardless of how tired they felt. Kaidan lay on his back, while Catherine pressed herself beside him on her stomach, one half of her body covering him while her arm was thrown lazily across the rest of his body, and her head was tucked neatly into his neck while his arm curled around her back to hold her where she was. It was comfortable, and they didn't need anything more.

Their vacation wasn't long enough, for him.

"Wish we could stay another day or two." he said as they lay in bed, procrastinating on leaving the hotel, and getting back to the Citadel. He could feel her finger tracing lazy circles across his chest as her cheek pressed hot against his shoulder.

"I know." she sighed, and lifted her head with a smile to look at him. "Next time we'll pick somewhere with more to do, and we'll take more time."

"I like the sound of that." he grinned, pulling her flush against him for just a little longer before they had to go. He needed her warmth to remember it when he had to go back to sleeping without it again.


	13. Changes

_Author's Note: Thank you to _**Heraldcmdr**_ for the follow and favorite! I apologize for not being very prompt about updating. I'm in my last few weeks of school before summer break, so please bear with me._

* * *

Catherine didn't know who was more upset when they returned to the Citadel: Kaidan or herself. They were both wearing neutral faces as they made their way back towards the Alliance housing. The only words that were spoken were to clarify which way they were going, but conversation seemed to be near impossible today.

She didn't want to say it outloud, but she felt like they were rushing into things a little bit. To her, it seemed like this was just because she hadn't really ever had someone's affection before - she'd never experienced a relationship that could actually last, and so she'd gotten used to the fast pace and letting things die off a week or two later. At the very least, she'd been leading Kaidan on for a few months, now. She was starting to feel conflicted because she didn't know how to keep a relationship going, and she didn't want Kaidan to leave her because she was too scared.

She was laughing at herself internally. She was _scared_ of something so simple.

Her thoughts snapped back when she felt a warm weight on her shoulder.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." she shook her head. "Just zoned out."

He nodded and she was comforted by the fact that he left his arm around her shoulders as they walked. It was so casual that it was hardly worth thinking that there was anything going on. But Catherine was still comforted because she knew what he was really trying to do. When they reached her apartment door, his arm dropped, and they both walked in, since some of his things were still inside.

"Are you heading back?" she looked up as she saw him walking towards the bedroom.

"It's probably for the best." he said. She saw his shoulders drop at the same time his voice did. She glanced at the door, almost making sure it had actually shut before walking over. She threw her arms around him just as he threw his around her.

"Promise you'll kidnap me on shore leave?" she murmured, eyes squeezed shut as her chest became increasingly caged, and tight.

"Only if you don't beat me to it." he kissed her cheek and it left a cold burn on her skin. This was going to be one of the most difficult things she'd ever done in her life, outside of her military career. But she was determined to keep this part of her life for the rest of it.

* * *

"Heard you and Kaidan went off the map for a couple weeks." Joker smirked as they watched the cargo being loaded back onto the Normandy. Catherine shook her head with a smile, nursing her cup of coffee.

"Don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh come on. You think I don't know _something_ happened before we blew up Sovereign? Not to mention it's written all over your face."

"Is not!" she snapped her head over, both keeping their voices low. If there was one thing she'd learned to appreciate about her pilot, it was that he was very good with this personal talk.

"Never seen you smile as much as you have been. And you've got that glow... I'm telling you."

"Fine."

"Fine, what?"

"We went on a little vacation. But it was shore leave."

"Uh-huh. And what did you do? Play tourist?"

"...Mostly." she said, trying hard to hide her smile behind both her lips and her cup.

"It's about damn time. Jesus, you could cut metal with all that sexual tension between you two."

"Thank you, Jeff, for your input on my sex life." she inhaled, shaking her head in defeat.

"Just don't keep him waiting too long next time. That'd be like kicking a puppy." the man said as he pushed himself off the crate, and hobbled back to the elevator.

"I'm not above kicking cripples." she called out as a playful warning.

Catherine rolled her eyes, and kept watch over the men moving the crates, instructing them on places where it was appropriate to leave them. Some of the crew was already back while others were still trickling in. She'd been upset to see that her alien friends weren't coming back. Liara had important work to do concerning her newly learned intelligence on the Reapers, Tali had gone back to the Flotilla, ending her pilgrimage, Garrus went to train to be a Spectre against his father's wishes, and Wrex had gone back to Tuchanka, determined to do something about the krogan. She was glad to see that they were all prospering, at the least, but she would miss them.

"I was starting to wonder if you'd been reassigned at the last minute." she smiled when Kaidan walked into the cargo bay, bags slung over his shoulder.

"After all the work I've put in? They'd give me my choice of which ship I'd want to serve on, you think I'd want to leave the Normandy?" he smiled. Catherine turned to follow him up, her cup empty, and the cargo finished loading. They would be leaving in two hours, and most of the crew was getting settled in again.

"I don't know, Joker's still here." she smiled.

"That's true." he nodded, sighing. The elevator doors closed.

"He's already figured it all out, by the way. Just so you're not shocked if he happens to ask for details. Which, by the way, if he does, I give you permission to say whatever the hell you please." she smirked.

"Why a I not surprised..." he sighed, heavily. The doors opened a moment later. "At least he knows how to keep secrets." they stepped off the elevator.

"That's true. I'll see you at dinner." she smiled, turning to go up the stairs, letting him make his way to the bunks. She thought she'd go speak with some of the others who had come back, make sure that they were ready.

Each time she even thought about it, she had to roll her eyes. She was being sent out to hunt down the _geth_? They weren't the real threat. She knew it, her crew knew it, the Council knew it... anyone who had power to actually do something knew, but chose to ignore it. She knew why. If the public knew, there would be anarchy, and everything would crumble within a week. There wouldn't be a galaxy left to save. So in that regard, she understood. By why send _her_ after _geth_? It didn't make sense.

"Hey, Commander." Adams smiled, on his way to engineering.

"Morning, Adams. How are you?" she paused.

"I'm doing great. Wish Tali were here, though. I think she knows more about these engines than I do, by now. She was a bright young woman."

"I know, I'm going to miss her too. She had great stories." Catherine sighed. "I'm sure we'll manage just fine without her."

"I hope so. In any case, it's good to be back."

"Carry on." she nodded, heading up to the bridge where Joker and Chakwas were.

She snickered as she approached.

"Ow, careful!"

"That barely hurt you, you big baby." Chakwas laughed. It looked like it was time for his medication. Joker grumbled, and looked over his shoulder.

"Need something?"

"Just came to see how everything's coming along." she smiled, taking a seat beside him. "How was your leave, Chakwas?"

"Very boring." she replied, putting away her small kit. "At least compared to what we've been through."

"Glad to know you came back for the entertainment." she smirked.

"No other ship I've served on has had such a lively crew." Chakwas said, standing up. "When you have the time, I'd like to look over some of your stitches, and make sure they're healing properly. Can't have you shooting down geth with an infection."

"I'll stop by after we've left the Citadel and made a couple of rounds." she nodded, watching her walk off before turning back to Joker as he began working on the screens before him. "Hey..."

"I've kept my mouth shut, I'm going to tell you that right now." he replied, looking her in the eye with one of the most serious expressions she'd seen him wear.

"Alright... I wasn't concerned about that-"

"The whole crew knows." he said a little quieter. It was a good thing the mug was empty because it clattered against the metal floor just moments later.

"Fuck." she buried her face in her hands, groaning.

"Hey. No one's said a thing to anyone that could get you in trouble."

"How do you know?"

"You both wouldn't be here, otherwise. Not to mention everyone trusts you enough to realize that it doesn't really matter." she heard him stop typing and looked up to see that he was turned towards her. "It's only going to be a problem if you sit here and make it look like there isn't anything going on."

"You think so?"

"Yeah." he turned to sit forward again. "You should probably go talk to him before we leave. Give him a way out, at the very least."

"I don't think he'd leave."

"It's up to you. I just think it'd be better he hears it from you and not me."

"Thanks." she said, with more meaning than last time.

* * *

She could tell he was starting to panic, and before it got too bad, she put her hand on his arm. They were in her cabin, having a few drinks after dinner. Unfortunately she hadn't left him a way out, but he instincts had been right.

"I'm not leaving." was his reply once he caught his breath. She'd asked if that's what he wanted to do, and she felt relieved that she'd been right about predicting his response. "I guess... I'm a little relieved."

"Really?" she chuckled and let her hand drop back into her lap.

"Yeah. I guess we don't necessarily have to hide, now. Not that I was ever planning to." he smiled, and leaned over to give her a soft kiss. "I should probably get going, though. It's getting late."

"If you say so." she sighed, standing up to put her secret stash back in its place.

"Remind me, when's shore leave again?" he smirked before he left.

"A month and a half." she chuckled, "Goodnight."

"Night." he said quietly, walking out of the room.

Just 45 days to go. She could do this.


	14. 40 Days and 40 Nights

_Author's Note: I'd like to thank_ **Starbuckathena **_for following. I__ apologize in advance for any sniffles, or tears. The italics will indicate past events._

* * *

It all happened so fast. It wasn't fair, the time went too fast. They were almost half way done with their tour, and now it was too late. Kaidan was listening to the yelling from the last escape pod, and it was tearing him apart. He was furious at Joker for letting her get away, but there wasn't much he'd have been able to do in the first place. Catherine always did her own thing.

_It had been a week after they'd left the Citadel, and Kaidan was still trying to adjust to the fact that everyone knew he and Catherine had a thing going on. It was awkward, but at least the open displays of affection weren't going to get them in trouble, now. Nearly everyone had stated that they would gladly lie about the fraternizing if asked about it, solely because they all believed the two deserved some slack. They'd hardly been hiding the fact that they spent time together after dinner, as well. Sometimes it was a drink, and sometimes Kaidan would have to be sure his uniform was back on straight._

_"Kaidan, don't go." she whined softly. Her pale skin was a stark contrast to the black sheets on her bed, and her red hair seemed especially luminescent at the moment. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, reaching for his clothes when he looking over his shoulder just as she sat up. She'd clutched the blanket up over her to keep herself a little decent, and he smirked a little at how cute that was._

_"You know I shouldn't stay in here."_

_"There are a lot of things that you and I have done that we really shouldn't have..." she rolled her eyes, "Or do I need to remind you about the past hour and a half?"_

_"What can I say? It's hard to refuse you." he sat up, and sighed. He was going to have a killer migraine tomorrow unless he got a good night's rest. And the bed was comfortable..._

_He felt a warm hand on his shoulder, and glanced over again as he saw her sit up, forgetting the blanket._

_"Your back looks really tense."_

_"That's because it is." he half-groaned as she applied just the right amount of pressure. He let her run her hands all over his back well after the tension had melted away. He hadn't noticed his eyes had closed in that time._

_"I doubt if anyone noticed that they would expect anything less, Kaidan." she said softly as her arms wrapped around his neck, and she spoke in his ear. "It's just one night. You had a rough day."_

_He did have a rough day, she was right. He'd pushed his biotics nearly to the point he was worried he might lose control of them. The fighting hadn't been the worst part, though. He'd gotten word from home that his mother had gone to the hospital from slipping down the stairs. She'd broken her hip, and hit her head hard enough that she was in a coma. Catherine had been nearby when he'd taken the call, and afterwards, she'd taken a great deal of time talking with him. She'd told him that if he felt like he needed to go home, she wouldn't hold it against him._

"Duty first, that's me." he chastised himself mentally. It had been half an hour, and the escape pods had just reached the surface of Alchera. They were all within a good 3 mile radius of each other, and as each reported in, it was becoming clearer who hadn't made it.

"Kaidan, we need to locate Jeff." Chakwas put a hand on his shoulder. "If he has any injuries they'll need to be tended to immediately."

"We'll find him." Kaidan said, trying to push back the guilt he felt as he opened up his omni-tool. "Let me know when you're ready."

_"See, I told you it wasn't going to be that bad." she laughed, sitting in his lap. They were on vid call with Garrus in the mess hall, and she had planted herself firmly on his lap as the turian picked up the call. Just so that Kaidan couldn't argue with her._

_"That's just because you put me through hell." the turian laughed back, then sighing. "Can't say this has been as smooth for my parents. I get calls every other day and half the time it ends with my parents arguing, and so I just hang up."_

_"I'm sorry to hear that."_

_"At least I know if you call I don't have to be prepared to take a side."_

_"And do you know why?" she grinned._

_"Your side is the only side, Cathrine." Kaidan chimed in, mostly an observer in the call._

_"Precisely." she grinned, turning back and kissing his temple. A noise came from Garrus' end, and they both glanced over._

_"You two are going to make me sick." he teased._

_"Do you want me to find you a nice pretty girl, Garrus?" she returned._

_"No thanks." he quipped, glancing to the side. "I've got plenty of other things to worry about without some girl being thrown in."_

_"Aw, don't be like that, Garrus. Otherwise you'll end up like Wrex: old, grumpy, and alone."_

_"I'll end up two of those things regardless, I'm sure." Kaidan thought he could see a smile on Garrus' face. Catherine was naturally better at picking up on turian facial expressions compared to most. He'd have to ask about it later. "Anyway, I should get going. Lots to do tomorrow."_

_"Alright. Let me know how things are going at the end of the week." she beamed._

_"I'm not about to suddenly forget to check in on my closest friends."_

_They'd said their goodbyes, and Catherine leaned back against him, some, sighing. Without thinking, he reached up to push some of the hair from her face, and she looked at him with a smile._

_"What?"_

_"Can't believe you weren't already snatched up by someone." she murmured, leaning over to give him a very soft, tender kiss. Soon, her lips were parted from his. "Come on. We should get some sleep, too."_

Kaidan didn't want to admit it but he was in tears by the time he and Chakwas had hiked in the snow for a solid fifteen minutes to Joker's pod. He saw that he's have to pry the doors open. He bent them out of shape with his biotics after Joker had his breather mask on, angry. He'd crush the man if he had purposely let her go.

But that anger melted the second he saw the bruising on the man's arms as he held his head in his hands. Their eyes met, and they were just as red, if not more.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. I'm... I'm so sorry... I couldn't..." he trailed off, shaking as Chakwas came over. It was silent, and Kaidan struggled.

His mouth wasn't dry, but it felt like it was numb to the point it was useless. He couldn't think of the right words to fit how he felt, or what he should say in the situation. For a split second, Kaidan wasn't in his body, but watching over himself.

"You tried." came out eventually, in a hoarse voice that was as full of sorrow as the other man's voice.

"Come on, let's get him to the other pod with the others." Chakwas stood up, putting one arm around Jeff to help him stand. Kaidan took the other side and they began to walk.

* * *

"Shepard!"

Catherine caught the wall before she went flying away, and glanced at the panel. Another burst of energy sent her flying off. Before she was too far, she stretched her limb to press the button, glad that she saw the escape pod launch off before she got thrown against the Normandy.

"Shepard you dumbass!"

"Jeff, you gotta look after everyone!" she choked out with tears. She knew she wasn't going to make it through this. "Please!"

"You know me, I'm bad with people. That's why they put you in charge."

She felt cold seeping in, and the computer in her suit told her that her oxygen was running low.

"So," she thought, "this is how I'm going to die."

"Don't let anyone tell you that you can't fly. You're the best damn pilot." she said, feeling lightheaded and starting the struggle for breath. Her fingers and toes were already numb, and she was shaking too hard to be able to effectively plug the leak in her oxygen tank. Suddenly the radio popped in her ear - they were too far away for close-range. The Normandy's computer was fried.

Catherine was alone.

She squeezed her eyes shut as her tears began freezing to her skin. Her chest was burning for oxygen and no matter how hard she gasped, nothing was helping. She couldn't feel her body, except for the pain all over. She felt herself slipping rapidly. It had only been 40 days into the tour. 5 days from shore leave. 5 days from the next chance to indulge fully in Kaidan once more.

"Kai..."

* * *

_"Kaidan. Wake up."_

He shot up in his bed, covered in sweat with tears running down his face. He was being haunted by her every night and it was becoming near impossible to sleep. They were supposed to be on Horizon, right now, on shore leave. But instead he was on the Citadel, waiting for her funeral and for further orders.

He threw back his bed sheet and walked out of the room to the kitchen, grabbing a cup and filling it with water. His hands were shaking, but he managed not to spill any of it as he put the cup to his lips to drink. He set the cup down and just stood at the sink for a minute, letting his body calm down so that he could try to go back to sleep again. That's all he'd felt like doing for the past few weeks. He'd hardly gone out except for when he had to, and he wasn't exactly talking to people. Kaidan was terrified that someone might blame him for all this, when he was already doing that.

He could have gone back for her, could have refused an order. She might be alive if he'd ignored the chain of command. Then again, he might be dead if that had happened. In the back of his mind, he wondered if she was supposed to die now, of all times. If he'd gone with her, would she still have been cast off into space without him? At least then he'd have a clearer conscious. He'd have been able to see what he could have done, instead of coming up with a whole set of scenarios where he failed each time. That was all his dreams had been, lately, except for the one tonight.

She'd been with him. Just laying with him in bed and talking to him. It'd been far too real for it to be made up, but he would have known if this was just a memory that came up. He remembered nearly every conversation he'd had with her.

_"Do you love me?" she sat up a little, laying on her stomach next to him as he laid on his back._

_"Of course I love you, Catherine. Why do you ask?"_

_"It's just that it's been... a while." she cast her gaze downwards, towards her fidgeting hands, "I don't know, I thought you'd have said it before now."_

_"Do I need to say it?" he asked quietly, not sure that he'd ever have to affirm what she already knew - at least what he hoped she knew._

_"It wouldn't hurt." she smiled, looking over._

Her hair had been longer in his dream - well past her shoulders and slightly curled at the ends. But her face was the same, the way she talked... her voice was the thing that killed him. He missed her laughter more than he'd thought, and only now did he realize that he hadn't made many friends who he felt he could trust to open up to.

He stood up and turned to walk back to bed. As he sat down on his bed, he saw his omni-tool blink, and he picked it up. There was a message from someone, and he decided he would deal with it later. They could wait until he felt sane again. Kaidan pulled his blanket over himself as he rolled onto his side, trying to go back to sleep.

* * *

"You look like shit."

"Thanks, Joker." he sighed, rubbing at the back of his neck. He hadn't gotten much more sleep, and now it was finally starting to hit him that he was on his own.

"Seriously, are you okay?"

"Haven't been sleeping well."

"There's more to it than that. Come on, don't you trust me?"

"I don't want to talk."

"Fine, don't talk. But don't sit here and become useless, you know she'd kick your ass if she ever saw you like this."

He clenched his jaw. They were sitting in the front row, and her picture was right in front of him - he refused to look at it. She didn't look the same in that photo - she'd gotten a few more scars on her face since that was taken, and her eyes looked dull and glassy. She wasn't the woman he'd gotten to know.

"I doubt she'd be doing much better if I were in her place. At least give me the courtesy of being able to mourn her." he said quietly as someone else rose to speak.

"I'm not denying it to you. I'm just telling you that you should try to... move on a little. Maybe go talk to someone."

"I don't need to talk to anyone." he shook his head.

"That's what I told them before they made me. Of course it doesn't make any difference, I'm grounded regardless."

"No one is going to understand, even if I did go talk to someone." he sighed, looking at the ground.

"You've got the whole crew to talk to, Kaidan. We've all kept silent, but we know how much this has to be hurting. We're hurting too." Joker said, actually reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder, giving a gentle shake. "We're all here for you. You just gotta meet us half way."


	15. Hell

_Author's Note: Thank you to_ **Freethinker037 **_for the favorite, and to __ for the follow and favorite. I_ _apologize for the long delay. I thought I had this chapter written up already, but I guess I was mistaken. Not to mention my laptop died the day after I got back from vacation, so I'm stuck using and old desktop until we get it fixed. I apologize so much for this chapter, but I hope you enjoy it regardless._

* * *

For several days after the funeral, Kaidan had been denying the fact that he needed to see anyone, despite everyone telling him it would help. But, when the Alliance ordered it, there was no way he could refuse, now. At least this woman he was supposed to see was from her own private practice, so nothing but a general report would be making it back to the Alliance.

At the moment, he was sitting in the waiting room, leg bouncing from too much nervous energy. It was serene here. Quiet, good temperature, and there was a calming scent that was being pumped through the ducts. Probably on purpose, he thought. He was supposed to feel safe here, so that he could talk. He admitted that at the moment, he at least felt comfortable here.

"Kaidan Alenko?" an asari came from the office, smiling. He stood up and reached to shake her hand. "Thank you for waiting. Are you comfortable stepping into my office?"

"Sure." he said, following her. The office wasn't much different. There was a desk, that much he had expected, but there were a few chairs surrounding a coffee table. It looked very relaxed and intimate. That hadn't been what he'd been expecting, but when she sat down in a chair and motioned for the one across from her, he took it. It was the same kind of chair that was out in the waiting room.

"My name is Nani, I'm glad you came to see me. Have you ever been to a therapy session like this before?"

He sighed, nodding quietly as he tried to get comfortable again. It took a moment for him to speak.

"It was right after I came back from BAaT camp. I was... I don't know, 17 or 18? So it's been a while." he could smile a little. It seemed like so long ago that he'd lost control of himself over a girl. Not unlike now, really.

He remembered how hard those sessions had been. He'd been so scarred that it had been difficult to talk about more than one thing each day. The sessions had lasted for several hours on top of that, due to the lapses in what he wanted to say. It had helped, not being pressured into speaking until he was ready. The worst day had been that first day, being asked about what had happened. It had been too raw, and Kaidan expected that same feeling today.

"That is quite some time." Nani agreed, looking down at her datapad. "The Alliance told me about the reason they sent you here. I want you to know that I am very sorry. You and the Commander seemed to be very close, if I'm not mistaken."

He nodded, clenching his jaw as he leaned forward to rest his arms on his knees, hanging his head.

"She was a lot more than just my best friend." he sucked in a breath. She wasn't allowed to divulge information to others, he had to remember that. "We spent a lot of down time together. Especially after we lost our friend Ashley. She was... I don't think anyone has ever seen her like that. She was a complete mess for the next few days. And it killed me that no one was stepping forward to help her. So... I said damn the regs, and went over and hugged her. She was my friend, I wasn't about to watch her suffer through that alone. She's been alone for too long."

Kaidan took in a deep breath, and let it out slowly as he sat back again, looking at the glass coffee table. It was quiet for the next seven minutes while he tried to figure out what else he could say.

"Do you want to talk about what happened after you went over to her? Maybe how she responded?" Nani offered in a soft voice. It didn't feel like she was probing for anything specific, but that she was genuinely trying to help him get through what he was feeling.

The rest of his time there was spent talking about the days leading up to Ash's death, and the few days after where it seemed like he'd spent every waking moment with Catherine to make sure that she'd be alright. He wasn't questioned further about much, other than the one 'do you think that was the right thing' after he mentioned telling Catherine to head straight for the relay, instead of diverting to the Council.

"I don't regret speaking up. I just wish that we didn't have to spend all that time waiting around while the Council... Effectively ignored us." he sighed, going back to how the two had spent the early hours of the next morning talking in her cabin. He left out how intimate it had gotten, for his own sake.

People believed that Sovereign had been a geth ship. The Normandy crew knew better, and no one was willing to look into it, so they all kept quiet. Kaidan was still furious that even Anderson had to step back. He was the only one with any real power to do anything, now. But that wasn't why Kaidan was here talking to Nani. He was here because the Alliance had deemed him unfit for duty until he underwent a series of psych evals, along with a number of visits to a therapist. He was here because he was grieving for Catherine.

He walked home, feeling just a tiny bit better that he could get some of his emotions off his chest. He'd always been very in touch with himself, compared to others. Sometimes it would drive people away, but for those that encouraged him to be more open, it proved to be worthwhile. But, it didn't change the fact that he was alone, now. If Catherine had been busy, or off on tour, he could have handled being alone. She would come back. But knowing that she was dead, even if her body hadn't been found... This was tearing him apart daily.

That night, he nearly drowned himself in whiskey. Something he'd promised himself he would never do, but it was already done. He was actually drunk, for a change, and it felt good to be out of control, for once. Kaidan stumbled around his apartment, looking for something. What it was, he didn't know. He stumbled into the wall and grunted, catching himself before he fell.

He looked up at the one picture he'd snapped of Catherine while they'd been on shore leave. He'd transferred it to this external device as soon as he'd been able. She was laying in the bed asleep, curled up with a pillow in her arms, white sheets bringing out the subtle creaminess of her skin, hair surprisingly smoothed against her head, and bold in the sunlight. Her lips were parted slightly, and the cheek she was laying on was pressing up on her eye. Catherine had been absolutely adorable in that moment, and Kaidan could remember that just two minutes later she woke up, not happy that Kaidan was standing there with his omni-tool open. The photo faded to the next one that she'd allowed him to keep, not hating it but not openly liking it either. They'd spent a day on the beach, enjoying the sun and the water. Catherine had been convinced that she was going to get a sunburn if she didn't stay under the shade, but for the few minutes she'd gone into the water, she'd seemed truly carefree. The deep blue water was mid-thigh, and she turned half-way to look back at him. He got a great picture of her in her swimsuit, smirking with her hands holding her hair back. He had a feeling that if they ever did have a family, he would have been the one taking all the photos. It was just something he did.

He fell to the floor. And Kaidan started to cry, for the first time since she'd died. He hadn't cried for years, but all the pain was coming out slowly as his cheeks grew more and more wet by the second. Breathing became hard, and his chest was hurting so much that he felt like he was going to be torn in half from the hole that was surely forming. He never deserved her. She was far better than anyone he would ever be deserving of. Kaidan Alenko was a piece of trash compared to Catherine Shepard. And with that last thought, he crawled to his bed and fell asleep.

* * *

"How are you feeling since we talked last week?" Nani smiled as they walked to her office.

"Not much different." Kaidan said. He hadn't gotten much sleep, and had dark circles under his eyes. He knew he looked terrible, but it reflected just how he felt. After his little breakdown, he'd had a hard time doing anything but eating and sleeping. It was easy, having to wait until he was cleared for another assignment. He'd heard Chakwas had gone to help in a small clinic for a while, he'd thought briefly about going to chat with the doctor. They'd gotten along well enough that he could consider her a friend. But then just two days ago, Joker had come over unannounced, carrying much more alcohol than Kaidan thought was wise to be around. He'd been grounded. Understandably, he was furious, and they'd both passed out on the couch that night.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Has there been anything in particular that's been bothering you?"

Straight to business. He let out a heavy sigh, and began unloading, because... Well it felt good. He even let a few tears slip out, not bothering to wipe them from his face. The trails they left made his skin feel tight, and uncomfortable. But as he continued talking, about everything, Nani's face grew more and more grim. When he sat back, finished, he glanced up at her, and she was busy tapping away at a data pad.

"Can I ask what you're doing?"

"I, um... I think you may need a more thorough evaluation." she paused, looking him in the eyes. "Your behavior is suggesting that you may have depression. Whether it's simply temporary, or more long-term I can't say. But I would definitely like you to go see someone more experienced about this."

"My... Friend, Dr. Chakwas. I'd like to go see her, if that's alright." he said, with a slow nod.

"By all means, go ahead. We can end our session early today, if you'd like. As long as you go see your friend before our next scheduled visit."

"I can manage that. Thank you." he stood up, walking out and heading straight to his apartment, just like last time. After shutting the door, he took a look around. Nothing was really a mess, but it felt dirty to him. His eyes happened to glance over at the external device he'd cried over last week. He felt a gut-wrenching pain, and made himself sit down, holding his head in his hands as he gently rocked back and forth, trying to hold himself together. He couldn't even look at her picture without falling apart, maybe it would be best to get rid of it- no. He couldn't do that. Kaidan wouldn't want her to erase him from her life. But she'd be stronger than he was.

Catherine, if she could see him now, would probably be smiling at him. She would be telling him that whatever he was feeling was okay, because he's only human.

_"You make me feel... human."_

Those words had never felt more true now. He felt so alone, and lost. What would he do if he wasn't allowed back to active duty? He'd always been good with tech. Maybe he could work on retrofits for ships, or get into a nice civilian job. No, he had to believe he could go back into active duty. He was stronger than this, he could do it, Kaidan resolved.

But, before he forgot, he sent a quick message to Chakwas, asking if she would come see him. He wasn't sure he could bear to leave his apartment, for next day or so, despite the sudden burst of confidence. His emotions were running amok. He needed to sort through them one by one, or try to. Anything to stop tiring himself out with his own thoughts. Luckily it seemed that Chakwas was available now, and was on her way. Kaidan forced himself to sit down and focus on his breathing to keep his mind off things for the next half hour or so. It worked a little too well because he was about ready to doze off when he heard the soft knock on his door. He forced himself up and over to the door, rubbing at his eyes.

"Kaidan, it's good to see you." Chakwas said, arm out for a hug. Kaidan smiled and stepped into it, returning the hug. It felt good to see a friend, and he could actually feel some of the tension in his back leave. He invited her inside and sat down to talk for a bit. Just casual things, at the start, and something that actually got him to smile, and laugh a couple of times.

"So tell me," she started after a bit of silence, "was there a reason you called me over, or were you just looking for some company?"

"A little of both." Kaidan sat up and cleared his throat as he readjusted himself. "The therapist I'm seeing... She wanted me to get a psych evaluation. I called you, because... Well you know me better than most others, and I thought that would mean a little more accurate evaluation."

"I see." Chakwas nodded, "Is there any reason in particular that your therapist asked this from you?"

"She mentioned that some of my behavior leads her to think I might be depressed." he cleared his throat, eyes watering just a bit. He wasn't fucked up enough, now he had to add mentally ill to his already long list of problems. "She's not sure whether it's just temporary or not. I guess time will tell, huh?"

"I'm glad you asked me to do this Kaidan." Chakwas said, reaching over to put her hand on his shoulder. "I have been a little worried about you. You don't seem to be as social as you used to be."

"It's been hard. There are a number of things that I can just look at or think of, and Catherine comes to mind. It's nearly torn me apart a few times, already, and I know it's not healthy."

"No one can tell you how to grieve, or for how long. Your connection with her was unique, and I can promise you that if, in the unfortunate event your roles had been switched, the only difference between the two of you would be how you are grieving the loss. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you have been dealing with this situation."

He sighed, and gave a gentle nod. The reassurance was what he had needed without realizing it. After taking a few minutes to try to relax himself, they began to go through a series of questions that Kaidan was all too familiar with. Several answers didn't change, though there were a few that he knew were not going to give him the result he wanted, but they were honest answers. He began rubbing the back of his neck when Chakwas was silent, going over everything and cross-referencing from her omni-tool.

"You are showing some signs of mild depression, Kaidan." she said, looking up. "It's nothing to be worried about. I think if you just continue with your therapist, and make more of an effort to get out of your apartment, I think you'll be just fine, this looks temporal. And of course, if you feel like it's getting worse, or you need more than the therapy, give me a call, or come visit me in the clinic." she looked at him, waiting for a response. He nodded and then ran his hand over his face.

"Alright, I'll make sure to call if I need it. Thank you." he stood up to show her out.

"Before I go, I thought I'd let you know that a few of us were going out for drinks tomorrow night. You're welcome to join us."

"I'll think about it. I'm not sure that alcohol would be the best thing for me. But I can always go for the company." he shrugged, smiling and waving goodbye, before shutting the door.

_"This looks temporal."_ she'd said. But it would be just his luck that this would turn into a long term issue. He wasn't going to worry about it right now, because his stomach chose that moment to start growling. When was the last time he'd had a good meal? Maybe he'd head down to get something fresh to cook at the store.


	16. Recovery

_Author's Note: After the last chapter, I thought you could all use some cheering up. Also I'm trying to speed things along some because I kinda sort of hate mopey Kaidan and I want him to be happy. Sorry for the length (and the excessive wait!) but I really hope this is what we've all been waiting for._

_Thank you to_ **Freethinker037**_ for the follow. I hope you enjoy!_

* * *

"You're looking much better. How do you feel?"

"I feel good. Just anxious to get back out in the field." Kaidan said, clasping Anderson's hand tightly. When it was released he let his hand fall back to his side, curious to know why he'd been called into the Councilors' office. It couldn't possibly be to catch up.

"Glad to hear it." Anderson sighed, shaking his head, "I'm not going to try hiding it; Admiral Hackett asked me to see if I thought you were ready for another assignment. Psychiatrists and doctors may say one thing, but if you don't feel ready that's a different story. So, how are you really?"

"It's never easy to lose someone close, but I think an assignment would be a welcome distraction. Help me get back on my feet again."

Kaidan had felt absolutely useless while all his other friends were off being assigned to other vessels, or stations. Though Joker had been grounded - just as shaken up as Kaidan had been. Maybe Jeff had it worse if he'd been grounded. But Kaidan had hardly heard from him in the past three months, so he assumed everything was fine. Anderson began talking again.

"I thought I would see for myself. I'd like you to be part of my personal guard for some time, just to ease you back into things. I know it's not exciting-"

"No, that sounds like just what I need." Kaidan said, offering the smallest of smiles.

"Good. I'll forward you more details and have Kyla contact you - you'll be working with her very closely." He pulled up his omni-tool, searching for something.

"Thank you, sir." he said once he received a series of files.

"You don't have to be formal with me, Kaidan."

"Habit. I'll keep it in mind, Anderson."

* * *

Nothing eventful had happened for the past half a year guarding Anderson, but he'd been promoted, finally. It felt like a weight of his shoulders - he was finally beginning to move on from the Normandy, able to breathe again. His depression had not gone away, but he was learning to live with it, and accept that it was just another unfortunate roll of the dice in his life. But things were beginning to look up. He was heading to an asari colony to train his biotics up a little more, before his next mission. A few other human biotics would be there, too.

"This sounds like just what you need." Anderson had smiled just a few hours ago, after explaining everything. Kaidan had stood up and shook his hand before leaving, not saying much else.

At the moment he was sitting on his bed, in the midst of packing for his flight out later tonight. But he was torn, holding the collection of photos he'd allowed himself to keep of Catherine. Did he take them, or leave them behind? On the one hand, she was his determination to keep going, and improve himself, so that no one else would have to suffer the way she did. On the other hand, the memories were still strong enough to send him into relapses, where he would be unmoving for days at a time. With a shake of his head, he set it down beside the bed. It was best to leave her here, where he could be alone and focused. He stood up and continued folding up some clothes into his bag for another half hour before he'd finally finished.

Now, it was a matter of keeping himself occupied until he could leave. Sitting in a chair in the corner, he pulled up his omni-tool to see if he couldn't learn any more about this colony he was going to. At first, it seemed like there was little to do on the planet, much less where he would be staying. That didn't entirely bode well for him, but he was there to work, not to wander. At least it would be a change of scenery, and he might make some new friends. Then, he wondered what Liara had been up to. She'd all but vanished from everyone's radar. Last he'd heard, she was taking some job offer on Illium. What she would be doing, he couldn't recall. Or perhaps she simply hadn't mentioned. Either way, he figured it wouldn't hurt to send her a simple message to see what she had been up to. He didn't expect a reply back.

For a few hours, Kaidan figured he could try to talk with a few old friends before leaving for who knew how long. Joker didn't seem to be in a particularly good mood, and refused to say what he'd been doing as of late. He hadn't been good enough friends with Tali and Wrex, so that wasn't an option. Garrus, though. He'd been a good friend when it counted, and didn't seem to care that they never had any deep conversations. Maybe it was better that way.

_KA: We haven't talked for a while, thought I would see how you're doing._

He sent the message, wondering what Garrus had gotten up to.

_GV: Tried going back to C-Sec. Too much red tape for me to handle, so I figured I would go somewhere that I could make a real difference._

What the hell did that mean? He wasn't surprised that Garrus would find C-Sec boring after all the chaos they had been exposed to.

_KA: And where is that?_

_GV: I'd rather not say. Might get you into more trouble than you've asked for._

_GV: It's probably best if you try not to contact me too much from now on._

Kaidan frowned, utterly confused. He didn't know what to say to any of that. He shook his head and tossed his omni-tool on the bed with a sigh. Friends were hard to come by, for him. The few he thought he'd made seemed to run away pretty quick without any word to him. So what was it all for, then? He found himself leaning forward with his head in his hands, an aching feeling in his chest threatening to overtake him. He closed his eyes and took some deep breaths, enough that he felt like he could get up and walk around some so that he could think about something else.

He knew what it would come back around to. It never failed. But if he could delay it, he would be fine. He had to be. And then he felt himself slowly collapsing to the ground, wracked with quiet sobs and guilt.

* * *

"Welcome to Nos Heliaa." the VI chimed pleasantly as he exited the shuttle. The other human biotics, five others to be exact, were all younger than himself. Though as he'd talked with them, it seemed like they were very experienced and more than ready to take on whatever was handed to them.

They were all implanted with the L4 configurations. He couldn't possibly imagine what that would do to his already impressive biotics. He could seriously injure someone with just the tiniest lift if he wasn't careful, as it was. With any newer implant, well... He'd be categorized as a monster, no doubt. He was comfortable with the L2, anyway. The migraines weren't awful, and he knew his limits. Having to readjust would just be a nightmare for him, and anyone in the vicinity of him.

* * *

Two of the younger biotics had to drop the program. It was disheartening for everyone, even the asari training with them, to see two students leave. They weren't ready, yet.

"I heard they're getting called into a secret program." one of the young men said over dinner.

"That's stupid, they couldn't even do some of the basic exercises, why would they get pulled over the rest of us?" a girl snapped back.

"Because no one would miss them. Those two were orphans, they have no family. They're expendable."

"How could you say something like that about another human being? Or anyone for that matter?"

"Look, I'm just telling you what I heard the instructor say over comm." he shrugged, slumping forward into his meal.

"Maybe you should get some actual facts before you start spewing bullshit."

Kaidan had to wonder if that had been the case at all. It wasn't unusual for the Alliance to put people in programs to see how they might react to a similar one, then pull them out when they were deemed ready. It had happened to him, once, right before he'd been assigned to the Normandy. He kept quiet, and listened to the murmur of conversation around him. He was just trying not to get sucked up in memories of the past.

* * *

He'd been here for five months, and now he was getting to go back home and rest. The training had been worth it. He felt even more in control of his biotics than before - he'd thought he'd had a good handle on things then. He was almost fearless about using them in any given situation. He just hoped it would be enough to make a difference, next time there was danger. He was already being assessed for a proper posting, after his week-long shore leave.

The first thing that happened when he stepped off the shuttle in Vancouver was a frighteningly solid hug from his mother. His arms naturally returned the embrace, and a flood of emotions began to come forward. Kaidan willed them back down until he was alone with his mom and dad. But, his dad had work, so for now it was just him and his mother. Maybe it was for the best. The ride from the dock to the house on the bay was relatively silent, but it was better than the last time this sort of thing had happened.

"I'm glad you get to be home with us for a little while, Kaidan." his mother smiled, looking over to him as she drove. He glanced back with a smile, then returned his gaze back out the window, trying not to think too much about anything, but where he might be going for his next assignment. The drive didn't seem like it had taken nearly an hour, but they were home now. He got out and grabbed his bag from the back and headed inside. The moment he stepped inside, he nearly lost himself.

"Kaidan, tell me what's wrong." his mother asked, scared as she knelt beside him on the floor. Her hand was on his back, trying to soothe him the best she could. His throat felt like it had closed up, and made it impossible to speak. Never mind the stinging in his eyes and the awful hole ripping its way back open in his chest. For a while, they both sat in silence as he tried to hold his sobs in, unsuccessfully. She tried getting him to speak a few more times before he finally replied to her.

"I don't want to talk about it right this minute. Maybe later." he got out, burying his head in his arms. He would sit in the entry way of the house until he felt like moving. Which, it turned out, was going to be until his father got home.

The front door opened and Kaidan slowly glanced up, still red-eyed and feeling miserable, to his father. The man had a smile, though it faded a bit when they looked closer at each other. The door then shut and he shrugged off his coat, before holding a hand out in Kaidan's face.

"Let's go talk." he said quietly. Kaidan didn't hesitate to take his father's hand, hauling himself up to his feet, leaving his bags at the door. He followed his father into the kitchen where his mother was. She smiled and greeted both of them, in the middle of preparing dinner. Kaidan sat down at the counter while his father began helping his mother with dinner. "So, how was the training?"

"It went great." Kaidan sighed, finally sitting upright, and managing to look a little more composed. "I learned a lot of new techniques, and I got a few tips on how to refine some other skills, from some of the asari. A couple of the kids that went with me were amazing - I didn't think they'd be able to last a week in that camp. I underestimated how much they're teaching them, now."

"It took a while to get there, but they're getting the best education they can." his father said. "Did they tell you where you're heading out next?"

"No, not yet. All I know is that it will be something planet side, maybe a tour or two."

"You haven't been planet side for a mission for a while."

"I have new skills they might want to test out." Kaidan shrugged.

They didn't talk about his breakdown. They didn't talk about what happened after the Normandy crashed. They didn't talk about anything that was in the past, except for training. Positive thoughts, keeping things on the future... that was all that there was to talk about while he was home. And that's all he wanted. Until he could finally move on and start a new tour, he didn't want to think about his past at all, not even the past few hours. Kaidan felt like he was finally starting to move on from Catherine. He was starting to remember who he was on his own, and all the things he was capable of doing.

Kaidan found himself falling asleep, thinking about what it might be like to finally live a relatively normal life again. And he smiled.

That smile radiated from his core, and made him feel warm for the first time in _months_. It amazed him and he wondered how long it had been since he'd actually felt something. He couldn't recall missing out on feeling anything before, but now he wanted to feel everything again. It was like he'd broken out of his shell, at last, and he could live again. A breath of fresh air and he was ready to take on the world.

This is who he remembered being. And he loved this person.


	17. Trouble - Part I

_Author's Note: Thanks to_ **asuka-uk**_ for the follow!__ I apologize for the extreme delay in... Everything. I've been busy, and having writer's block on top of that hasn't helped in the slightest. I'm doing my best, but I'm just glad so many of you have stuck with me through this. Thank you so much, it means the world to me. I thought you all might appreciate seeing what Kaidan was up to before he came across Shepard on Horizon. Hope you like it and enjoy!_

* * *

It seemed more than a little ironic to Kaidan that he was being sent to Horizon, after having made plans nearly two years ago to come here with Catherine. He'd been terrified at first that it would be too traumatic for him to think about it, or be there. But orders were orders and he was going to follow through.

Once he'd stepped off the Alliance shuttle, though, he realized it would be traumatic for a whole other reason. Specifics of the posting weren't handed out until he and the other soldiers had settled in, and were eating dinner. Kaidan nearly spat out his food as he read over the report, not because of what was in it but because of what he heard some of the other soldiers saying.

He'd just read about how they were sent here to protect against a possible Cerberus attack...

"You saw the news, right?" one of the women whispered, "Shepard's alive, and working with Cerberus!"

"Bullshit," called another marine, "She'd never-"

"There was a Cerberus logo branded on the armor of two of her companions when she was spotted on the Citadel. That could only mean she's working for them!"

"But she was still in her N7 armor!"

"Doesn't mean they couldn't have bootlegged it for her. You know that shit is top quality."

Kaidan forced himself to tune out, scarfing down the rest of his dinner so he could go outside and get some fresh air. That information, combined with the disturbing details of the posting was enough to make his head spin, and make him feel sick. He stood outside the building, staring up at the sky as it turned to twilight, stars just beginning to show through the darkening sky.

She couldn't be alive. Catherine would have contacted him if she were, right? And even then, it had been two years. Where would she have been all this time? Why wouldn't she have talked to him? Did their relationship mean nothing? And why Cerberus? They were twisted, and Catherine hadn't had many good things to say about them in the past, much less about the way they treated their own people. There was no way this was the Catherine he knew, and had come to admire, and even love. He shook his head. It was either a very convincing doppelganger, a clone, or she hadn't been spaced at all, and instead was kidnapped and brainwashed into working for them.

He couldn't just send her a message, though. That would risk too much. With a heavy sigh, he sent out a different message.

_KA: I just heard two soldiers talking about Shepard. Saying that she was alive, and working with Cerberus. Do you know anything?_

He waited for the message to go through, and then went back to the bunks to get ready for bed. Kaidan had a long day ahead of him, tomorrow, and he would need plenty of rest to deal with these wary colonists. As he sat down on the bed, he pulled up his omni-tool again, habitually scrolling through files. He'd intended on reading something to get to sleep, but instead he paused his scrolling for two reasons. One, was the message he received.

_DA: I just spoke to her. I have no doubt it's really her - a clone wouldn't have the same memories. We talked for some time about why she's working with Cerberus, because she is. All she would say was that the Alliance wasn't doing anything, and she needed to stop the attacks on human colonies. I do believe she has the best intentions, and I'll stay in contact with her throughout her mission._

That alone shook Kaidan to his very core. He felt many things. Rage. Confusion. Nausea. Heartbreak.

_DA: I should also mention she kept asking about you. I couldn't tell her much, but I could see how much it eased her mind to know that you'd been able to move on after what happened._

Kaidan hadn't needed to hear that, but it did make his chest ache. It was an ache he hadn't felt for the longest time, and it felt as good as it hurt - which was to say a lot. He shut his eyes tight, like a child might, and he struggled to hold back the sob he could feel rising in his throat.

The other things that had paused his scrolling was the only photo of the two of them. The only photo of them. He'd cherished it and kept it hidden away from anyone else. Despite hating him taking photos of her while she wasn't looking, she didn't mind if she was taking them. While he wasn't looking, she'd snagged his omni-tool, and then she'd gotten his attention to take a photo.

He'd kissed her cheek as she took the photo, and she was grinning, one eye closed as the force from his kiss knocked her a little off balance and surprised her. Kaidan's arms were around her midsection, a hand unintentionally pushing her shirt up to expose her hip and the edge of the tattoo on her side. He'd found out not too long before that day that it was a collection of roses. The only reason he'd saved it, seeing as it was actually an awful photo, was because she'd made the effort to try to preserve a little piece of them. That meant everything to him, and he wasn't sure he'd ever get over her, no matter how he felt about her actions.

_KA: If you talk to her again, let her know I'd like to talk with her the next chance I'm around the Citadel._

It was all he could come up with that didn't sound awful. He wanted to talk with Catherine about a lot of things. But he would need time to figure out what those thigns were, and how to best approach them. He could sleep on it. For several nights.

Shutting off his omni-tool, he turned the lights off and threw himself onto his bed to sleep. He kept his thoughts away from Catherine, and tried to focus on what he would have to do tomorrow.

* * *

Why did he think these colonists would appreciate help from the Alliance? They'd come all the way to the Terminus System to get away from the Alliance, yet here he was trying to set up colony defenses. Officially, it was to defend against pirates, but everyone knew it was actually in case the Collectors came around.

"You're just making us a bigger target for them! We look like scared little shits with these things up, no one wants them here, anyway!" several of the colonists had yelled at Kaidan. He was put in charge of the technical calibrations and whatnot, making sure these things would actually fire and work as they were meant to. He didn't pay much attention to their complaints - he was just following the orders he was given, same as the rest of the soldiers.

Every day, for months, he was met with protests, until they finally realized he wasn't going to listen. After that, they began sabotaging whatever they could. Sensors, wires, numbers, construction... It was almost enough that Kaidan was ready to report to command about the behavior, and request some back up. At this rate, it would take at least three more months to finish building the AA guns, and possible more to calibrate them.

"A lot of these people lost something because of the Alliance. That's why they came out here." a woman smiled. She was one of the few who was offering assistance where she could be useful. It was typically handing over parts, or tools, which gave plenty of room to chat.

"That's unfortunate, but we're just here to make sure they can keep living. We could be out of her in a month, if they'd let us do our jobs." Kaidan sighed, laying on his back with his sleeves rolled up as he worked on a circuit board. "Believe me, I've had plenty taken from them, too, but I'm still here."

"You're a soldier - a good soldier - but that's not what they see." she shook her head, handing over one of the small soldering guns when he asked. "All they see is a reminder of what they've lost." there was a long pause, but he could tell she wanted to say more, so he waited. "It's like when you have a pet. When you're home, they love it, everything is great. They get attention, affection, they're fed, and taken care of. But... You know, one day you suddenly have to go on a long trip. Your pet doesn't realize it at first, but somehow while you're gone, they get mad at you for abandoning them. When you come back, they're reminded of how things were before, and they don't act the same."

"But after a while, pets will go back to normal." Kaidan scoffed.

"Maybe it just takes these people a little longer. All I'm saying is don't take it too hard, it's not worth the attention you're giving it."

Kaidan paused and pulled himself out from under the massive AA gun in the middle of an outdoor warehouse, and he was smiling. Lilith seemed confused.

"How could you possibly know how much attention I'm paying to this?" he laughed.

"I am a trained psychologist. These things are easy to pick up on." she shrugged and smiled back. "Get everything fixed up?"

"Yeah, almost. I just need to adjust a couple more wires and it should be ready to start being calibrated." he moved to pull himself back under but there was a hand on his forearm that made him pause. The sensation of another hand on his arm was almost foreign, but he was surprised at how gentle and welcoming it felt.

"I think you could take a break to grab some lunch. Let's close it up for now and come back."

"Good thing you're here. I would have worked myself through until dinner." he stood up and offered her a hand to pull her up.

Kaidan got along fine with Lilith. Up until today, he didn't know much about her other than she had come here without anyone. It sounded to him like she was running from something, but he wasn't sure it was entirely appropriate to ask about it. So he stuck to safer topics, like where she was from, what she did. He realized far too quickly that he liked Lilith. And he had conflicting feelings about this situation.

While he'd thought for two years that Catherine was dead, if she could prove that all of this Cerberus bullshit was just that, he would do anything to have her back in his life. Though, for two years, he'd convinced himself that it was okay to move on. During his time working as a bodyguard for Anderson, he'd met someone who he had taken an interest in, quite like now, with Lilith. It had been long enough that Kaidan didn't feel awkward about going on a few dates, to see where things went. Patania hadn't seemed very interested in him after that third date, and by then he'd started to see that they just weren't going to work out. It was mutual that they'd had a nice time getting to know each other, and they both knew it wasn't going to be very likely they would ever see each other again.

Come to think of it, she'd been a doctor in the same field that Lilith was. They were both specialists in psychology, but Patania had more knowledge about other species. Lilith was more or less confined to the psychology of humans. Still, it was interesting that they'd both had the same intent of helping others. He'd never said anything about his relationship with Catherine, or even hinted at anything. He was lucky enough to be able to fade back into the crowd after what had happened. Lilith seemed to see through it, and sense that he needed someone to talk to. All these doctors helping him, and he'd come to like each of them.

"Can I ask you something personal?" Lilith asked as they walked back towards the gun to work on it.

"Sure." he hadn't been paying too close attention to the conversation, truth be told.

"How are you taking the news about Shepard being alive?"

_How would anyone take the news that their significant other had come back from the dead?_ he thought bitterly. When he didn't answer, he saw her smile. That only hurt him more than the news already was.

"What?" he asked quietly.

"I'm only asking because I know it's bothering you. I saw you walk out that first night you were here, and you looked like you'd seen a ghost. You haven't really reached out to anyone since, so I can only imagine-"

"Lilith, just stop. It's hard enough on me as it is, I don't want to talk about it." he said, turning his full attention to the circuit board. For a while, they worked silently, only talking when they needed to.

"I'm sorry about asking. But if you want to talk, I don't mind listening."

"It's fine... And I'll keep that in mind."

He wasn't about to open himself up for anyone. Not until he could sort out how he was feeling, not just towards Lilith, but about Catherine. He hated having emotions, sometimes, but he had to remind himself that's what made being alive so great. Being able to experience this mix of emotions made his life unique, and worth experiencing. He had to keep going, because in the back of his mind, he knew there was a chance that he and Catherine might be able to get this problem sorted out and be together again. It was a long shot, but Kaidan would take any hope he could get.


	18. Trouble - Part II

_Author's Note: Thanks to_ **drapeaubateau** _and _**sirius ordo**_ for the follow and_ **drapeaubeateau**_ and _**Rowan Bowie**_ favorite!__ I've noticed that I haven't gotten any reviews for several chapters now. It'd be nice to know what you think, especially after this chapter, since things are going to get very interesting! This chapter will be from both Catherine and Kaidan's perspectives. Enjoy!_

* * *

"I swear, if this countermeasure Mordin made doesn't work, I'm going to kill him myself!" Jack growled over the comm to Catherine. She was still getting used to everything around her. Jack wasn't making it any easier, but at least Garrus was here to give her some sense of stability. It was more than she could have asked for, to have someone from her old crew willing to come back with her. It was easier to transition, and she didn't doubt that it was intentional. Regardless, it was greatly appreciated.

At the moment, she and the other two were carefully walking through the outskirts of the massive colony on Horizon. When she'd gotten the mission from the Illusive Man, her blood had chilled. She was aware that she and Kaidan had planned on visiting it two years ago, and that now the colony was in danger of being abducted. But what had nearly sent her into a full-blown panic was hearing that Kaidan was actually there, trying to help the colony.

_That would be something he would do._ she remembered thinking when she heard. Right after she realized she hadn't even thought to try to contact him. She'd been around in the media, for sure, and she hadn't even tried to contact Kaidan once. He hadn't crossed her mind until that moment and it made her feel unwell. Had Cerberus tried erasing her memories of him to improve her efficiency with the mission? If that was the case, then why bother mentioning he was on Horizon, and in very immediate danger?

Catherine had donned her armor with a certain anxiety that was calmed when Garrus had stepped over to her and offered to check her weapons for her before they left. She hadn't realized she'd been so nervous, but it was clearly enough that even he could pick up on it. Since picking him up, she'd spent more than a fair amount of time talking with him, and being in his company. He was familiar, that was all she could chalk it up to be.

But now, as they moved through the silent colony, she felt her heart skip a beat when she spotted the dragon's teeth, with half-converted husks on them.

"Reaper tech?" Garrus said quietly, just as confused as she was. Jack casually approached the objects, and Catherine had to struggle not to yell at her to step away.

"What the fuck are these things?"

"It's what the Reapers use to turn humans into husks." Catherine said, motioning for them to keep going. "I don't like seeing it here, when we're supposed to be going after the Collectors." she pulled her pistol up again, already feeling her biotics begin to hum, and build up. She'd gone through a few exercises to test her new implant, and work on new techniques. She was far from mastering anything, but it felt good to have something to focus on during all of this.

"Up ahead!" Garrus whispered, hunkering down behind a pod, "I see movement."

"I see it to." she looked over to Jack. "Get ready, I'm going to try to flank them." Jack gave a curt nod, crouching down and flaring a few times as she checked her thermal clip.

Catherine walked around the wall carefully, hearing several noises that she could only associate with some sort of insect. Knowing she was closer than she'd like, she waited until the gunfire started up before pulling herself up over the wall, glad to see that the attention was diverted from her location. She got in a few shots to take down one Collector before the rest turned their attention on her. Diving for cover from a series of attacks, she got nicked in the leg, watched as the medi-gel in her suit quickly sealed the spot before she could start bleeding. She popped back up and fired off a few shots before taking cover again, continuing this for several more minutes before the last of the Collectors went down.

"Let's see if we can get anything useful while we're here." Catherine said as she finally caught her breath. "It looks like we're getting closer to the heart of the colony, so maybe there's some survivors."

"I've already scanned and I don't see anything, but... We can check again." Garrus said, "It's possible these damn bugs are interfering with my scanners."

"Let's meet up at the other end in ten minutes." Catherine nodded, not holstering her gun just yet, but definitely relaxing some. As she walked through the houses, she saw every day activities being interrupted. Meals left untouched, chairs overturned. She walked past a bookshelf and then jumped, spotting a man frozen in a stasis with the bugs crawling over him. His eyes were moving as she felt her stomach churn. "You're going to be alright. I promise." she said before she quickly began sweeping for others, surprised that there were people everywhere, frozen as they tried running, or hiding. Eventually, she forced herself to head back to the other two, who looked just as terrified as she felt.

"I didn't realize there were still colonists, but I can't seem to get them out of stasis." Garrus said, his voice audibly shaking. Jack's silence, and downcast gaze was an indication of just how shaken up she was, as well.

"I know... But we have to keep moving to make sure the Collectors don't take this colony." Catherine said, sighing and motioning for them to continue on.

They began pushing through the colony at a pace that might have been just a little rushed, but Catherine couldn't stand the thought of anyone being subject to the Collectors for any reason. They deserved better and she was going to do whatever it took to bring them back to their homes. Every single person. That drive kept her focused, though her aim was a little sloppy, and her biotics were a little more chaotic. Jack made a small comment to her about needing to calm down, and she let out a small laugh.

"Thanks for the tip. Are you my therapist, now?" she smirked, dodging stray bullets as the Collectors fired on them from within the complex.

"Depends, how much are you going to pay me?"

"Not enough for all the shit you'd have to listen to, I know that." she laughed, gathering the biotic energy within her, nodding at Jack to do the same. On three, they both unleashed a powerful shockwave, throwing Collectors in the air like birds for Garrus to shoot down. While they were in the air, she took a moment to scan the battlefield, spotting just a few more hiding behind barriers. Ducking down, she heard four corpses crunch to the metal flooring and she popped the thermal clip from her pistol and slapped in a fresh one before she swiveled on her feet as she stood, aiming at the few that were now exposed from their hiding places. In moments, they were hurrying across the series of platforms and stairs, trying to reach the AA gun to fire at the Collector ship.

* * *

He thought he would have been prepared to see her - that he would be happy to see her in the flesh. As he looked over her, he felt so many different things. Above anything else, relief. It _was_ Catherine. But, just to be sure, he couldn't help but step closer, bringing his arms around her. He could hear her soft sigh as her arms wrapped just as tight around him. Kaidan hadn't missed the anxious look in her eyes, or the way that she carefully kept her hand over her holstered pistol. He'd more or less walked up out of nowhere, bitter, but relaxed. God, she even smelled the same.

"I thought you were dead." he said quietly, the words getting caught in his throat a bit.

"I've been getting that a lot lately." she laughed quietly. Neither one was willing to let go. Kaidan happened to glance over her shoulder as someone cleared their throat, Delan walking away, muttering his usual anti-Alliance bullshit.

Garrus was there. And some woman he didn't recognize, coated head to toe - probably literally - in tattoos, and barely dressed. From the distance, he could still feel the pull of her biotics. It was intense, wild, and powerful. She looked like she was about to punch Kaidan, just for the hell of it. But then Garrus said something, motioning for Jack to follow him away. What the hell was he doing with her? Had he been with Catherine this whole time? Had he known all of this?

"It's been a long time, Kaidan." she said as she pulled away, finally. Just enough to look him in the eye. He could have sworn he saw a glint of red in her green eyes. "How have you been?"

He wanted to talk to her, tell her how he nearly fell apart after she'd died. But that reminded him that she'd been alive for a few months now, and he'd only now heard from her. Anger shot through him and he forced himself to take another step back, unfortunately taking his arms away from her. He could see how much that hurt her.

"It's been two years since you died, Catherine. Do you seriously expect me to just act like you didn't die, and just skip over that? What about you, you're working with Cerberus. We've got intel that says they're behind these attacks."

"The Alliance isn't helping all of the human colonies that the Collectors have hit. Even these AA Towers didn't do shit against them, Kaidan. Someone needs to go stop them." she scowled, but still looking hesitant to fully unload on him. "You can see just as clear as I can that the Collectors are real, and that Cerberus isn't abducting human colonies." There was a small scoff that followed, "That sounds so stupid. The pro-human terrorists kidnapping members of their own species and leaving no trace? Come on, Kaidan, you're smart enough to know that's just propaganda."

"That may be, but you were a Spectre. The Council wouldn't allow you to work on your own to stop them? If you'd gone through them, at least I would know you were doing this on your own, and that you weren't being strung along by Cerberus." he shook his head and sighed heavily. "Catherine, this isn't who I thought you were. I thought you liked the Alliance."

"They wouldn't take me back... I've tried going through proper channels, I've even talked with Anderson. No one wants me back until they can be sure it's me. So for now, that means I use Cerberus' resources and go after the Collectors." There was a slight pause. "I've been in contact with Hackett. He says he's working on something to get me back, he doesn't like that this has to be done, but at least he seems to understand it."

"But why didn't you try to contact me?" his voice was strained, trying to hold back the tears. He couldn't stay mad at her, but he couldn't just walk away from his posting.

"Anderson wouldn't give me details, and without proper clearance, I couldn't get in contact with you again. I tried hacking into files, using my reinstated Spectre status... It was hard. Kaidan I tried, I really did. If nothing else, believe that I woke up wanting to know where you were."

"I can believe that." he said, looking at the ground, and going quiet for a while before he looked back up as she spoke.

"How have you been, though?" her arms were folded tightly around her body - it looked as though either she was sickly, or that her midsection had slimmed significantly. If she'd died, it was possible that she wasn't quite back to normal, just yet.

"Why do you care?"

"I just... want to know that you've been okay."

"I haven't been." he shrugged with a bit of an exasperated sigh, spotting a couple of crates where they could sit. He headed over, hoping she would follow. He needed to tell her that her dying had nearly done him in. She had to know how much he so badly wanted things to go back to normal, but that would never happen. Once they sat down, he looked over. "I really couldn't function for a few months, there. The Alliance made me go see a therapist before they would allow me to go on with assignments."

He was silent, debating whether he should tell her or not.

"There's more to that... You don't have to tell me right now, if you don't want to."

"It might be easier if I didn't. Not yet."

"I can wait." she said, smiling softly. He couldn't help but smile back at her.

"Anyway, after that Anderson offered me a job working as a bodyguard for him for a few months to help me get back in the hang of things. Then I went home for a few weeks before I was sent off to an Asari training camp to expand some of my biotics. You would have liked it there, they push hard. But I spent more than enough time there, and right after that I was sent here. I've been here for... I don't know four months?"

"I've only been up an running around for the past... I don't know, two or three months, maybe?" Catherine sighed and looked over to where Garrus and the other woman were walking from.

"Shepard, Miranda wants us back, the shuttle's on it's way."

"Alright." she looked back to Kaidan, and seemed to chew on her lip a moment before deciding whatever it was she'd been thinking about. "I know you don't trust Cerberus, but can you at least trust me and Joker to get you to the Citadel? Last I remember you weren't too great at flying shuttles long-distance. And I know you could use some real food."

Kaidan's blood chilled at the thought of being aboard a Cerberus shuttle, and ship. But... He was curious as well as aware that she was right about what she'd said. He gave a curt nod before Catherine told him they would wait if he wanted to grab anything. He didn't have anything truly important with him. Clothes could be replaced. Everything he needed or wanted was on his omni-tool.

"I don't need to grab anything." he said quietly, looking around. The colony was lost, so no one could blame him for leaving his post, could they? Or if they did, maybe a conversation with Hackett or Anderson could clear things up. They at least seemed willing to hear him out before making judgement. Kaidan looked to Catherine, and saw her give him the briefest of a smile. Much as he wanted to return it, the anxiety of the decision he just made wasn't making him feel all that friendly.

"Glad to see you've been doing well for yourself, Kaidan." Garrus finally spoke up, walking over as Catherine went to chat with the other woman.

"I'm honestly surprised to see you here. And... working with Cerberus, for that matter."

"Put Cerberus aside for just one moment, please..." Garrus seemed a little on edge, "Are you really mad at Shepard, or are you just mad at who she's momentarily allying herself with?"

"Momentary alliance or not, I stuck to what I believed in, and I would have expected nothing less from her."

"She tried." he said quietly, both turning to look at her, "I was there when she tried contacting Hackett, and talked to Anderson. They both stonewalled her, and said until she could prove that it was really her, they couldn't do much to help. It's not like the Illusive Man is giving her much of a choice, either. She's constantly getting tasks from him to do this, or go find that. It's not easy on her, and she's doing what she thinks is best."

"I don't doubt what you're saying. I just..." he sighed. "I just wish that this didn't have to happen. And honestly I don't know that she doesn't actually want to be working with them. I mean, the gear you have is way more advanced than some of the best stuff I've seen in the Alliance."

"The perks of dealing with mercs and pirates in the Terminus." Garrus shrugged, almost looking like he was smiling. He then reached out, and lightly smacked Kaidan's shoulder. "Don't worry, I can keep an eye on her, for you, once you leave. That's what I've been doing since the beginning."

"And why didn't you try to contact me, either?" Kaidan said, suddenly feeling a bit of anger at him, too.

"How about I tell you when we're not around the psychotic biotic, over there. She gets a little edgy when people mention certain things around her."

"She's certainly something else..." he said, noting the way the other woman seemed to casual about practically screaming profanities about this Miranda character. "I appreciate you looking after her, regardless. If I can't be there... I'm glad you can."

"Now Kaidan, don't be going all soft on me, you know I'm not good with emotions."

He laughed, having missed Garrus' odd humor that just seemed to work. Especially with the amount of snark he'd put into that comment. It felt strangely good to be talking and laughing with someone he hadn't exactly gotten to know that well. But he had a feeling that they could become good friends, given the proper time. And now that they had something in common - wanting Catherine to remain on the right course - he didn't imagine it being too difficult to form a bond.

The white and orange shuttle arrived, landing not too far away. The four walked to the shuttle, and Kaidan swore he could feel the wrongness of this situation slowly wrapping its way around his throat, threatening to choke and kill him.


	19. Trouble - Part III

_Author's Note: Thank you to _**DustieRhoades,****Lisbeth Q,**_ and_ **tj2413 **_for the follow, and _**DustieRhoades**_ for the favorite! I know this story is going super off-course from what was in game, but I wish there had been some way for these two to talk things out, or at least get some time together. So, enjoy my mini-AU!_

* * *

Catherine knew Kaidan was going to be on edge the whole time he was on the Normandy. He had every reason to be, and frankly she was still on edge at times and she'd already been here for some time. The second they exited the shuttle, she turned to him, hoping they could talk. Instead, she noticed just how tired, and worn out he was. She put her hand on his shoulder, offering him a smile and a motion to follow her into the elevator. Miranda was waiting just inside of it, though.

"Shepard, the Illusive Man-" she cut off, clearly surprised at Kaidan's presence. "Who is this?"

"None of your business, Miranda. Tell the Illusive Man I'll contact him as soon as I'm able. I have a few things I need to take care of that are more important." she said sharply. Miranda eyed over Kaidan once more before giving a silent nod, pushing the buttons for the crew level and the cabin.

"I'd also like to talk to you when you have the time. It's a personal matter."

"I'll do my best to remember." she smiled, knowing that it took a large amount of trust for Miranda to divulge any personal information. When the doors open she stepped out without another word, leaving the two alone.

"Who was that?" Kaidan muttered.

"Miranda Lawson. She's my second in command."she paused, figuring it wouldn't hurt to talk more. "I didn't really like her too much at first, but... I've enjoyed getting to know her. She's got an interesting past, and I'd share, but I don't think she'd appreciate that very much."

"Good to see you still make an effort to get to know everyone past their jobs." he said with a smile and the smallest of a laugh.

"I haven't changed completely." she hummed, leading him out of the elevator into a small... well it was a room just outside the cabin. Which was much bigger than he'd been expecting it to be. "Go ahead and take your armor off. There's also a shower in there if you want to use it." she said. "I can go find some fresh clothes for you." Catherine was already moving to walk back out when he gently grabbed her forearm, stopping her.

"Thank you." he said quietly, giving her the smallest of smiles. He knew she didn't have to do any of this, but he also knew she was doing it because that's the kind of person she was. It was getting harder to believe that she was a clone, with every second he saw. No clone would be able to know how she'd looked at him with those beautiful green eyes.

"Take your time." she whispered, gently sliding from his grip as she left him alone in the massive cabin. He took a moment to look around, before sighing and heading into the bathroom, shedding his armor that was scuffed, and apparently also cracked. He scowled, knowing he'd have to buy new armor once he was back on the Citadel. When he looked at the shower, he smiled. It was littered in her bottles, and the room itself smelled of her. A light, fruity smell. He couldn't place his finger on it, but it was comforting.

He'd nearly forgotten what it felt like to have a shower, and to be able to take his time. He stood under the spray for a good fifteen minutes before he heard a knock.

"Kaidan? Is it alright if I come in?"

"Sure." Strangely enough, he didn't feel weird about her walking in while he was taking a shower. She came in holding some folded up clothes, a fresh towel, and then she stopped.

Something washed over him just as her eyes did, and it made him feel warm. She cleared her throat and looked away with a blush rising to her face before her eyes moved too far down, and he almost laughed.

"Got some clothes for you. And I figured you might not want to walk around smelling like me, so I told Joker he could share his soap for a few days." she stepped closer and handed the bottle over. Kaidan took it and laughed.

"Joker's here too?"

"Yeah..." she said with a sad smile. "Alliance wouldn't let him fly, so... He left and found someone who would let him."

"That's... Unfortunate." he nodded, looking down at the bottle. "I'll have to talk to him after I've rested a bit."

"Yeah." she swallowed thickly, and then took a few steps back. "Well, I'll be right out here at my desk if you need anything." She happened to glance over him once more and he could have sworn the color of her face was nearly as bright as her hair. He waited until the door shut again to let out a small chuckle. Good to know some things really hadn't changed. Like the way he could affect her. Though, had their roles been reversed, he was sure he wouldn't have been any different.

* * *

The shirt he'd thrown on were a little loose around his shoulders, but rather snug everywhere else. Kaidan was just glad there wasn't a Cerberus logo, or colors, anywhere on the whole of his current outfit.

"Jacob said he never really liked that shirt anyway." Catherine chuckled as she pulled her shirt off near the closet, without warning. Kaidan almost blushed, but he figured he could get some payback now and get a good look at her.

It came as a shock to him that he so easily fell back to someone who cared for her, instead of someone he should be angry with for her betrayal. Then again, she was offering him a ride home. A comfortable one, at that. But... No. She'd turned her back on him, she made that clear when she showed up with Garrus, of all people. He didn't really think the two were that close. But maybe he was wrong. Maybe Garrus happened to be in the right place at the right time. At least she had a few friendly faces.

"Catherine, can we... talk?" he asked, his own voice sounding foreign and off to him. She paused as she pulled a tank top over her head, and nodded.

"Yeah. Just give me a minute to brush my teeth, and we can talk." she smiled, heading towards the bathroom.

Kaidan sighed quietly, running a hand through his still damp hair. They had a lot to discuss. He wasn't even sure where to begin. From the beginning? No, that might be too traumatic for her. But... Where else was there to start from? When had she run into Garrus? That seemed like an odd question. How did she run into Joker? Why was Miranda her XO? Questions swarmed him, and threatened him with a headache until he felt the couch shift beside him. Kaidan glanced up from the coffee table, and looked at her, seeing that red glint in her eyes. He frowned.

"What's wrong?" she asked softly.

"Your eyes are... red?"

"Oh... Yeah." she smiled sheepishly. "I'm pretty much half robot." she laughed lightly, though she looked uncomfortable. And Kaidan could feel the horror, and regret for her situation wash over his face. "I'm not bothered by it. It's just been something to get used to, you know?" she looked up, and could apparently see he wanted to ask why this was the case. "Let me just give you a brief summary of what happened after... Well after I sent Joker off."

"You don't have to-"

"I don't ever want to say these things, but you above anyone else should know." her eyes momentarily scanned his, and he was able to see the green again. "Kaidan, after I sent Joker's pod away, I was... floating through space. I thought I was fine until I started feel a chill wash over me. And not just the chill of space like you get on Arcturus, but it felt like someone was pouring dry ice into my suit. It hurt." she sighed. That was just the beginning of her story, and as she went on, explaining in very simple terms what her body had gone through. "Miranda can fill you in, if you have questions. She was the project lead." Catherine briefly stated, before continuing on.

Half her limbs, organs, tissue, muscle... Useless. She had to be _rebuilt_ from samples. He was amazed that she had been in one piece at all when they found her, but to be resurrected from the dead? Cerberus didn't have his approval overall, but if they could do things like this... Maybe it wasn't all bad. Kaidan could only compare it to something he'd once said, about aliens. In the beginning, during the First Contact War, and even a few years after it, aliens were seen as big, bad, and scary. Though there were a few, like the asari, who showed that they weren't all bad. Cerberus had a few spots of good light, though unfortunately most of it was tainted, and needed to be destroyed as soon as possible.

"- after Freedom's Progress, well... I knew I had to do something." she shrugged. "So I went to the Citadel, called up Hackett. He, uh... didn't really want to trust me, since I came in on a Cerberus ship. He said he wanted to make sure that I wasn't just a joke, or trying to betray him. It hurt a lot." her voice grew quieter with each word. For a minute, there was silence.

Kaidan's knuckles where white, trying to hold back from throwing his arms around her. She'd been through so much, yet not once did she cry. She'd come close several times, but she'd held firm.

"After Hackett basically told me I couldn't come back, I decided to go to the Council. All they did was give me my status back, and tell me to more or less keep all the ugly shit out of the neighborhood." she scoffed, leaning forward and rubbing her hands on her face. "I tried going through the proper channels, really. I just... No one else is doing anything but Cerberus."

"I can see why you made your decision now." he nodded, "You don't know how happy it makes me that they weren't your first choice. Or your second." Kaidan finally reached out and put his hand on her shoulder. She looked up with a smile. "You tried to do what you could with people you trusted. And I can forgive you, if you can promise me you'll come back to the Alliance when you've kicked the Collector's collective asses."

"Oh god, did you really just say that?" she groaned, grinning from ear to ear. He laughed and nodded.

"I thought you might like that."

"You're awful." she shook her head, laughing even more. God, how he'd missed that sound. He'd missed all of her, really, but of everything, her laughing and smiling was what he'd missed the most. "But, yeah... I'll go back when I'm done with the Collectors. You just make sure to get them as ready as they can be for the Reapers when they come."

"I'll do what I can." he nodded, the somber mood returning quickly.

They both sat in silence for some time, and as he leaned back, he was a bit surprised to find Catherine moving to lean against him. He wasn't sure what there was between them.

"So you've told me what you've been up to... I think maybe it's my turn to do the same."

"Kaidan, it's late-"

"Not even one little story of adventure?" he laughed. She sighed.

"Fine. One story. Then we should both really get some sleep."

He grinned, and started telling her about one of his more memorable missions - the one that had earned him the rank of Commander. As he got to talking, he saw her eyes slowly begin to drift shut. After he was done with that story, he told another, surprised when she didn't object, until soon enough he heard a soft sigh come from her. He finished off his story, just to be safe, and then turned slightly. Should he put her in the bed, and risk waking her? Should he let her sleep on him on the couch? It wasn't exactly comfortable. But where would he be sleeping? He decided putting her into bed would be for the best, right now.

She was small, and light in his arms. Clearly, she'd been forgetting to eat. He'd have to make sure someone kept an eye on her after he left. He pushed the blanket back from the bed, and laid her down gently, watching as she cracked her eyes with a sleepy smile.

"You gonna go to sleep to?" she asked quietly.

"I'm uh... not really sure where to go." he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. She giggled and reached out for his other hand with both of hers.

"You can stay with me. Easier that way."

"You're sure?"

"Mhm." she nodded her head, and scooted closer to the edge, as if he needed the entire rest of the bed.

Kaidan walked around to the other side, and pulled the blanket back, turning down the light closest to him as he sat down. The bed was incredibly soft, and he could already feel the tension leaving his body as he shifted to lay down. He laid on his side, facing Catherine's backside as she easily fell back asleep. He wanted to reach out and touch her - hold her. Kaidan wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. Then again, considering where he was, he decided it didn't matter, and he carefully scooted himself closer to her, putting one arm hesitantly around her. If he woke up with a bloody nose, or a broken bone tomorrow, he'd know why. But he hoped Catherine wouldn't be mad. He missed her, that's all. She was finally back, and he could grasp why she'd done the things she'd done. He wasn't happy with it, by any means, but at least she was being reasonable, and watching her back.

And soon, he was asleep. For the first time in a very long time, he slept peacefully through the night, without dreams or nightmares. It passed quickly, and when he woke up, his back felt a bit sore, like he'd been thrown to the ground one too many times. But it also felt nice - though that could have been because of the limbs tangled in his own, and the warmth radiating from them.

He opened his eyes, momentarily forgetting that yes, he was in the same bed with Catherine. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes as he hesitantly reached up to stroke a hand over her hair, afraid that he had started dreaming and that this was a cruel twist. He was afraid he would wake up back on Horizon, and Catherine would still be dead. She would remain dead. As easy as that was to accept, he didn't want that fate. He would rather have her rebuilt by Cerberus - alive again - than to have to relearn how to cope with the loss he'd felt. As unnatural as it was, it was better than the alternative.

Her hair was still soft, and he nearly whimpered as he clutched her to himself. Though he was careful not to move her so much that she might wake. The longer she was asleep, the longer they could stay here. He closed his eyes and let himself cry, silent as his body shook with each sob. Though he felt her move and he loosened his hold, holding his breath as he watched her.

She brought her palm up to her eye, rubbing the sleep out before she paused, and snapped her head up, looking at him for a moment with a haunted expression before he saw the smile slowly ease itself onto her face. Her eyes began to water, and Kaidan pulled her against him without a thought, not wanting her to cry for any reason. Her arms clutched to him, and Kaidan felt the heaving in her chest as she tried to calm herself before she'd even started crying.

"I thought I'd been dreaming about yesterday." she said softly when she pulled her face from his chest.

"Me too." he said, laughing once, and then bringing his hand up to cup her cheek. He looked her in her eyes for a moment before he decided to lean in closer, his nose brushing against hers. He could feel her take in a small breath, tensing slightly. He was too close to be able to look at her face and try to figure out what was going through her mind. Though, she didn't push him away, which was a good sign.

"Kaidan-" she whispered to him, her arms growing tighter around him as she tried pulling him closer. He smiled, and pressed his lips against hers.

A flood of memories came back to him. Their outing on the Citadel, the time they'd spent in her old cabin, laying on the bed and just talking, the night before Ilos, all the nights and days on shore leave... The morning of the attack. He pulled back from their soft kiss.

"God, I've missed you." he barely choked out before both went in for another kiss, charged with emotions and things that had gone unspoken for so long. She let out the softest of moans from the back of her throat, pulling herself over him legs and all. He had forgotten just how nice she tasted, and how easily he could give in to her. Even if he didn't agree with her means of achieving this goal, he understood where she was coming from, and why she had to do this a certain way. And she was still Catherine, regardless of what he'd heard about her being rebuilt.

"I really wish you could help me out here... I can't tell you how much more at ease I would be." she said quietly as she sat back a bit, running her hand over his chest.

"You know that would be a terrible idea. Even if I could get clearance for leave, I don't think this would be a great fit for me."

"No, it wouldn't." she smiled and glanced up. "You like your rules, and knowing your place in everything."

"I can still help you, though. No one can get me in trouble for just talking with you, or..."

"Or..?"

"Well I don't want to assume anything-"

"Oh." she blushed with a grin and glanced over at her fish tank for a moment.

"I'm never going to be able to stop caring about you, I know that much. I'm just not sure the current situation would be great for... trying to figure things out between us."

"Then can we just enjoy being with each other right now, and promise to figure it out later?" she asked, her voice very timid, and everything but the voice of authority he'd grown used to long ago. Her gaze was piercing though. He let out a small laugh, and looked around for a moment, before he could feel his own gaze growing intense as he looked over her, aware of the small differences he could see just on her face. A few less freckles, yet her eyes were clearer. No more scar on her eyebrow, but her lips were a little fuller.

"I think I could deal with that." he said, feeling her shift closer to him before he could register what was going on. Not that he cared, right now, though.


	20. An Experience

_Author's Note: Hey everyone! I'd just like to give a little notice: after this chapter, my username will be changing from Analya-Shepard to Aliemah. This is to make it easier to find me across various sites. If you didn't already know, I'm posting stories on AO3 as well, and if you follow me on tumblr I occasionally post little stories there, as well. I thought I'd give those of you who are following me a nice little heads up so that if you see an alert and you don't recognize the user, at least you'd have something to reference._

_Thanks for putting up with my ridiculous updating schedule and reading along with ! I hope you enjoy this chapter!_

* * *

She'd been a little nervous to show herself to him after it being so long since they'd last spoken, really. Had she known things might end up like this she would have cleaned herself up. But, she hadn't woken up the previous morning knowing that she'd end up having Kaidan back in her arms. God, his lips hadn't changed at all, leaving patches of tingling skin behind as he ran them all along her neck once her shirt came off. Her breath hitched a couple of times, especially when he leaned her back with his tongue leaving a cold trail from her throat down to her chest. Then he paused, the tips of his fingers at the base of her skull and toying with her hair.

"What is it?" she asked, nearly breathless.

"Nothing." Kaidan said. Catherine lowered her gaze an saw him smirking up at her, doing terrible things to her insides. "I suppose Cerberus couldn't have known every little detail about you, now could they?"

As if to make it more obvious, she watched as he pressed the flat of his tongue to her nipple, flicking it up before bringing his whole mouth down to her breast. She let out a breathy laugh that was quick to return to soft moans as his fingers darted beneath the hem of her pants and between her legs. She jumped, unintentionally pressing into him and sending them both backwards on the bed. She caught herself before she hit the wall, looking down and laughing with him as they both sat up and parted. She threw off the rest of her clothes just as he did the same, and they readjusted themselves on the bed in a relatively calm manner, willing to try that again with less accidents.

She laid on her side facing him, both of them having calmed down from the initial excitement. Much as she was sure Kaidan wouldn't have minded something a little more spontaneous and rough, that just didn't seem like him. But as she reached up, gently trailing a few fingers down from his temple to his jawline that was covered in stubble, then up to his lips, she felt a sense of serenity in this moment. It was perfect. His hand roamed over her back, admiring her fresh, clean, flawless skin. Though he did express some heartbreak over seeing the loss of the tattoo along her side, knowing how much it meant to her.

She nudged him with her leg, and managed to roll him on his back, crawling over him with a gentle kiss that felt more like Kaidan. Catherine had missed the gentle way he treated her, as if she were made of glass as opposed to steel. Every now and then she loved being treated like she was more fragile than she was, like if she broke or was unhappy everything would fall apart. Kaidan made her feel like she was more important than anyone or anything in the galaxy. And now, looking down at him, that knowing, yet still innocent smile on his face, she couldn't have felt any luckier that he was here with her right now.

"Catherine, as much as I'm loving the view, I was also planning on getting some form of food today." he chuckled, his hands appreciatively running over her backside, giving her a gentle squeeze. She grinned and lowered herself to plant a kiss on his forehead.

"Nope, you're going to have to starve." she smirked, lowering her body just enough that she brushed against him. Watching his body shiver, she suspected that maybe it had been a long time since he'd last been with anyone. Much as she wanted to ask, the pressure on her backside, pressing her towards him, was more than enough of a distraction that she was willing to go along with.

Both let out a relieved sigh once she'd managed to slide herself down, biting her lower lip as she felt herself blush, knowing he was looking at her without having to look back. There wasn't much else for him to look at, but she knew it was more than that. Catherine knew Kaidan loved her, the words just hadn't been explicitly stated. She knew her actions spoke for how she felt about him, too. Finally looking down, she smiled as she pressed her hands to his chest for support, slowly moving herself to properly enjoy what time she had with him.

As usual, he was attentive to every inch of her body. Even when she thought she couldn't feel any better, he found something to prove her wrong - typically with his biotics. It was exciting, to say the least. She'd never thought of using her own biotics in that way, but maybe now she'd have more incentive to learn how to really fine tune her control the way he had. Though, Kaidan had always had a tight grasp on his biotics out of fear. At least now it seemed he was more relaxed, and less fearful of accidentally hurting her. For a brief moment, she realized that in the past she'd never been this sensitive to his touch. It was almost like her nerves were just feeling things for the first time. In some ways, it was true. But the way her heart was racing, and the level of pleasure she'd gotten from him repeatedly was... Well a little concerning. Not that she was about to take any of it back, if she was easier to please, it made everything easier.

Either way, she found herself watching as he closed his eyes, ready to sleep the rest of the night away. It was strange that they'd both woken up in the middle of the night like that, worried that the previous day had been a dream. But yesterday had been real, and she hadn't realized how much she missed watching the rise and fall of his chest as he slept until now. She snuggled in closer, wanting to get a bit more sleep as well. Yesterday had already been much more than she'd anticipated, and tonight had only added to it.

* * *

Catherine had been hoping to avoid running into anyone on her run down to the mess to grab a snack. From what she'd been able to gather, everyone was taking advantage of their few days of uninterrupted travel, so the Normandy was fairly silent. She hadn't even really dressed herself, she'd just thrown on the first thing she grabbed from her wardrobe that was decent.

In the elevator, once the doors shut, she let out a soft groan, practically doubling over with a grin on her face despite the pain she felt in her core, back, legs... _everything_ hurt, but in one of the best ways she could think of. Catherine knew Kaidan wasn't one to casually have sex with just anyone, so even if things weren't exactly settled concerning their private relationship, the fact that the past few hours had happened at all spoke volumes about what he hoped would become of their relationship. She was hopeful, and confident that everything would work out.

As soon as the elevator slowed, she forced herself upright again, and stepped out when the doors opened, the silence practically screaming to her. She walked quietly to the small kitchen, and found whatever she could fit on a tray to take back up to the cabin. It was only a minute into her search when she heard a door open somewhere, and she glanced up, considerably neutral to see Miranda was coming over. For once, she wasn't in her usual outfit, but rather she was actually in something that resembled pajamas. They looked cute on her. Catherine gave her a soft smile and stood up again.

"Hey there." she called out.

"Hello." Miranda looked over her, and then cracked a soft smile as she stepped around Catherine to grab a bottle of water from the fridge. "You look like you slept well last night, for a change. I can't possibly imagine why that might be."

"Strangest thing, isn't it." she chuckled, looking around for anything else to eat. She couldn't find anything so she settled against the counter, looking across at Miranda for a moment. "So, while I'm here, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Oh, that." Miranda looked around and then sighed, "You remember me telling you about how my father more or less grew me in a lab, right? Well, I have a sister, too. When I ran away from him, I took her with me. I didn't want her to grow up under those same conditions. I found her a nice little family, so she could have a normal, happy life away from him..."

"I take it your father wasn't too happy about that."

"Not at all. He's been hunting for her. I've already had to relocate the family a couple times, but now I worry that he's finally got her. The sooner we can take care of this, the easier it would be."

"Where is her family?"

"They're on Illium. I've set up another relocation, but it's just a few kilometers off from where they are now. Not too much to disturb their lives completely like before."

"I'll talk to Joker, and see if we can't make a stop there before hitting the Citadel..." she smiled, stepping over and putting a hand on Miranda's shoulder. "We'll keep your sister safe."

"We should stop at the Citadel first, and drop off your friend..." Miranda shook her head, though she smiled. "I appreciate you making the effort, regardless. We can talk more later, if you'd like."

Illium _was_ a bit out of the way, but Catherine knew how important family could be, especially since it seemed like Miranda didn't particularly talk to her sister all that often. Maybe she'd ask about it later. For now, they both went back to their respective rooms, Catherine balancing a full tray on one arm while she pulled up her omni-tool on the other to browse through a few messages.

When she walked back into the cabin, the lights were still dim, and it looked like Kaidan had fallen back asleep. She carefully set the tray down on the coffee table once her omni-tool shut off, and she walked closer, grinning as she saw him laying face down, clutching her pillow to his bare chest while the blanket rested on his waist, covering him. She doubted he'd gotten much sleep since he'd been stationed on Horizon, but she wanted to keep spending time with him, and getting to know him again. Though he deserved a break, and some proper rest.

Pulling her shorts and t-shirt off, she slipped herself back under the covers of the bed, trying not to wake him. Though she should have known he'd wake up at the slightest motion. His head lifted and he smiled at her, gently putting her pillow back and opting to pull her to his chest, this time. The giddiness that surged through her when she felt his warm hand against her waist was equally exciting. Her skin easily glided over the sheets until his bare body stopped hers. Catherine giggled quietly as she stretched her neck a bit, planting a firm kiss on his lips before she settled against him. The feeling of her legs tangling with his and both of them holding the other in their arms was the feeling she had when she was at peace, relaxed, and comfortable. The softest of sighs from him rolled over her neck as he tucked her head beneath his chin. Pulling the blanket up to combat the chill, she found that he was very warm, and soon she felt herself getting drowsy, eyes closing as she listened to his soft breathing.

* * *

When Kaidan woke up, his head was throbbing, and opening his eyes was painful with the light from the empty fish tank. He tried rolling over and while he could open his eyes, his head was still in pain. He didn't have any of his medication. He should have gone back to get it. He'd have to wait until they got to the Citadel to get more. Groaning, Kaidan tried to keep himself calm, so not to aggravate his migraine more.

"Kaidan?" he heard Catherine say in a sleepy voice. "What's wrong?"

"Migraine..." he grumbled, appreciate her cold hand on his back. "Could you-"

"Let me go get Chakwas for you." she said, shifting. He could hear clothing being pulled on, and he wondered suddenly when Chakwas had boarded the Normandy. There wasn't much time to ask. He felt something heavy land across his hip and he reached down, realizing his was the pair of pants he'd worn earlier before... He smiled and moved carefully to pull them on, and then rolled onto his back, throwing his forearm over his eyes while he waited. It felt like hours but he heard the door open quietly, along with a box likely filled with empty needles and other emergency supplies.

"Hello, Kaidan." Karen said with a cheerful, quiet voice. "It's been a while since I've seen you."

"It has been." he said, smiling a little, feeling the bed shift as Catherine no doubt sat on his other side.

"Can you tell me how bad this is on a scale of 1 to 10?"

"Probably a 6." he mumbled.

"Alright. Just give me a minute to see what I can do for you." she said, carefully moving things around in her bag. Kaidan felt cold fingers slide between his, and he gripped her hand tightly, for reassurance. He wasn't sure what he would be doing if Chakwas weren't here - she knew him better than any other doctor he'd served with. After a couple more minutes, she gently tapped the arm covering his eyes. "I have something for you that should last through until tonight. I want you to come see me after you've eaten dinner." He lowered his arm after shutting his eyes, feeling the injection. Once she tapped his arm again, he threw it back over his eyes, sighing.

"Thank you."

"Of course. If it gets worse-"

"I'll come get you." Catherine said quietly, the sound nearly breaking his heart. She sounded so sincere, and worried about him. Weak to some, maybe. He knew better.

"Good. And you make sure to get something to eat, too. We've talked about this." Chakwas said as she packed her things up and headed out promptly.

"I'll eat." she sighed, laying down beside Kaidan again. Then there was silence. "Let me know when you start feeling a little better, alright?" she said as her head rested on his chest. He hummed in agreement, wanting to keep as still and quiet as possible while he was still suffering. Though it didn't last very long. He hesitantly pulled his arm off his eyes, pleased that the light from the fish tank wasn't blinding him anymore, or causing the throbbing in his head to get worse.

"Hey." he said softly, nudging her. She lifted her head, and smiled as her hand touched his cheek.

"That didn't take long. I left earlier to grab some food, it's on the coffee table." she said as she sat up. "Do you... want me to bring it over?"

"No, we can go sit over there." he said, pushing himself to sit up as well, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and then pushing himself up carefully. His legs were holding beneath him and the gentle throbbing in his head was nothing more than an annoyance he was sure some food might fix.

He walked over to the couch and sat in the same spot he had just last night, though he didn't dare touch his back to the leather, already feeling just how cold it was through his pants. Catherine, fortunately, brought over his shirt, and waited until he put it on to lean against him again. She seemed like she was craving being near him, but if he were being honest with himself, he was feeling the same way. He didn't know how he'd be faring if he hadn't chosen to come with her. Probably regretting it, first and foremost, and maybe even wanting to apologize for some of the things he said. If he hadn't come he wouldn't have known all that he did now, about how she'd tried contacting others for help.

"Eat." she said, practically shoving a granola bar into his mouth. He grinned and snatched it from her before she could shove it down his throat, taking a smaller bite just to see how his body would take it.

"I should be telling you that." he said around his food, finally leaning back and gently tossing his arm around her to pull her closer. "You're a bit lighter and thinner than I remember you being."

"Rude." she said, giving him a light shove.

"No, really. You don't exactly look healthy. Have you been eating?" he asked, looking down at her.

"Not really." she mumbled. "It's been hard for me, between all the recruiting, and now all these personal favors... And I've been worrying about you a lot too, I haven't been able to find anything about you anywhere."

"I know. I haven't really done too much, anyway, I spent almost a year just trying to get back on my feet." He glanced down. "Did Anderson tell you I was working with him for a little bit?"

"No, he didn't. What did you do?" she looked up, and Kaidan could have sworn he was looking at a child the way her eyes shone, and the smile on her face. It was adorable and he couldn't help himself from leaning down to kiss her lightly before he continued.

"I just worked on his personal detail for a few months, to help get me back in some sort of routine that wasn't too stressful. The most stressful it got was having to remove someone from the room after they got upset." He chuckled. "It wasn't much fun, but... It was better than doing nothing."

She kept asking for more stories from him, and he had plenty to tell as they ate. He made sure the food was split mostly in half, giving her more than himself. Before he knew it, he glanced over at the clock and saw that half the day was gone. He'd asked her if she had to go do anything and she shook her head.

"If anyone needs me, they know how to contact me. And I've specifically asked not to be bothered if I'm in here, unless it's urgent. Everything else just goes to my messages and I look at that every night before I go to bed." Catherine shrugged, and sat up. "I should probably go shower, though. I feel a little gross.

"Well you don't look gross." he countered, wrapping his other arm around her and pulling her into his lap. Kaidan was rewarded with a giggle as she playfully fought against him, both knowing she wouldn't want to be anywhere else, right now. Eventually she calmed down and he rested his chin on her shoulder, closing his eyes. Then he gave a soft sigh. "I've missed you so much, Catherine."

"I've missed you too, Kaidan." she said quietly, turning to face him, both of her arms snaking around his neck to hold him.


	21. Sharing

_Author's Note: Shout out to_ **.9 **_for the favorite, _**pigooz **_for the favorite and follow, and _**spaceconveyor**_ for the follow.__ As you might be expecting... this chapter is mostly smut. No apologies. Reviews and suggestions for future chapters are welcome, hope you enjoy!_

* * *

"You can stay with me, if you want. At least for tonight." Catherine said quietly as she walked beside him off the Normandy, both doing their best to avoid attracting attention by taking a route that Kasumi had shown her. Kaidan had met Kasumi only once, and he wasn't quite sure what to think of her. She seemed... nice, but up to something. Catherine said that Kasumi was always like that, and not to be worried by it. He tried not to be.

"Did you get your apartment back?"

"Supposedly. It's not the same exact one, but I have a message from HQ with an apartment number, and access code." she hummed, pulling it up on her omni-tool. "At the very least, want to come check it out?"

"I can spare fifteen minutes." he grinned. Actually, Kaidan wasn't due to formally check in until tomorrow, for his hearing. He was going to do his best to explain more or less abandoning the colony, and hitching a ride on a Cerberus shuttle. He didn't doubt he'd be interrogated about the rogue organization for most of the day, tomorrow. "How long are you going to be here for?"

"A few days, at least. There's a couple leads I wanted to check out, and I wanted to stop by this new gun shop with Garrus- why are you laughing?"

"Just like you to indulge Garrus like that. I swear it's not healthy for anyone to like their gun that much." he grinned as he shook his head. "Either way, it sounds like you'll get to relax while you're here."

"I'm hoping so. But you never know with the people I tend to attract." Catherine grinned.

He called a cab for them, and soon they were off to the Alliance housing. After passing through the doors, he kept a careful eye on Catherine, wanting to make sure she didn't break down. there had been a few times over the past week that she'd seen something and a wave of emotion had come over her. She seemed fine, though, and they stepped into the elevator. After checking the number, he hit the floor number and they began climbing up the building rapidly, the world below shrinking and becoming insignificant. They stepped off soon after, and he followed her as they searched.

She stood in front of the door for a moment, just long enough to sigh, and then went to enter the access code. The door flashed yellow for a moment, and then green before it opened.

"You'd think they could use a different cleaner." she coughed as the smell came rushing out, along with cool air.

He knew it was going to be empty. It was a shame it was empty, because her old apartment had such character to it. A nice little couch with matching chairs, a coffee table, an actual table with chairs to eat at... Her bed wasn't half bad, either. It felt hollow as he glanced down at the vacuumed carpet spanning most of the apartment.

"Guess I forgot that I needed furniture." she muttered, bag slipped from her shoulder into her hand.

"Come on." he said, grasping her hand without a second thought, and pulling her along.

"What are you doing?"

"You're staying with me until you get what you need to actually live here. I'm not gonna let you sleep on the floor." He said, smiling and giving her another tug before she followed with a shy smile, hoisting the bag up onto her shoulder. She was silent, and withdrawn while they headed to his apartment several floors below. She looked pale, and ready to break again. He hoped she could hold it in until they got inside. Had he cleaned up before leaving?

"Immaculate as ever." she muttered with a smile when the door shut. "You're sure you don't mind this?"

"Is it any different than this past week?" he asked, pulling her bag off and then carrying it towards his room. "I don't imagine you want to be alone right now, anyway."

"It's nice to have company." she sighed. He glanced around the room, and in the bathroom quickly, before walking out, pleased it was as clean as he remembered. He saw her standing over by the shelf near his poor excuse of a dining table. Where he kept most of his photos, and what few items of hers that her mother hadn't minded if he kept.

One such item was in her hand - a rock she'd found in her boot from Virmire. He remembered she kept it, and worried it when she had thought about Ashley, or missed her. It had been worn smooth in less than a month. He couldn't help but want to keep a little memory of both of them when he'd seen it. She glanced over with a weary smile.

"How much of my stuff did mom let you keep?"

"Of your really personal items? Most of it." he shrugged, stepping over. "It's... mostly still in the box in the spare room. I only took a few things out because..." he sighed. "I don't know why."

"It's fine." she hummed, setting the rock back, and then glancing up at the photos. She grinned. "Kept all those too, hm?"

"My therapist said it wouldn't hurt to have something to remind me of you around..." he said, quickly regretting saying that.

"Therapist?"

"Yeah..." he rubbed the back of his neck. "Hackett made me see one before I could be cleared for duty again." he paused. "She was nice. I've... thought about going to see her every now and then, just to sort of... get things off my chest, you know."

"What happened?" she asked, looking horrified as she reached out and gripped his shoulder. He didn't know how else to tell her.

"I fell apart." he shrugged her hand off, turning to sit in the chair behind him. "I wasn't the only one, but I definitely took the longest to recover from it." Kaidan lifted his gaze from his hands to her face as she sat across from him. "Took me a little over a year, before I actually did something I felt was productive."

"Why didn't you tell me any of this?"

"I didn't want you to feel responsible for my mental state. No one could have known what was going to happen, but I'm... I'm doing better now. I'm not necessarily back to how I was, but I'm as good as it's going to get."

She was quiet for a moment, and she stepped over to wrap her arms around him, squeezing him tightly. He knew she couldn't think of anything to say, but he put both arms around her, and rested his head on top of hers. The feeling of having her here, having part of his life back, made emotions bubble up. They needed to talk about what would happen, now. While there was still a chance for them to do so. But he felt Catherine's shoulders jerk, and a soft sound came form her that was muffled by his shirt.

"Hey, now..." he brushed his hand over the back of her head, looking down as she lifted her head. "Let's go sit down." She nodded, and they turned to sit on his couch. She didn't let go of him entirely, her hand secured in his with a grip that he knew was tight with fear.

"I don't want to have to leave without you." she said softly before he got the chance to ask. "I can't tell you how amazing it's been to have you back." Catherine looked to the floor. "I really wish you could come with me." she said quieter.

"If I go with you, I'd only distract you and keep you from getting things done." he sighed, managing to pull his hand from hers and push her hair aside as his hand slid to rest on her shoulder, pulling her closer. "You've been doing such an amazing job already, I don't want you to give up, or slow down. The quicker you can finish this, the quicker things can go back to normal..."

"What even is normal, anymore." she sighed. "Once I'm done with the Collectors, we still have to deal with the Reapers. It's just one fight after another, and I'm already getting tired."

"You won't be fighting them alone. You still have Garrus, Tali... All of us. We're going to be there for you no matter what. Some of us just might not be right beside you."

"Why do you always have to be right about these things." she smiled, laughing quietly. He grinned and kissed the top of her head.

"Because you're right about everything else."

"Good answer." she grinned, leaning back with a sigh.

It felt good to just sit there in the quiet with his arm around her. She leaned over to kiss his cheek, and then her head was resting on his shoulder. He asked if she wanted to watch a vid, or something, since she seemed comfortable enough where they were. After a nod, some shuffling, and then readjusting themselves, he was laying down with his shoes on the floor beside hers, holding her as she laid on top of him, both watching the movie he'd blindly picked. He didn't watch them often enough, and he knew she probably hadn't either. It's not like they were going to watch it for very long anyway. He was certain they both knew that, but they could pretend for a little while.

Sure enough about 10 minutes in, Catherine had begun shifting slightly, her hands wandering along his chest. He glanced at her with a smile, and she grinned, pulling herself up to kiss him. Her teeth dug into his lower lip and he groaned, reaching to pull her closer, grinding himself against her in the process. He thought she could have waited at least another 20 minutes, but he wasn't about to complain. While their lips were locked he managed to pause the vid, and turn off the screen, letting his hand tangle itself in her hair as he held the back of her head. Catherine pulled her lips from his with a broad grin, sitting up once he loosened his hold on her head, hand falling to her waist.

"Is rude of me to ask if we can take this somewhere else?"

"Not at all." he smirked as he pulled her down against him, causing her to shriek with laughter as she fought against his grip while he sat up, planting his feet on the floor to hold her tighter and kiss her neck.

Apparently Catherine's only defense left was to kiss him, because he was soon being pushed into the back of the couch. After a moment, he pushed back, and stood up. At the same time he'd scooped her up, and her legs were locked around him the same as her arms were. As he walked in the general direction of the bedroom, she moved her mouth down to his chin, and then along his jaw, letting her teeth scrape at the stubble there. Her barely set her down before she rolled her body beneath him, his body pressing into her without him even thinking to do so.

Soon their hands were fumbling and grasping at their clothes, practically ripping them off and throwing them to the floor, or just tossing carelessly. He wished he could have taken his time with her, but maybe he would get that chance before one of them had to leave again. For now, he could give in to that mindless urge to just have her, and be with her. It was getting harder to ignore, each time.

Catherine giggled as she crawled back towards the center of the bed without her clothes to get in the way, Kaidan crawling after her with a grin as they settled against each other, things slowing down as he took his time to commit her body to memory once more. Her lips were the first thing on his list, and he eased her down onto his pillow, letting her hair spill around her head as his tongue darted out to leave a trail on her lips before parting them to explore her mouth. He could feel her nails lightly raking along the spot between his shoulders, and he groaned quietly into her mouth before taking a moment to catch his breath, kissing along her jaw like she had earlier.

He made a trail all the way down her body, covering her in kisses, grinning when she laughed as he found those ticklish spots again, and remembering the places that seemed to elicit a particularly strong reaction from her. Though the moment his lips passed her waistline, she was squirming, both aware of what he was doing.

"Kaidan," she said, getting him to stop for a moment and look up at her. Her eyes were dark and she grinned, scooting away from him just slightly so she could sit up a bit more and lean against the wall. One leg was flat while the other was bent, and Kaidan looped his arm beneath it to pull himself back where he wanted to be. "Go ahead." she giggled, biting her lower lip as she smiled.

Catherine gasped softly when he brought his tongue against her core, pressing it just enough to tease before he pulled it back and placed his whole mouth over her. He felt her fingers comb his hair back a bit as he gently sucked, getting a heady moan from her when she gripped his hair and pressed her hips towards him. Kaidan pushed his tongue within her, and was rewarded when she sighed, relaxing her hips as he caressed her, humming softly when he looked up and found her eyes were closed and her head was turned to her right. She was still biting her lip, harder than earlier and more to keep herself silent, he suspected.

She groaned with frustration, and opened her eyes when he removed his mouth, and began pulling her to lay down again. She smiled, but it wasn't until a few moments later she realized he'd hooked her leg over his shoulder, and she gave him a rather playful glare - her lips quirking just slightly - daring him to try something else.

"What is it?" he asked, leaning down and lightly pressing her leg towards her chest, grinning.

"You're a terrible man, Kaidan." she said quietly, then gasping again when he brushed his fingers over her. "God damn you." she groaned while he chuckled.

"You're too easy to tease, Catherine." he shrugged his shoulder, letting her leg slide down to the bed as he kissed her. She seemed to sigh with some relief, though judging by the way she jumped as his thumb happened to grace over her again, biotics humming and intensifying his touch. Catherine moaned softly, frustration lining the sound as she struggled to keep still beneath him.

"Kaidan, please-" she nearly whined after another minute of putting up with his teasing. He pulled his hand away and wrapped it around her waist as he pressed into her, his jaw going slack for a moment before he put his lips to her jaw, just beneath her ear.

It was too soon for him when she cried out his name, her biotics surrounding her this time, pulling him against her with a grip he couldn't escape. He was nearly there, but it just didn't look like it was going to happen. Her grip seemed to loosen up after a minute, but she didn't seem so willing to let him go just yet. Kaidan pressed a few kisses to her jaw, and then her fingers were combing through his hair again as she hummed softly.

"Need me to do anything for you?" she asked through her ragged breaths.

"I... wouldn't ask you to-"

"You don't have to, I'm offering." she said, letting him prop himself up a bit so they could look at each other. He smiled and sighed as his head dropped. He wanted it, but he didn't want to ask, or make her feel like she had to. When he looked up, he kissed her lightly and they took a moment to re-situate themselves.

It felt nice to lay back, and at the moment, Catherine was taking her time with him. His thumb was rubbing circles over her hip while she gave him something resembling a massage. He knew she was capable of doing more than she was, but for right now, she was just trying to get him to relax enough for her to work with. And it didn't take long before he was actually beginning to feel a bit worn out. He was about to tell her she could just relax with him, but she hit something and it shot through to his groin, making him groan.

"There we go." she whispered, clearly grinning as her hands began to wander over his chest again, like earlier. Then her voice was in his ear, "You're going to sit still for me, right?"

"No promises but I'll try." he said, kissing her before she took him into her hands. Her touch was almost too gentle, but he nearly forgot about that as her tongue wrapped around his shaft. Kaidan was a firm believer that there wasn't anything Catherine couldn't do well with her mouth, and that was one of her best kept secrets. He fought himself to keep still when she eased his tip past her lips. He felt terrible for some of the things that ran through his mind in that moment, but he knew there was no way he was letting her go, now. Not for anyone or anything. He was going to make sure she knew that, as soon as she was finished with him.

* * *

He should have known he'd be leaving without her. He couldn't even tell her where he was going, it was all classified. And there had been hints at a promotion if he did well here. He thought about not waking her but that was near impossible. So he waited for her to wake up. She stretched out, and he couldn't help but run his hand down her side, and then back up, kissing the back of her neck and pressing his forehead against the spot. She hummed softly and took his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"You're still going to be here when I'm done fighting the Collectors, right?" she asked quietly, staring at the window, light radiating from behind the closed curtains there.

"I promised you I wasn't going anywhere." he said, sighing. "Unfortunately, I don't know if I'll be here here."

"Did they give you another assignment?" she asked, turning a bit to face him. He nodded and she smiled. "That's good, though. It'll give you something to do for a little bit."

"Yeah. I just don't know what it is exactly."

"Hm..." she turned in her spot to face him, letting her hand trail along his jaw, before she pulled herself into his chest. "You'll be fine, whatever it is. You're good at what you do, and if you aren't necessarily great at something, you still do your best."

"I hope that's not you trying to tell me something about last night." he smirked.

"Oh no." she chuckled. "You're pretty fantastic in bed."

"Now if I could just get you to say that into a microphone..." he grinned. She rolled her eyes.

"Careful, Kaidan. I know all sorts of people who could do terrible things with something like that."

"I believe you." He sighed, smiling. They laid there for a few more minutes before he nudged her. "I should really start getting ready to go, though. They want me shipped out by this afternoon."

"Alright..." she said, sitting up as he did, though she remained in bed, bringing her legs to her chest. He glanced back at her while he pulled out a clean pair of boxers and put them on.

"Catherine?"

"Hm?"

"What's wrong?"

She shrugged, and looked around a bit.

"I just don't want to leave here. Even if you weren't here, this almost feels more like home to me than the Normandy."

"You can stay here however long you want." he said, pulling his pants on and then walking over to kiss her lightly, sitting next to her on the bed. "I'd much rather have you stay here than have to go out and furnish a new apartment, honestly. There's room here for you - hell if you wanted you could have your own room across the hall, I don't use it."

"You don't want to live with me, Kaidan." she muttered, smiling as she looked down.

"Why not?"

"I'm a messy person, and... I'm just not cut out for... that..."

"I could use a little more mess around here." he shrugged. "The past couple of days haven't been that bad, have they?"

"No!" she said, looking up almost distraught, "I just don't think... I don't know know, I don't feel ready for that yet."

"That's fine." Kaidan shrugged. "You don't have to... move in with me. But at least you know you have someplace to sleep comfortably when you're on the Citadel. Whether or not I'm here. You don't have to commit to anything." He watched her nod, and lean against him.

"Go get your stuff together." she said quietly, then crawling out of the bed and into the bathroom to start up the shower.

He hadn't necessarily meant for her to move in with him when he'd said something. But he didn't mind the idea either. Maybe with time, she'd get used to it, and take him up on it. It would be nice to come back and not be entirely alone. He heard her humming once she got in the shower, and he grinned, pulling out a few spare clothes and throwing them into his bag. It was hard for him to imagine his future where she wasn't a part of it, somehow. He was sure that the worst that could happen between them was they agreed it might be better to see other people. But judging by how tight she hugged him, and the way she seemed to always be smiling around him, he couldn't see that being the case. But still, it would be better than nothing.

The shower stopped running, and not a moment later Catherine was walking out, wrapped in a towel. She glanced over at him, and smiled as she came over to stretch herself up to kiss his cheek.

It was on the tip of his tongue. He knew how he felt, he wanted her to know too. She stepped away and he sighed quietly, finishing his packing and half watching her get dressed, as well as gather up some of her clothes that were in a pile. She had no idea what was going through his mind, or that he was so scared to say something she probably already knew.

_I love you so much, Catherine._


	22. Phone Call

_Author's Note: Thank you to _**Turtletravers** _and_** asneed**_ for the follow, and _**slothsassin, athena9090, JessNicole99,** _and_** asneed **_for the favorite. I would also like to thank_ **Commander-hot-pants **_from tumblr for the render for this story. I appreciate it so much.__ And in case you've been wondering or haven't noticed, I'm back at school now, so updating will be much slower than it already was. I'll do everything I can to continue updating. I apologize this chapter is so short but I promise there will be much more in the next one! Please let me know what you want to see in upcoming chapters, or what you've liked so far. Thanks so much, and enjoy!_

* * *

Stepping off the shuttle, Kaidan pulled his bag over his shoulder, ready to report for his new assignment at HQ in Vancouver. It was funny, being back here after what happened. He'd been sure the next time he was here, he'd be in handcuffs, being discharged, or held in prison. But no, after his interview with Hackett via the extranet, and Anderson's good word as a Councilor, he'd been excused for his desertion of a colony he was stationed at, and travelling on a Cerberus vessel for a week. Though, Hackett did grill him about that last part.

_"What were you doing aboard a Cerberus vessel?"_

_"Shepard was in charge. She came to Horizon to stop the Collector attacks on the colony. After they left, I had no other way of getting back to the Alliance, and... I felt like I could trust her."_

_"I see..." there was a pause as Hackett ran his hand along his face. "Off the record, can you tell me what the ship was like?"_

_"It looked exactly like the Normandy SR1. Upgraded and much larger, but with what I could tell it was a huge improvement on the design. I don't doubt they built it solely to convince Shepard to work with them."_

_"Did Shepard say why she was working for them?"_

_"She's not working _for_ them. The way she explained, she's only using their resources to try and save the colonists and stop the Collectors. She said no one else was willing to help. Surely she wasn't lying when she said she tried contacting you-"_

_"I didn't want to believe her. Had I known, I would have backed her, but I'm not sure we have the resources Cerberus does." Hackett sighed again. "Thank you for your report, Alenko. I'll contact you in a day or two with a new assignment."_

_"Sir, if I may?"_

_"Go ahead."_

_"Shepard said she was going to turn herself over to the Alliance when she was finished with the Collectors. I just hope that when that time comes, you consider everything, and... maybe try to save her from being discharged. We're going to need her when the Reapers come through."_

_"Noted. Enjoy the rest of your day, Alenko."_

Now he was walking through the doors, heading through security before he could go to the offices and get an actual document. The woman at the station smiled when he passed through, and he could only nod, too focused on what he was doing to try and make conversation like he might usually do. Once he made it to the offices, he was directed to a woman who he hadn't met before, who simply greeted him, handed over an encoded data pad, and then bid him goodbye. He figured she likely had no idea what his assignment was, either.

As he walked out, he entered his credentials, and paused to take a seat on a bench just outside the offices to look over it closer.

He was surprised. He'd be staying in Vancouver for a while, apparently training a spec-ops group of biotics. Truth be told, Kaidan never thought he'd find himself in the position to be teaching anyone with biotics. He was a first generation biotic, so it made sense that someone would need to do it. But after his past, he'd never had the thought. It seemed fitting though. He'd suffered and would know what any student would need in place of his punishments.

Lucky for him, it seemed like the recruits had already been gathered, and everyone, including him, was assigned to meet tomorrow around noon to get a baseline for everyone's skills, and to begin team building. Looking over the goals for this group, and at the individual files, it didn't seem like it would be terribly difficult. But he knew better than most that records could easily hide dark secrets.

* * *

He'd been training the team for about a month, now. Kaidan wasn't worried about the group getting along, now, they'd all done that themselves, and a couple of them had even started jokingly referring to him as their uncle. Most were just hitting their twenties, the oldest sat at about 24. But they were a nice group, and quick learners. Each had a different skill to bring to the group, and they'd all begun collectively learning each other's skills on their own after training. To say he was proud of them wasn't far from the truth at all.

Returning to his quarters after dinner, he'd gotten a message on his omni-tool.

_CS: Are you available to talk at all?_

That was strange. Maybe she was stressed out, or had some free time for herself.

_KA: I'm available now. Is everything okay?_

_CS: Do you think we could set up a vid call?_

_KA: Give me another minute and we can try._

He stepped into the room, and made sure he wouldn't be disturbed before sitting at his desk and opening up the terminal, linking his omni-tool to it, and proceeding to initiate a call with Catherine. It took a bit longer than usual to connect, which told him several things about where she was before she'd even popped up on the display in front of him.

"Hey you." she smiled, bags under her eyes even more obvious when she did so.

"Hey. Everything alright? You look exhausted."

"Thanks for the compliment." she deadpanned, then grinned. "I just finished up some business on Omega, so we're docked here for... a while." she looked to the side and sighed heavily, a hand running through her continually growing hair. He wished she were physically in front of him right now, she looked a little too stressed out.

"A while, hm?"

"Yeah." she paused, and he could visibly see her swallow before she croaked out the next phrase. "We're getting ready to head through the Omega-4 relay, Kaidan."

"You're-... You're serious aren't you?" he asked, the shock hitting him like a spike of ice in his throat and chest. That relay had claimed more lives than could be counted. "Catherine, I..."

"I just wanted to call you so that I could make sure I told you myself." she smiled. "That, and I'm freaking out over all of this. I have no idea what I'll be going up against on the other side, or if I'll even make it that far, and then I'm not even sure if we'll be able to get back or not-"

"Catherine-"

"-and Garrus says that we should be fine, but all he does is calibrate that damn canon-"

"Catherine-" he tried again with a little more force.

"-Miranda hasn't been much help, feeding me all these numbers-"

"Catherine! Just shut up for a minute, will you?" he practically yelled, startling her and himself some. He sighed, put his head in his hand, then looked up with a tiny smile before his hand fell to the desk. "You're going to be okay. You'll come back from the relay, and you'll come straight here to HQ. Everything will be just fine. Trust your judgement, and your team. They wouldn't follow you if they didn't believe in you."

She was silent for a minute before she started tearing up, and crying softly, burying her face in her hands. A voice on the other end - a familiar one- seemed to bring her from her tears. Soon, Tali was standing not far away on the screen, though Kaidan couldn't see her face. HEr hand rested on Catherine's shoulder and she seemed to immediately turn to stand and hug Tali.

In that moment, Kaidan felt useless. He almost wished her good luck and ended the call right there.

"We'll take care of her Kaidan. Just make sure she'll have something to come back to when we're finished." Tali said after Catherine sat down, showing her mask on the screen.

"Thank you, Tali..." he said, shifting his gaze slightly to Catherine. "I really wish I could be there with you right now to help you through this. But I know you'll do fine. Just send me a message when you get back, alright? Or have someone else send me a message, if you need to rest." _Or if something worse happens, _he thought gravely.

"I'll see you soon." she said with a forced smile before the call ended, and he sat there staring at a blank screen.

"Didn't even let me say I love you." he muttered with some amount of frustration. He'd wanted to tell her - just in case. But no, she'd come back fine. It would all be okay. Catherine would be okay. She had a loyal crew to look after her and aid her. Too many people cared about her, and she wasn't dumb enough to throw herself into the fire without a plan - even a half-assed plan worked for her.


End file.
